Monday, 1 September 2014

WE GAVE MY MOM SOME BELFIES FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

belfie, selfie, birthday, terrace on the green,
TECHNICALLY IT WAS A BIRTHDAY GET-TOGETHER
but when the opportunity for a good belfie presents itself, you don't say no. At least I don't. Here, I raise the bar with the introduction of tasteful props: in this case, whisky barrels on the grounds of Terrace on the Green.

It was my mom's birthday on Saturday. Again. We celebrated it twice this year because she recently underwent surgery and wasn't feeling up to the sort of hard-core tippling and whooping one expects of a birthday party on the actual day of. I was pretty stoked about Saturday's get-together. I had handpicked the venue Terrace on the Green for its lovely landscaping and atmosphere, rallied the guests, baked my signature bourbon-pecan carrot cake, bullied the owners into hosting us a half-hour earlier than their usual opening hour as some of the members of my family are almost monk-like in their adherence to routine. 

Which was very nice of the owners, although I'm sure they're wondering why I bothered because although everyone else was there at the appointed hour, I arrived more than half an hour late and cakeless because I'd been rear-ended by a goddam moron texting driver while en route. No one was injured except the carrot cake. If the detailer ever gets the patina of cream cheese off of the ceiling and the odour of bourbon out of the upholstery, it'll be a miracle. 

But other than that, it was a lovely evening of good food and banter, capped off by what is becoming a cherished family tradition: a rousing round of bathroom selfies. "Belfies!" my eldest daughter (she who has strictly prohibited the publication of her face, name or distinguishing features because she can't even get past the name of this blog, let alone the content) proclaimed them. I told her "belfies" is actually the new trend word for butt-selfies. (It's pretty bad when Kim Kardashian has the power to change the lexicon.) Her response? "It disturbs me that you would know this." Yeah well I not only know it, I perfected it. Because any eejit can take a #belfie but it takes a pro to shamelessly famewhore it into passing as a birthday gift. So, belated happy birthday again, Mom, this one's for you. We're disappointed you had the decency not to join us for the bathroom fun, but there's always next year!

belfie, selfie, birthday, terrace on the green, piggly wiggly's mom,
PIGGLY WIGGLY'S MOM AND I SNUGGLE UP FOR A BATHROOM SELFIE at Terrace on the Green. And if you're wondering why there isn't a photo of my sainted mother in this post about my sainted mother, that's because she, like my eldest daughter, my aunt, my brother and most of my friends, refuses to be associated with Whorrified in any way, shape or form.

MARK WAHLBERG GOT HIS BROTHER A LOVELY PRESENT

mark wahlberg, donnie wahlberg, jenny mccarthy,
NOTHING SAYS 'WE LOVE YOU!' LIKE A CRAP HOME VIDEO
starring your children in their bathrobes, I always say. And so does Mark Wahlberg.
Instagram/MarkWahlberg


Here's Mark Wahlberg at home with his wife (whom he seems to keep in a box on the floor) and about 12 kids, filming a blurry Instagram video to congratulate his brother, Donnie, on his wedding rather than actually attending the wedding. I repeat: Mark Wahlberg didn’t go to his own brother's wedding. Which I'd normally say is a totally shit thing to do, but then again his brother was marrying rabid anti-vaxxer Jenny McCarthy, so I’m going to assume he didn't want his kids to catch polio. Or that he and his wife can't stand the bride, which coincidentally is pretty much what his reps told TMZ. Click here to watch the video, which is epic in its shittiness. Seriously. It couldn't be more offensively "meh" if it tried. And believe me, it tried.

Friday, 29 August 2014

FUN NOT ALLOWED: PARTY GIRLS BOOTED OFF SUNWING

lilia ratmanski, milana muzikante, norad, sunwing, varadero, editorspick,
LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT GIN CAST THE FIRST STONE 
Lilia Ratmanski and Milana Muzikante may smoke and drink and fight a little, but Jesus Christ, do you have to kick them off the plane? They're probably the most fun Sunwing has ever had.
Facebook

Everyone is making a big hairy goddam deal about Lilia Ratmanksi and Milana Muzikante, the Ukrainian-Canadian party girls who got booted off a Sunwing flight to Cuba for no reason other than that they were drunk and disorderly and lit a cigarette in the bathroom they were both crammed into like probable bisexuals. 

"I’m shocked — she doesn’t drink.
She never smokes."  
Lilia's mom, who obviously has 
never seen Lilia's Facebook page.
Facebook
I, on the other hand, having had the acute "pleasure" of flying with Sunwing on several wretched occasions, not only sympathize with these two outrageous sluts but also challenge ANYONE to try and get through that ordeal sober. You have to be three sheets to the wind just to survive the revolting sodden box of "lunch" they give you. (Me: What the fuck is this? Flight attendant: Pizza. Me: Ah, of courses. *retches* The lavatory, please? I need to lock myself into it with this East European lunatic so I can forget I ever saw it.)

Lilia's own mother swears her child's lips have never touched the drink, let alone the tobacco, so I don't know where the dozens of photos of Lilia's lips doing exactly that even come from, but it's probably some sort of Russian-backed Photoshop conspiracy. 

Nevertheless, the media is insistently painting these tramps as the bad guys, even NORAD piled on by sending fighter jets to escort the two back to the GTA instead of shunting them directly to Justin Bieber's house where they would have fit in like jerk on chicken. They both made court appearances today, one of them being let out on $2500 bail and the other held overnight "awaiting a signature from her surety" (translation: nobody in their right mind is gonna bail that bitch out). 

Well I just don't know what this world is coming to when a girl can't have a nice little cocktail and a puff of a fag while on vacation without the end result being a Brampton courthouse and/or jail. I live in Brampton and it is THE REASON I go on vacation! 

EDITOR'S NOTE: This seems like a very a propos time to mention that the mistress has booked an October vacation to St. Lucia. I plan to hide the booze and smokes in the checked luggage. It'll be safer, I reckon. 
MY NOTE: Yeah, that'll stop me. *swills Russian Standard directly from underpants* Moron. 

Update: Milana Muzikante, clearly the naughtier of these two young chits, finally found someone to bail her out just in time to hit the clubs. "It's Friday night, kurva! Woohoo!"  

Thursday, 28 August 2014

THIS POST BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MAKERS OF BLUE IVY

blue ivy, beyonce, jay z, BET, mariah carey, kim kardashian, kendall jenner,
Q: WHICH OF THESE THREE IS IT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO MAKE FUN OF? 
A: None of them, if you value your life. I recommend picking on the Kardashians instead. Everybody hates them. 
YouTube

Before I even begin this screed, I'd like to make one thing perfectly clear: it is Whorrified's very professional motto that when it comes to gossip, nothing is sacred. Except my butt. Because I'm sorry, celebrities, but as a species y'alls do some of the stupidest shit imaginable. Besides, even Honey Boo Boo is smart enough to know that an entertainer's job is to entertain us, so when you do things like get your butt injected with chicken fat or have sexual relations with cavemen you are fulfilling your duty and making it very easy for me to fulfil mine. Which is to mock the ever-loving shite out of you while also ensuring no cuss word ever becomes extinct. We all have our place in this world.

Having said that, there is one sub-category of the species that I regard as strictly off limits when it comes to vicious mockery, and that is kids. I don't often allow morals to trouble me but when I do, I do it for the children. Someone has to be the classy one in this business. *removes top, shakes tassles in Donald Trump's face* Which is why,  although you will often hear me verbally sodomizing Kanye West and his porn star ... oh pardon me, fashion icon ... bride, I have always drawn the line at mocking their baby. And am I ever glad because some BET producer aired a lame joke about Beyonce and Jay Z's two-year-old daughter, Blue Ivy, yesterday and he not only lost his job but has also been ordered to perform daily restitutional blow jobs on the Illumati for the rest of his life. (Link below.)

And now, speaking of how children are off-limits, let's begin with this item about how the youngest Kardashian-Jenner is ripe for the pimpening. *bows head piously* May the lord be with you.

Kylie Jenner is just two frontal surgeries away from being profitable Kim. Fishwrapper

Prince Harry has a new girlfriend and her name, I shit you not, is Camilla. E!Online 

Mariah Carey was not insanely jealous and controlling of Nick Cannon at all. Hollywood Life

Brad and Angelina got married because, I dunno, having six kids and living together for nine years wasn't 'official' enough? TMZ

Make fun of Beyonce and Jay Z's kid at your own peril. Page Six 

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

LEO DiCAPRIO'S ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE MEANT WELL



HERE’S LEO DiCAPRIO HANGIN’ WITH THE FIRST NATIONS PEOPLE OF LAKE ATHABASCA
and preparing to do the Ice Bucket Challenge. And from the looks of him I’d say that’s the closest his hair has been to water in quite some time. Although he did donate $100,000 to the ALS Society afterwards, which was very nice of him so just ignore me. I have a drinking problem.

Leonardo DiCaprio is in Alberta filming a boring environmental documentary and is catching on quickly to the many ways we have fun in this country. Meaning he visited the oilsands and took the Ice Bucket Challenge, which he then rendered absolutely hilarious by challenging our Prime Minister to do the same. I guess nobody outside Canada realizes that Stephen Harper IS an ice bucket, so that’s basically asking him to commit cannibalism. Which I’m sure he’d have no problem doing although he would later pin the whole thing on Nigel Wright and then claim to have no recollection of ever seeing an ice bucket. You see what you’ve got yourself into, Leo? Ugly business. You have no idea. Don’t be fooled by all the maple syrup and the constant refrain of “sorry, sorry,” this is a lawless land peopled with cold, ruthless killing machines. Why do you think Justin Bieber left for the safer haven of Hollywood’s mean streets? The poor kid was scared shitless. *makes We The North gang sign*


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MY LATEST VISIT WITH PIGGLY WENT PARTICULARLY WELL

piggly wiggly, brampton, whorrified, ice bucket challenge,
PIGGLY AND I SPEND A JOYOUS HOUR ON THE FRONT PORCH
waiting for passersby to mistake me for her mother. 
It's just one of the many fun things we do when Glama visits.

It's been an unheard-of two weeks since I last saw my little honey bundle of thigh rolls, and I don't know if Piggly Wiggly Withdrawal is a medically recognized condition, but if it isn't, it should be. Because I suffer from it and it is no joke. If more than a week goes by without an infusion of her baby cuteness, I start to feel wan. If more than 10 days go by, I start to have nightmares. (In the last one, Piggly walked up to me on her fat little seven-month-old legs and barked, "That's not really coffee in that cup at all, is it?") 

So when I opted to visit her during my precious days off last week rather than staying home and cleaning my slatternly household it's more of a habitat, really it was basically a medical emergency and therefore I have no reason to feel guilty about it. Even though I implied I was coming over to help out and then did nothing but sit around drinking "coffee" and cuddling my adorable little plumpling.

However, because I am nothing if not a gigantic pain in the ass saint, I did endeavour to make myself somewhat useful. Meaning I sent my daughter and her hubby out for some couple time while I babysat. In the one hour that they were gone, I managed to spill an entire bowl of pureed baby food on their new furniture, keep the baby up past her bedtime taking selfies and, for the piece de resistance, somehow allowed her to pull that goddam feeding tube out. Any of the romance her parents were able to rekindle while they were out was instantly doused by the ensuing ordeal of having to hold their squirming, squealing infant down and wind that awful thing back into her stomach through her nose. I have a feeling it might be more than two weeks before I'm allowed back to help again. Seriously not looking forward to those damn nightmares ...

THE KID PAUSED DURING A ROUSING ROUND OF JOLLYJUMPING, LOOKED ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND SAID:  
'Enough of this crap, how about you pour that drink over your head and call it the Ice Bucket Challenge?' Or maybe it was just another one of my withdrawal nightmares. They're terrifyingly real.

Monday, 25 August 2014

IS IT JUST ME OR WERE THOSE THE WORST VMAs EVER?

beyonce, mtv vmas, video music awards, miley cyrus, nicki minaj,
BEYONCE SHAMELESSLY USES HER OWN HUSBAND AND CHILD AS PROPS 
in an otherwise boring-as-snot musical performance. If I wanted decency and family values I'd turn to ... well I have no idea, actually, but it certainly wouldn't be the goddam VMAs!

I'm not sure what I was expecting from last night's MTV VMAs but it certainly wasn't tame behaviour. So between the overabundance of acronyms and the sheer skull-numbing dullness of it all I somehow wound up in a coma the likes of which I have not experienced since the last time I drained a 60-pounder of Jose Cuervo all by myself. Which was just two days ago but that's neither here nor there. The point is how the hell did the VMAs go from the promise of death-by-goddam-boa constrictor to the stultifying ennui of bloodless performances by everyone from Iggy Azalea to Katy Perry to Beyonce, whose epic 20-minute "performance" was so painful it made waterboarding seem like an attractive option? 

Seriously. No twerking, no Ima Let You Finish-ing, not so much as a single nippleflash ... why I've been to Amish raves that had more "edge." (I highly recommend the molasses shooters: those sumbitches really creep up on you!) Even Miley Cyrus went all Christian on us and had some homeless shelter crusader preaching do-gooder gobbledygook when all the masses really wanted was a vag-flash or a rousing round of foam-fingering. 

These are hard times, you guys: journalists are being beheaded and young black men are being shot dead for no reason other than, meh, he was jaywalking. If ever we needed musical court jesters it is now. We ask almost nothing of you other than that you pleasure us with your indecency and soullessness ... and you let us down. You let us down, Miley and Iggy and Beyonce and most of all Nicki Minaj. There's blood on your butt implants: I hope you can live with that. 
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to change the channel. There's gotta be someone somewhere who's willing to prostitute her good name for the sake of ratings and my personal amusement. Oh, look! They've made Whorrified into a pay-TV channel. BINGO!!! 

MILEY CYRUS AT THE 2013 VMAs:
Twerking, tongue and vinyl underpants
MILEY CYRUS AT THE 2014 VMAs:  
Tears, decorum and social activism. I leave it to you to decide which is the more entertaining option. (Hint: Not this one.)