Saturday, 25 October 2014

JIAN GHOMESHI IS HANGING UP THE HEADPHONES

jian ghomeshi, Q, CBC, my father, my hero,
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT ALL DAY, EVERYWHERE:
 Jian Ghomeshi is taking a break from CBC to deal with "personal issues." 
CBC Radio/Q

Today in Ongoing Mysteries of the Persian-Canadian Sphynx, Jian Ghomeshi, beloved host of Q, almost broke the Internet by announcing that he's taking an "undetermined" amount of time off to deal with "personal issues." Which is the kind of vaguely dodgy phrasing that would normally trigger my "rehab" alert, but in this case sounds more like chronic overachiever/workaholic finally hits wall. And finds that the wall is made of grief. 

As the hundreds of thousands who follow him on Twitter or Facebook already know, Jian lost his father earlier this month. He shared the news on Facebook in a poignant post that began: "My dear friends, forgive me if I am lost. My heart has been broken."  
Losing a parent is devastating for anyone. But for someone who not only loves his father but also carries his voice around with him as his spiritual soundtrack, the voice that urges him to constantly strive for excellence (Jian once told Toronto Life that his father's parenting motto was "you have done well; now do better"), the sudden loss of that love and that voice leaves a void so raw and gaping that it can, at times, be hard to even remember how to breathe. Factor in that Jian is 47 (or, more bluntly, "mid-life"), and you either just close your briefcase, walk out of your office, get on a plane and disappear into a village in Tahiti or you catch yourself before it gets that bad and you say, "I need to take some time off. My whole psyche hurts." True to disciplined character, Jian chose the latter.

His fans will miss him but they will understand, too. His sensitivity and devotion to his family are two of the things they love most about him, so they will take comfort in knowing that he is doing the right thing, the only thing. Will he be back? No one knows. Probably not even Jian. But we can take comfort in the fact that he will keep us posted in one of his favourite ways, via Twitter. His most recent tweet (below), posted just today, is encouraging in its positivity. Here's wishing you all the best, Jian Ghomeshi. Take care and take time.

Friday, 24 October 2014

CHRISSY TEIGEN AND HER BOOBS HAVE QUIT TWITTER

chrissy teigen, twitter, john legend, nathan cirillo, sports illustrated, michael zehaf-bibeau,
HERE'S MODEL CHRISSY TEIGEN, ENJOYING A SPRAY TAN IN THE NUDE 
and sharing the whole spectacular thing on Twitter. Yeah, well those days are over. 
#ThanksTwitterTrolls
Chrissy Teigen/Instagram

I have nothing against Chrissy Teigen. She seems like a perfectly nice girl, and heaven knows she must have something going for her because John Legend deems her worthy of his bed, Sports Illustrated deemed her worthy of their cover and Oprah deemed her worthy of an interview, so if I'm doing the math correctly, that practically equals Beyonce (minus the talent, carry the boobs). Plus she mows her lawn in a bikini and heels, so hell, why isn't she president, is what I want to know? 

Alas, Twitter has rather harshly provided the answer: because she's dumb as fuck. Because while Canada's very soul recoiled in shock and horror after the tragic shooting of Cpl. Nathan Cirillo while he was standing guard at the National War Memorial, Chrissy Teigen decided to weigh in thusly on Twitter: "Active shooting in Canada, or as we call it in America, Wednesday." 

A tweet that even I, who sees a bitch in every closet, realized was just a clumsy jab at lax gun controls ... I mean, really, there's a reason she's a model and not a biophysicist ... but which heartbroken Canadians were so enraged by they couldn't see straight. The backlash, insults and death threats were instantaneous and overwhelming, and so vicious that Chrissy eventually decided to pull the plug on Twitter forever. (Meaning three or four days, a week, max.) "I can't see anything through the sea of hate that is now my Twitter," she tweeted, after regrettably baiting further death threats by tweeting:


Right? You almost have to feel sorry for the poor retarded little nincompoop. Except don't because she's rich and insensitive and sleeping with John Legend, and did I mention she has legs up to her armpits? In fact ... *looks around angrily* ... where's my phone? Editor! Fetch me my phone! I need to Tweet some death threats to Chrissy Teigen! The shit that comes out of her mouth, it's unbelievable! "Wednesday" ??? I'll give you Wednesday! 

EDITOR'S NOTE: And while the mistress pointlessly flails at a Twitter account that no longer exists, may I inform you that, should you care to ogle more naked photographs further berate Chrissy Teigen, you can now find her here, on Instagram. Er, oh so I'm told.

Thursday, 23 October 2014

DOUG FORD REFERS TO WOMEN AS 'BITCHES.' OF COURSE.

doug ford, rob ford, jennifer pagliaro, krista ford, toronto mayor,
DOUG FORD DOES NOT MINCE WORDS
Even when he should. 
Wikipedia photo

While the rest of the country was reeling in horror at the tragedy unfolding in our nation's capital, Doug Ford was busily going about the business of being a misogynistic disgrace to the mayoral campaign, the city and to the entire male gender because, hey, when a dame gets outta line ya gotta let her know, amirite folks? It's written right there in the Ford family coat of arms (except in English, because Latin's for them Pride paraders and such. *Psst: you spelled "alpha male" wrong*).

The incident happened after a debate last night, when Toronto Star reporter Jennifer Pagliaro completely misunderstood her assignment and thought she was there to ask questions. Doug Ford took great umbrage to this and flatly refused to answer her. As he always does when faced with uppity females, don't you broads know that by now? The man raised a girl to be a lingerie footballer, for God's sake! And to know that she'll get "her ass chewed out from one end to the other" if she gets out of order. (Yeah, I only wish I were kidding about that one.) 

Which would have been bad enough, but then, as he walked out of the CTV debate studio with his wife and daughter, Doug's inner hillbilly got the best of him and he hissed, "I can't stand that little bitch." A slur he later denied but which was overheard by people others actually respect, such as a Star photojournalist and a CTV producer. 
“I can confirm that a CTV producer heard this,” said Joanne MacDonald, vice-president at CTV News and general manager of CP24.

When confronted about the remark, Doug claimed he was simply referring to someone else. Oh, you meant some other woman is a little bitch. That's okay then! Where do I vote?
Jesus Christ, Doug Ford and the entire Ford clan. I'd say go back to your trailer park but that's an insult to trailer parks.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Hey! I'll have you know I was born and raised in a trailer park!
MY NOTE: I would never have guessed.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

SJP AND HER SHOES WILL TEACH YOU IDIOTS WHAT'S WHAT

sarah jessica parker, SJP shoes, Nordstrom, Carrie Bradshaw, 66 Perry St., West Village,
A SCENE FROM THE 'UNAUTHORIZED' PHOTO SHOOT that has enraged the Village idiots. (If you wanted anonymity perhaps you should have bought Mr. Rogers' townhouse?)
Instagram/SJPShoeCollection

Sarah Jessica Parker has enraged the residents of the West Village Townhouse that was Carrie Bradshaw's home in Sex and the City because they're silly twats who don't understand what rage is for. And it certainly isn't this: SJP staged an apparently unauthorized photo shoot on the steps of the storied townhouse, using it as the backdrop for her mouthwatering shoe line, the SJP Collection.

Page Six reports that the Villagers have grown so tired of the constant stream of SATC worshippers drooling over the brownstone at 66 Perry St. that they erected a chain over the stoop and a sign that says "Do NOT go on staircase please!" A sign that SJP naturally assumed did not apply to her, judging by the photos of her leaning over the chain to adjust her perfect little foot gems with Friendly Giant-esque precision (photo below). 

She posted the photos to Instagram  with the caption: “It was take your @sjpcollection shoes to work day. #longdayforCarrie #whewwwwthosesteps #runninginheels #taxi!” Which was apparently all it takes to send the townhouse residents hurtling over the edge of what I would loosely call sanity. Gerald Banu, president of the Perry Street Association, is quoted as fretting: “They didn’t get  permission from the owner (for the shoot). The situation with ‘SATC’ visitors is still very intense. People who live here get upset that the sidewalks are constantly jammed.”

Right. Okay. So, first of all, anybody who buys a townhouse in a building that was once the soul, the heart, the very essence of Sex and the City is a goddam moron if he thinks it's not going to be a shrine forever. Get over yourselves, people. THAT IS CARRIE BRADSHAW'S HOUSE!
Secondly, and this is actually written right into the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, shoes are an acceptable excuse for everything. Everything! 
Prosecutor: Your Honour, she punched a helpless kitten in the vagina ...
Judge: *gasps* My God, what a monster!
Prosecutor: While wearing Manolos. The Hangisi satin ones with the buckle and the ....
Judge: Case dismissed!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Sex and the City ... that's the show with the talking horse in it, right?
MY NOTE: Hey, you know what's funny? Every time you say something witty I think of this SATC episode

SJP TENDERLY ARRANGES HER SHOES ON HER STOOP  
Yeah, that's right, you West Village Idiots: HER stoop! 
Instagram/SJPShoeCollection

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF, RENEE ZELLWEGER?

renee zellweger,
THE FACT THAT THIS WOMAN IS RECOGNIZABLE AS RENEE ZELLWEGER 
tells us that this is a 'before' picture. Because Renee Zellweger now looks so unlike Renee Zellweger she probably scares the shit out of herself every time she looks in the mirror.
See Renee's "new face" here.
 Photo/Wikipedia

Look, I fully realize that not everyone can age as eerily gracefully as I have (being on Our Lord and Saviour's payroll has its advantages), but Jesus Christ, Renee Zellweger! Has no one ever warned you of the dangers of discounted Botox? TMZ posted this disturbing picture of Renee at an awards show last night and if they hadn't told me it was Renee Zellweger, I would never have known it was Renee Zellweger. I can't say I was ever a fan (synopsis: a solid actor rendered completely insufferable by overpouting and twee) but one at least had to respect her acting chops. Now she's gone Lil Kim on us and when was the last time Lil Kim had a hit? Or LaToya Jackson? Oh, and remember Jennifer Gray? Yeah, neither does Jennifer Gray. Point being, holy crap, Renee Zellweger, whatever you paid that guy to do whatever he did to your face, get your money back. And your face, too. Although if he can arrange to leave your lips completely and permanently unpoutable, that might be okay. In fact, it'd be great.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Not that I'm milking the woman's misfortune for cheap thrills, but if you like that sort of thing you HAVE to check out this "slider" visual on CTV's website. Watch Renee's face dissolve right in front of your eyes! 
MY NOTE: *slides, slides, slides, shrieks with glee, slides* I LOVE THIS! We have to learn how to do this!

Monday, 20 October 2014

I EAT SUSHI NOW. YEAH, I'M AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE

AFTER OUR SUSHI DINNER, MINI ME AND I WENT TO THE MOVIES
and annoyed the hell out of everyone by taking selfies and giggling.

So, big news: I eat sushi now. Yeah, don't bother rereading that, it's not really big news, I'm just being a drama queen. Although it is big-ish news for me, because I friggin hated the stuff for years and never understood why all my friends are always oohing and aahing over it. Cold rice? Raw fish? SEAWEED PAPER? Jesus Christ, people, have you never heard of The Keg? 

Anyway, it's all about the Achilles heel, and mine is Piggly Wiggly. And her mom my daughter, aka Mini Me. Lately she's been asking me to do all sorts of things I would normally shat all over, and I, in my feverish need to help her through an unexpectedly gruelling new phase of her life, have been capitulating. Which is how it happened that, after I stopped in on Friday for a quick hit of the most adorable baby ever, I somehow wound up agreeing to stay for dinner and a movie. The movie being The Judge (three out of four stars) and the dinner being Ye's Sushi (four out of four WTFs). 

"Er, but I'm not really fond of sushi," I hedged. 
"That's because you haven't tried Ye's sushi; it's the best," my daughter urged. "Plus they have lots of other stuff, you don't even have to have sushi at all."  

ye's sushi, piggly wiggly, whorrified, marie sutherland,
MINI ME DAINTILY APPLIES HERSELF TO AN ORDER OF SUSHI  
Despite the fact that there are dozens of plates of less-healthy food right in front of her.

And in fact, I had no intention of having sushi at all. I ordered a large glass of wine and everything non-sushi on the menu while simultaneously complaining that I just can't seem to shake this last pesky 10 pounds, while petite little Mini Me nibbled on low-fat futomaki and murmured, "How are the cream-cheese filled deep-fried wontons?" 

To make a long story short, I eventually got around to trying the sushi and pronounced it "almost edible ... if you smother it with enough wasabi." In fact, the more I tried it, the more I didn't absolutely loathe it, so I guess it's an acquired taste. Which seems pointless because why should one have to try to acquire a taste for something when loving chocolate, Brie cheese and a beautifully charbroiled steak comes naturally? It's like trying to acquire a taste for sobriety. (Which I did once. I'm better now.)

Anyway, the bottom line is that sushi sucks it was a lovely night out with my daughter. But if that kid ever convinces me to abstain from drinking I would like to go on record as asking you guys to have me put down. Seriously. It's what any good friend would do. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Well I've met your Mini Me and she's pretty persuasive. So I'll keep this large pellet of rat poison handy just in case. 
MY NOTE: *gasps* How did you find that? I had it carefully hidden in your personal box of cereal!

THIS IS NICKI MINAJ'S IDEA OF WHAT NORMAL LOOKS LIKE

Nicki Minaj, GQ, Anaconda, Miley Cyrus,
NICKI MINAJ DEBUTS HER TONED-DOWN NEW LOOK IN NOVEMBER'S GQ 
I think we can all guess what she did with her stockpiled hair dye. 
GQ.COM

You know we're living in a world gone mad when Nicki Minaj has become the voice of tastefulness and understatement. Because never mind that her Anaconda video was basically one long vibrating ad for arse implants, but her entire career was built on a look I would describe as Psychotic Clown Meets Bordello for the Clinically Insane. And yet here we have the Naj basically wearing nun's garb in the November issue of GQ and preparing us to be stunned by the absence on porn on her next album. (Editor's note: An album that I have just decided will suck.)

"I always thought that by the time I put out a third album, I would want to come back to natural hair and natural makeup," Minaj tells GQ. "I thought, I will shock the world again and just be more toned down. I thought that would be more shocking than to keep on doing exactly what they had already seen."
And now, if you will excuse me, I am going to forward that lifechanging quote directly to someone who really needs to hear it. Because if I have to look at one more picture of Miley Cyrus's squirrel pelt writhing on stage in a thong ...

EDITOR'S NOTE: You call that toned down? Her boobs look like they're going to put me in a headlock!
MY NOTE: Yes, but two months ago, her butt cheeks would have already knocked you to the ground and cracked your skull like a walnut. *pauses, smiles dreamily* Ah well, that's another opportunity missed.