Monday, 20 October 2014

I EAT SUSHI NOW. YEAH, I'M AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE

AFTER OUR SUSHI DINNER, MINI ME AND I WENT TO THE MOVIES
and annoyed the hell out of everyone by taking selfies and giggling.

So, big news: I eat sushi now. Yeah, don't bother rereading that, it's not really big news, I'm just being a drama queen. Although it is big-ish news for me, because I friggin hated the stuff for years and never understood why all my friends are always oohing and aahing over it. Cold rice? Raw fish? SEAWEED PAPER? Jesus Christ, people, have you never heard of The Keg? 

Anyway, it's all about the Achilles heel, and mine is Piggly Wiggly. And her mom my daughter, aka Mini Me. Lately she's been asking me to do all sorts of things I would normally shat all over, and I, in my feverish need to help her through an unexpectedly gruelling new phase of her life, have been capitulating. Which is how it happened that, after I stopped in on Friday for a quick hit of the most adorable baby ever, I somehow wound up agreeing to stay for dinner and a movie. The movie being The Judge (three out of four stars) and the dinner being Ye's Sushi (four out of four WTFs). 

"Er, but I'm not really fond of sushi," I hedged. 
"That's because you haven't tried Ye's sushi; it's the best," my daughter urged. "Plus they have lots of other stuff, you don't even have to have sushi at all."  

ye's sushi, piggly wiggly, whorrified, marie sutherland,
MINI ME DAINTILY APPLIES HERSELF TO AN ORDER OF SUSHI  
Despite the fact that there are dozens of plates of less-healthy food right in front of her.

And in fact, I had no intention of having sushi at all. I ordered a large glass of wine and everything non-sushi on the menu while simultaneously complaining that I just can't seem to shake this last pesky 10 pounds, while petite little Mini Me nibbled on low-fat futomaki and murmured, "How are the cream-cheese filled deep-fried wontons?" 

To make a long story short, I eventually got around to trying the sushi and pronounced it "almost edible ... if you smother it with enough wasabi." In fact, the more I tried it, the more I didn't absolutely loathe it, so I guess it's an acquired taste. Which seems pointless because why should one have to try to acquire a taste for something when loving chocolate, Brie cheese and a beautifully charbroiled steak comes naturally? It's like trying to acquire a taste for sobriety. (Which I did once. I'm better now.)

Anyway, the bottom line is that sushi sucks it was a lovely night out with my daughter. But if that kid ever convinces me to abstain from drinking I would like to go on record as asking you guys to have me put down. Seriously. It's what any good friend would do. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Well I've met your Mini Me and she's pretty persuasive. So I'll keep this large pellet of rat poison handy just in case. 
MY NOTE: *gasps* How did you find that? I had it carefully hidden in your personal box of cereal!

THIS IS NICKI MINAJ'S IDEA OF WHAT NORMAL LOOKS LIKE

Nicki Minaj, GQ, Anaconda, Miley Cyrus,
NICKI MINAJ DEBUTS HER TONED-DOWN NEW LOOK IN NOVEMBER'S GQ 
I think we can all guess what she did with her stockpiled hair dye. 
GQ.COM

You know we're living in a world gone mad when Nicki Minaj has become the voice of tastefulness and understatement. Because never mind that her Anaconda video was basically one long vibrating ad for arse implants, but her entire career was built on a look I would describe as Psychotic Clown Meets Bordello for the Clinically Insane. And yet here we have the Naj basically wearing nun's garb in the November issue of GQ and preparing us to be stunned by the absence on porn on her next album. (Editor's note: An album that I have just decided will suck.)

"I always thought that by the time I put out a third album, I would want to come back to natural hair and natural makeup," Minaj tells GQ. "I thought, I will shock the world again and just be more toned down. I thought that would be more shocking than to keep on doing exactly what they had already seen."
And now, if you will excuse me, I am going to forward that lifechanging quote directly to someone who really needs to hear it. Because if I have to look at one more picture of Miley Cyrus's squirrel pelt writhing on stage in a thong ...

EDITOR'S NOTE: You call that toned down? Her boobs look like they're going to put me in a headlock!
MY NOTE: Yes, but two months ago, her butt cheeks would have already knocked you to the ground and cracked your skull like a walnut. *pauses, smiles dreamily* Ah well, that's another opportunity missed.

Saturday, 18 October 2014

YOUR DAILY DOSE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S WHORRORS, VOL. 21

kim kardashian, selfie, bruce jenner, steven tyler, sarah jessica parker, john grisham,
'IT'S BEEN AWHILE 
SINCE I'VE TAKEN A SELFIE'
KimKardashian/Instagram
I won't lie, this is just a quick fix of twaddle to tide you over till Monday, when I'll fully update you on the disgusting things I've been doing this weekend. If I survive it. 

In the meantime, please enjoy this selfie benevolently shared by St. Kim of The Blessed Butt Shots, who belatedly realized yesterday that she's forgotten all about us. Which isn't surprising, since she's getting pretty good at forgetting people these days, isn't that right, Ignori? 
(Kim: Her name is NORI!
Me: Just testing to see if you remembered.) 

Anyway, here's Kim, showing absolutely zero cleavage or arse because she's a mother now, pretending that this is what she looks like fresh out of the shower. Because apparently, just like this other completely natural beauty, Kim's shower dispenses foundation, bronzer, lip gloss and mascara while simultaneously applying a full set of false eyelashes. *scowls ruefully at tattered loofah* I really need to step up my bath ritual. 

In other celebrishitty news: 

Eeek! You turn your back on Sarah Jessica Parker and she turns 80! TheSuperficial

Here's Steven Tyler doing a spot-on impression of a corpse adrift on a kayak. DailyMail

Even John Grisham is shocked by the shit that comes out of John Grisham's mouth.TMZ

AND IN CLOSING, here's Amber Rose, the lovely and classy ex-Mrs. Wiz Khalifa, telling us in no uncertain terms that if Kim won't share her arse with us anymore, someone else will. And that someone is Amber Rose. Good lord. If this keeps up the Internets are going to run out of buttwidth.


Instagram/AmberRose
 

Thursday, 16 October 2014

STOP PICKING ON PEDOPHILES, JOHN GRISHAM URGES

john grisham, stephen collins, paula deen,
JOHN GRISHAM THINKS WE'RE 
BEING MEAN TO SEX OFFENDERS
 In other news, Chris Brown, Rob Ford
and Paula Deen seem like geniuses now.   
Facebook/David Burnett/Contact Press Images


There are so many humanitarian causes the caring celebrity can get behind these days: save the whales, fight global warming, sterilize Chris Brown. Yet for some reason that I'm trying not to read too much into, bestselling author John Grisham has settled on "save the pedophiles." 

In an ill-advised interview with the Daily Telegraph, Grisham urges the hoi-polloi to stop picking on old white guys who download child porn in their spare time. They're just dabblers. They mean no harm. They're OLD, fer fuck's sake, is it their fault their writing juices are drying up and the Internets pretty much just SHOVE the kids at them?

Grisham says, and I quote, prisons are "filled with 60-year-old white men ... who’ve never harmed anybody, would never touch a child. But they got online one night, started surfing around, probably had too much to drink or whatever and pushed the wrong buttons and went too far and got into child porn or whatever.”

Why Grisham, who is 59 and obviously senile, chose the age of 60 as a respectable cutoff point for porn-surfing prosecution is nobody's business, I'm sure. It's pure coincidence. The man is a respected authority figure. *blows secret pedophile-police whistle only dogs can hear, feigns fascination* So, go on, John. You were saying?

EDITOR'S NOTE: To be fair, Grisham does say that this happened to a buddy of his and it was all completely innocent.
MY NOTE: Oh? And who was this 'buddy'? Stephen Collins? 

YOUR DAILY DOSE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S WHORRORS, VOL 20

Beyonce, bangs, jennifer lopez, amanda bynes, chris brown, ebola,
THE GOOD NEWS: Beyonce does not have Ebola.
THE BAD NEWS: Mother of God what happened to Beyonce's bangs?
Twitter

Because Whorrified is your go-to source for hard-hitting journalism, we're going to skip the drivel about beheadings and protests and Ebola now officially being the scariest thing ever and proceed directly to the most important news of the day: Beyonce fucked up her hair. Which you might already know because Twitter is having a brain hemorrhage over it. 

This and many, many other pictures of Beyonce and her mangled bangs are pretty much all the Internet can think about today. Which is understandable because they are shocking. This look is reminiscent of the kind of hack job we girls used to accidentally give ourselves as teenagers, when we'd say: "Bangs? How hard can that be?" and then we'd have to skip school for two weeks because we looked like we'd just escaped from the nuthouse.

However, if I may inject a dose of calm-the-fuck down into this: Everybody's acting like this is some kind of permanent disaster Beyonce has meted unto herself, but please it's a weave. She cut her weave. She can get a new weave woven in first thing tomorrow morning (or preferably sooner). It's not the first time someone left her alone with the weave cutters and I'm sure it won't be the last.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jesus Christ, Beyonce! If ever you needed your PR minions to edit the Internet, it is now.

In other celebritwat news:

And now, Chris Brown will explain the Ebola crisis. PageSix

Holy tofuballs, Jennifer Lopez! If THIS is what being a vegan does to your body I AM IN! Huffington Post


Amanda Bynes got committed to the loony bin again. This is obviously a conspiracy organized by cats that speak Urdu. TMZ

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

GLUTEN-FREE BABY BANDIT STEALS WITCH'S DARK HEART

piggly wiggly, thanksgiving,
So it's over. The Canadian readers among you (because if Blogger's stats are to be believed, there are a goodly number of bots who log on from Turkey, Dubai and Israel as well: "Shalom! Click on a few ads, will ya?") will immediately understand that I am referring to Thanksgiving. 

There's not much I can say about Thanksgiving that hasn't already been clubbed within an inch of its life by everybody on Facebook, but I will say this: I had a very special houseguest for the Thanksgiving weekend and it was the best weekend ever. 

I got about 14 minutes of sleep, I had to de-gluten my entire kitchen and I got thrown up on six times, but when she left, she took the air with her. Seriously. Holy crap. I can hardly breathe now. If this kid's tiny little grip on my heart gets any tighter I might as well just have it removed and give it to her as a chew toy. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: But how does one remove something that doesn't exist? *dodges flying magnum of gin* Kidding! In other news, the mistress's special-needs Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be amazing and she raked in no less than four bottles of gift wine! We're down to one bottle now and if you don't hear from me by tomorrow, it's because she killed me and ate me. I don't expect you to care, I just want you to know. #Thankful #CouldHaveBeenFiveBottles

'YOU CALL THIS THANKSGIVING DINNER? A GADDAM PICKLE?'  
Yeah, well, gluten-free, dairy-free, pork-free ... those were your mother's orders, kid. IT DIDN'T LEAVE ME MANY OPTIONS!

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

SERIOUS QUESTION: CAN WEED MAKE YOU RETARDED?

Instagram/@SnoopDogg

Iggy azalea, snoop dogg, no makeup,
IGGY AZALEA 
(with makeup)
Breaking News: Iggy Azalea just realized that Snoop Dogg ... oh, pardon me, Snoop Lion ... is an ass. The Aussie rapper known for her head-to-toe plastic surgery makeover hit single "Fancy" is engaged in a furious Instagram fight to the death with the rap icon because he posted this picture of some random albino broad with the caption "Iggy Azalea No Makeup." 

Which I'm sure seems like the height of hilarity to anyone who has just smoked their 90th spliff of the day but which is in fact offensive in about 200 different ways, not the least of those being reverse racism, gratuitous cruelty and sharp-as-molasses pothead wit. Iggy immediately hit back by asking "Why would you post such a mean pic when you send your bodyguards to ask me for pictures every time we are at shows together?" (Bonus points for humblebragging!) She then added: "I'm disappointed you'd be an ass for no reason." 

Yes, well, here's the thing, girlfriend: Snoop has a perfectly good reason for being an ass, and that reason is that he IS an ass. Unfortunately, Iggy's chances of winning this battle range from zero to zilch because Snoop is too busy smoking gaggers the size of an albino baby's arm to respond to any of her jabs. It's sort of  like watching a dimwitted wigger flail wildly at a dimwitted cloud of ganja vapour. *rereads* Actually, it's exactly like that.
In other celebretard news:

Drake and his well-brought-up friends are making complete tits of themselves in St. Martin. Page Six

Please let this be a Photoshop joke and not Mariah Carey's actual newly single body? Please? Fishwrapper

Susan Sarandon is the ultimate cougar. I dare you to doubt it. PageSix