Thursday, 18 December 2014

MILEY CYRUS WILL BE THE DEATH OF MARIA SHRIVER

miley cyrus, patrick schwarzenegger, maria shriver, Life& Style,
LIFE & STYLE, DEC. 29 EDITION
It's tough to know what to get your mother-in-law for Christmas. Unless you're twerking hillbilly trash. In that case you just stab her in the heart with a shiv you made out of a possum bone and say "Guess what? We're related!" Which in fact would probably be one of the less painful ways Maria Shriver could have learned the horrific news that her sweet innocent boy has 
capped off a week of drug-infused bacchanalia with Miley Cyrus by marrying her. 

According to Life&Style, the alleged setting was a crazy night in Miami, where Miley dragged her boyfriend, Patrick Schwarzenegger, to a location where a “little-person stripper pal who is ordained as a minister was waiting.” According to an insider, “Miley whipped out wedding rings she’d fashioned from toiler paper rolls and screamed, ‘We’re getting married!' " 

Other more reputable media outlets (which would be just about any media outlet) are reporting that, despite the fact that it sounds like exactly the sort of wedding ceremony a silly twat like Miley would want, it was just a booze-fueled party prank and the two aren't legally married at all. 

Unfortunately, this clarification comes too late for Maria Shriver, who already has her head in the gas oven while she leaves message after message on Patrick's cellphone.  "Son!?!? It's your mother calling ... goddamit! WHY WON'T HE PICK UP?" 
Miley: *holds up Patrick's cellphone* It's her again. Hit reject.
Patrick: But she'll be so ...
Miley: Fine, I'll do it. *belches loudly* "Hello, Ma? Guess what: I'm pregnant!"
Maria: AAAAAAAAAARRRGGH!

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

KHLOE KARDASHIAN'S BUTT: LET'S TALK ABOUT IT

khloe kardashian, fake butt, bubbles bodywear, butt pads, kim kardashian,
YEAH THAT LOOKS 
100 PER CENT NATURAL 
Here is yet another Kardashian flouting the laws of decency, humanity and science by somehow losing a ton of weight everywhere but her arse. Because that is not how it works, as every woman who has ever tried to lose a few pounds of muffin top and wound up losing her boobs, her face, her ass ... basically everything BUT her muffin top ... in the process knows. 

So how is Khloe's monstrous, misshapen new arse possible, you ask? Well, aside from making a deal with the devil (and frankly, I wouldn't rule that out), there are about a gazillion ways you can fake a butt because God only knows, that is your surest ticket to fame these days. Forget education, forget intelligence, forget talent ... butt pads. That's what you need. (I swear to God, if Hillary Clinton gets herself a set of these she'll be voted in on a landslide. America is that fucking retarded. Not that Toronto is much better.) 

As to the precise substance Khloe is affixing to her hips, I dunno, could be anything from Peter Dinklage to baby seals, but my money is on Bubbles Bodywear. Because when you Google rubber butt pads, guess whose picture comes up? Wait, don't ... Jesus! I was about to tell you not to Google it while you're at work. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME! 

ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN. PARTICULARLY THIS ONE, SOON

I've been trying and trying and trying to get Pig Face to pose for a festive holiday picture that doesn't involve my hands around her neck but the bitch just isn't having it. She's ill-trained and not, I suspect, all that bright. (I can admit it; it's not like I'm her real mother, who was bacon, probably.) So I've had to resort to photoshopping bows on her bony head, not unlike Khloe Kardashian, who has resorted to glueing rubber butt pads to her buttocks or Britney, who has resorted to photoshopping her nose jobs, or Mariah Carey who .... WHOA! Bad analogy. Look away, everybody, or you'll put your back out. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes: Merry Christmas! I've gotta go shop. You guys behave.

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

KIM KARDASHIAN CROPS HER OWN KID OUT OF SELFIES

Kim Kardashian, North West, Kate Upton, Bill Cosby, Camille Cosby,
MOTHER-OF-THE-YEAR KIM KARDASHIAN CROPPED HER BABY OUT
but left the brick wall in because at least the  wall isn't trying to steal the attention. (She's on to your little tricks, missy.)
KIMTwitter@KimKardashianWest

I'm not above admitting that we sometimes pile on in the gossip business, but in my own defence God made me bitchy. Who am I to argue with my employer? Furthermore, if he didn't want me to mock the everloving crap out of Kim Kardashian he wouldn't have commanded her to inject her own arse with butterballs and marry a Gemini mask-wearing madman, would he? I'm basically following divine orders, is what I'm saying.
 
It's been quite a year for Kim, and with just days to go until it's over she is squeezing every last bit of stupid juice out of her butt fruit. You don't climb to the top of Google's search engine without being ruthless, you guys. And by ruthless I mean cropping your own goddam kid out of your selfie because you don't want anything to attract attention away from your artificially inseminated face. Which of course Kim not only did but also defended, tweeting these exact words which I'm pretty sure someone wrote for her because last time I checked, Kim was a Kardashian: 
"Wait is this really news that I posted a selfie & cropped my daughter out? LOL … Her eyes were closed and I was feeling my look! Can I live?!?!"
Can I "live?!?!"? Well I don't know, Kim. I'm not God. Luckily for you ...
In other eminently mockable celebritwat news:

Bill Cosby's wife says he's "the real victim." Of course she'd have to be insane to still be married to him. TheSuperficial

If Michael Jackson's nose ever needs a stunt double, Britney Spears' new nose is available. TooFab

It's not Christmas until you've hung the festive Wreath Witherspoon. PopSugar

Kate Upton serenades Jamie Foxx "a la Marilyn Monroe" with the obvious difference being that she's no Marilyn Monroe. PageSix 

Monday, 15 December 2014

AND NOW I'LL EXPLOIT PIGGLY'S CUTENESS FOR LAUGHS

PIGGLY WIGGLY, WHORRIFIED,
MY LITTLE PIGGLY WIGGLY IS BECOMING QUITE THE BOOKWORM 
I can't wait till she's old enough to read Whorrified!

I know many of you log on here in mortal terror, fearing I'll photobomb your eyeballs with gratuitous pictures of my arse or boobs or freshly highlighted locks. But not today, my pretties. Today I'm feeling Christmas-y, plus I just visited my granddaughter and got so many squeee-licious photos while I was supposed to be reading educational books and decorating the Christmas tree with her that I simply had to share. No one will call me self-absorbed! 

Piggly is 11 months old now. She's about the size of a large eggplant, loves slapping me, barfing on my clothing and yanking my earrings so hard I yelp (so obviously she's been reading my private "Ex-boyfriends" dossier) and is so unbearably adorable she might actually kill me with cuteness. She still doesn't give a rat's ass about food or sleep and she will bite you as soon as look at you, but I blame that on the pork, gluten and dairy-free diet her mother has her on. If you took bacon and cheese out of my diet I think incisors would be one of the nicer things I'd bestow upon you. Besides, take one look at that face and tell me you could resist it. You'd let her take a chunk right out of your leg meat if she wanted to. (Don't worry, she won't want to: too much like eating.) And now, without further ado, let us enjoy this uplifting panorama of baby-scented Piggliness, for no reason other than it's Christmas ... and I'm fresh out of arse pictures.  

THINGS ON PIGGLY'S HEAD
"I'LL GET EXCITED ABOUT CHRISTMAS WHEN THE PRESENTS SHOW UP ... "
PIGGLY TOES!
CORNDOGGERY! (REMEMBER WHEN I PROMISED NO EYEBALL TERRORISM? I LIED.)

ANGELINA BRAZENLY DISRUPTS MY SACRED PIGGLY TIME

Piggly Wiggly, Angelina Jolie, chicken pox, Unbroken, Jennifer Aniston,
WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PIGGLY-ING 
to inform you that Angelina Jolie is better than you in every possible way.   
YouTube


I was babysitting my beloved Piggly Wiggly on Saturday and was left with the following orders: "Please, for the love of God, just get her to eat something." Yes, still having major feeding issues — in fact we're starting to think she's a Breatharian — but there are medical reasons so please don't judge my daughter's mothering abilities or I will have to beat you senseless with this crystal-bottomed tumbler of Crown Royal. And speaking of being an exemplary mother, let me tell you how this relates to Angelina Jolie. I was desperately trying to get a few ounces of nutrients into Piggly, who was putting up quite a fight for someone who only weighs 15 pounds, so I turned on the verboten television and tuned in to YouTube. Because a lot of things have changed since I was raising babies but the creepily hypnotic power of Barney the Dinosaur is not one of them. (I am not above putting a baby in a trance if it means getting an extra spoonful or two into her.) 

Anyway, this video, below, popped up as "A message from Universal Pictures About Angelina Jolie," giving Piggly an unexpected but welcome reprieve from pretending to give a shit about eating while I went slack-jawed. Because this video is about 40 seconds of a visibly wan Angie explaining that she won't be able to attend the premiere of Unbroken, which she directed, and teasingly building up to the reason: because she has chicken pox. Which, if you've ever had as an adult, is no small thing. In fact it's a goddam horror and you wind up with pox in places no one should ever have to scratch. And yet full-blown Angie found the time to make a video and to look ethereally beautiful in it. Because even in an undershirt, with no makeup and covered with pox, Angelina Jolie is more amazing than any of us. Jesus Christ. Poor dusty-wombed Jennifer Aniston never stood a chance ...


Friday, 12 December 2014

I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE UP FITNESS AND TAKE UP DRINKING

robaxacet, brampton, spring rolls restaurant, back pain, goodlife,
I SPRAINED MY COCCYX OR SOMETHING
so naturally my doctor prescribed a large glass of wine with a side of muscle relaxers.

There are few things more debilitating than back pain. Well actually, that's not quite true, a case of syphilis is pretty goddam debilitating (I'm told). Severe food poisoning via Burger King (yes I'm naming names, you pink-burger-serving bastards) is violently debilitating. And of course, auditioning for Bill Cosby is very debilitating if you can remember any of it after the drugs wear off ("allegedly"). But back pain? Trust me, back pain is right up there.

I know this because I am at this very moment sitting in an unattractively hunched position, washing down Robaxacets with wine because whoever said mixing muscle relaxers with liquor was a bad idea was obviously not in excrutiating pain, so he can blow me. (Sorry. I blame the Robaxacet.) What happened was, I injured my back during a rousing low-impact workout because that's what I do: I attempt to hold back the hands of time and then the hands of time grab me by the aging fibula and shriek: "Go home and take up knitting, you mad bitch! You're too old for this!" 

But of course I don't listen, anyone who knows me knows I have issues with "acting my age" and it's only getting worse with age, so by the time I'm 90 I fully expect to be heli-skiing in the nude or some such thing. I don't know; suggestions, anyone? I'm pretty open-minded

So I had to call in sick, which I never do because I frickin love my job ... where else can you cuss and wear ridiculous heels and Google "Bill Cosby: rapist" and have people say "Oh that Marie!" ... and then a winter storm shat all over Brampton so I had to pay a complete stranger fifty bucks to shovel my driveway (I'm sure he'll be here any minute). By the time darkness fell I was out of painkillers, goddam famished and in no shape to cook, so I took a cab to Spring Rolls, asked for a takeout menu and crumpled up in one of their booths, where the server found me and blurted: "Stephen Hawking? THIS IS SUCH AN HONOUR!" I swear to God I'd have kicked him, but again, back pain. I think the kicking is what I miss most of all.

Anyway, I ordered a comforting meal of green curry, jasmine rice, coconut shrimp and, as you can see from the picture, a large goblet of white wine because you can't take Robaxacet dry, and now I'm feeling quite marvelously woozy so I'm going to sign off and let my moron editor bail me out of whatever libelous shit I've just posted and ... goodni-i-i-i-i-i-i-ite?

EDITOR'S NOTE Please excuse the mistress. It's fairly obvious she wrote this entire thing while in a drunken stupour.
ROBAXACET'S NOTE Please see manufacturers' warnings: Do not exceed recommended dosage as severe liver damage due to acetaminophen toxicity may occur. Avoid alcohol.
MY NOTE Too late.