|HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PIGGLY WIGGLY'S MOMMY!|
Sometimes God gifts people who really don't deserve it with the most amazing blessings. And other times He sees to it that we get exactly what we deserve, such as the day, 29 years ago, He gifted me with horrific back labour that would make me take His name in Technicolor vain for 16 solid hours because the nurse was a sadist who kept telling me: "Oh, it's too late for an epidural now, hon; here, bite on this piece of ... ARGH, MY FINGERS!"
But I digress. This isn't about me or my suffering or even the poor three-fingered nurse who totally deserved her fate, it's about my daughter, Piggly Wiggly's mom. The day she was born was a blessing I can't even find words to thank our Father for — which is why we have gift cards. (I assume there's an LCBO up there, your majesty? Otherwise I don't think you've got any business calling it "heaven.")
And so, my sweet child, my sunshine, my second-born: happy birthday. Enjoy your day at the spa followed by a five-star dinner with your adorable husband, and don't worry about me and Piggly. We'll be kicking back eating organic pumpkin seeds and watching a porno. Seriously *fastforwards to the good bits* it's like it's MY birthday!