Wednesday, 23 July 2014

NURSE WHORRIFIED WILL TEND TO THE INJURED NOW

pig face, piggly wiggly, justin bieber, rob ford, whorrified,
HERE'S ME, MOMENTS BEFORE THE FATEFUL BIKE RIDE (LEG NOT SHOWN) 
It's a photo that has almost zero relevance to this post but I like it so fuck off.

If you notice it's gone mercifully curiously silent here on Whorrified in the past few days, there's a reason for that. And it's called the penitentiary for women. Haha, kidding, no one has put killer wit and traffic-stopping beauty into the Criminal Code (yet), so I'm safe. No, what happened is that some of the family health problems I made reference to earlier have come home to roost, so we've got a loved one recuperating from major surgery in hospital (and doing well) and, more importantly, I got an ouchie on my knee. Because remember when I bragged at length about how I went bike riding for two hours and my notoriously fussy leg didn't fall off, blow up or make an arse of itself in any noticeable way whatsoever? Well, my leg thought that was out of order and so it decided to teach me a lesson. 

For about five days now, I've hardly been able to walk and have been told I've got a torn quadriceps tendon. (Leg's note: Hell yes you do!) So between that and hospital visits and, hmmm, I feel like I'm forgetting something ... oh yeah, my real job ... I'll be making scantier appearances this week. You never know when I'll pop up though, so keep checking in. Especially if either Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian or Rob Ford does anything stupid. I know, right? WHAT ARE THE ODDS!

Monday, 21 July 2014

I'VE DECIDED THAT MY PIGGLY SHOULD MARRY ROYALTY

prince george, king of england, piggly wiggly, prince william, kate middleton,

Normally I don't give a flying feck about the Royals (except I notice I couldn't bring myself to spell out 'fuck,' so who am I kidding?), but this photo of wee Prince George taking his first steps actually made me say, "Aw-w-w-w-w!" Although I do seem to be frighteningly maudlin when presented with photos of baby anything these days, and I suspect Piggly Wiggly has everything to do with it.

But the real reason I'm referencing this royal non-event is because a thought occurred to me when I read about it, and I don't know how it never occurred to me before: it's entirely possible that my grandbaby could marry that boy some day. Even I could learn to tolerate Camilla and Chahles if it meant I'd get to summer at Windsor Castle. (Prince George: "Jeeves! Fetch my mother-in-law another brandy, will you? In a bucket.")

Think about it: they're a mere six months apart, Piggly is a citizen of the Commonwealth and is clearly going to grow up to be one of those exotic beauties that pasty white guys go gaga for. There's the little matter of an entire ocean and a phalanx of bodyguards being between them, but hey, it's the digital age. He just has to click on one picture of her and the rest will take care of itself. It's how all the new fairy tales end. And so, without further ado, let us begin the process of pimping Piggly out to the future King of England. Below is her first official profile photo on the dating website PlentyofPigglies.com. Please feel free to tweet it out to all of your followers. Especially the British ones. Oh, and the equine quarterlies. I hear all the royals are crazy about that shit.

piggly wiggly
VIA PLENTYofPIGGLIES.COM: 
This lovely young filly has doe eyes and good legs and is a sharp dresser. #PrinceGeorge #MakeAnOffer


CASEY KASEM'S DEAD BODY HAS GONE MISSING NOW

casey kasem, jean thompson, jean kasem,
CASEY AND JEAN IN HAPPIER DAYS, 
 meaning when he still had his wits about him 
but not enough to realize that he had married 
a much-younger madwoman.
I don't usually pray to God because He has never once answered my prayers for a massive lottery win so my time is obviously better spent hunting sugar daddies. However ... and you are going to LOVE how I seque from sugar daddies into this one ... even I would make an exception if it would help Casey Kasem get tucked into the goddam ground where he belongs. Because not only was the poor bastard the subject of a bloodthirsty tug-of-war during his final days, but the battle has waged even more furiously on after his death. 

Kasem has been dead for more than a month now, but hasn't been laid to rest yet because his kids want an autopsy I don't know, something about not trusting a woman who'd spirit a demented old man away from his children and have him treated by witch doctors and his trophy wife doesn't. 
But wait, it gets better. Because now his body has gone missing, and when I say "missing" I mean smuggled into Canada for a private autopsy commissioned by his wife. (Editor's note: I can't even sneak an extra bottle of rum into my luggage without getting detained at customs and this broad somehow got a dead body in? My note: I'm sure she told them it was just vegetables.) 

The crazy bitch plans to have him buried in Montreal despite his stated wish to be buried in Hollywood Hills, because the man had Alzheimer's so nothing he said matters except the part where he put a ring on her finger and gave her what turned out to be fatal control, is how her logic appears to be unfolding. If there really were a God, He'd be making Kasem arise from the dead and smother her with her own hooters. Seriously. The very fact that this hasn't happened proves the Creationists are insane. 
And at this point, I'd like to conclude this hallowed vesper before I wander offscript and get myself permanently consigned to Hell. Amen.

EDITOR'S NOTE: If that happens, just marry Jean Kasem. She'll get you outta there.

Saturday, 19 July 2014

YOUR DAILY DOSE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S WHORRORS, VOL 9

scott disick, khloe kardashian, kourtney kardashian, rihanna, mike ford, other people's whorrors,
SCOTT DISICK GOT SO DRUNK he took a bath with the wrong sister. 
I'm going to have to go scrub my eyeballs with Listerine now.
 Instagram/LetTheLordBeWithYou

Lord Disick just posted this picture of himself enjoying a bubble bath with his wife's sister, which is the sort of thing one should expect of hillbillies so I don't even know why I'm surprised. The Dick has the excellent excuse of being in an almost constant state of inebriation, although I don't know what Khloe's excuse is so I'm just going to assume that incest, like everything else that is wrong with this world, is okay with the Kardashians. I'm not sure whether this picture was taken before or after the Dick was hospitalized for severe alcohol poisoning, but either way, I hope that's antibacterial bubble bath or Khloe's going to get cooties. 

In other moments of celebrity genius, we have Rihanna briefly dabbling in world politics before realizing she doesn't have a fucking clue what a Hamas is, and the new poster boy for the "Put Birth Control Pills in Toronto's Water NOW!" campaign. Enjoy your weekend. I'm off to drain my daughter's liquor cabinet on the pretext of visiting my little Piggly Wiggly. (Whoever invented grandkids is a genius!) *Clink!*

Stick to what you know, Rihanna. Meaning butt shots. Independent

V. Stiviano is too stupid to realize Drake was dissing her. Bossip
 
Great. Another member of the Ford family has popped up like a greasy Whack-a-Mole. HuffingtonPost

World's worst parents just made Paris Hilton want a baby to carry around in her purse. TMZ 


Thursday, 17 July 2014

PIGGLY HAS A FEEDING TUBE AND IS CUTER THAN EVER

Piggly Wiggly, Mike Duffy, Rob Ford, feeding tube, Anne Hathaway, Things on Piggly's head,
YES, THE WORLD CUP IS OVER 
but we still dress our baby in 
Brazil outfits every single day. 
Don't you?



I'm little late getting to my verbal eviscerations today, which will happen when you have to have to work into the wee hours because Mike Duffy is the new Rob Ford. But I don't want either of those buttery visuals in my mind right now so let's move right along to something eminently more delectable (albeit also pretty buttery), my wee delicious Piggly Wiggly. 

Our little Piggles is getting cuter and chubbier by the minute, although those rolls must have packed on by osmosis because heaven knows the little monkey isn't actually eating a damn thing. We tried every trick in the book except for the one the child welfare authorities warned me in writing is a no-no: spiking the breast milk. (Memo to Christ: Don't let me come back as one of their kids. BORING!) 

In the end, my daughter finally resigned herself to the one thing she didn't want to resign herself to: a feeding tube. She's a lionhearted young mother and caving to that forced override wasn't easy for her, but she did what had to be done and she's adjusting to it. And I have to say, it's really helping. In fact I'm thinking of asking for one for Christmas because, by God, I could be ingesting tequila 24/7 and no one would know! 

I wasn't sure about posting this pic of my grandbaby with a tube inserted in her nose, but her mom said, "For God's sake, Mother, you've run pictures of Anne Hathaway's crotch, Kim Kardashian's tits and Blac Chyna's butt. This is a step up." (I have no idea who she gets this cheekiness from but I'm told it's a very common trait among Mennonites.) So, with her mother's blessing, here's my beautiful Piggly with her new best friend. It's not exactly what I had in mind when we started this "Things on Piggly's head" game, but it'll do.


Wednesday, 16 July 2014

ROB FORD SUPPORTERS ARE DUE FOR THEIR RABIES SHOT

rob ford, mayoral debate, toronto election, shirtless protester, susan fennell, brampton,
'I DON'T CARE WHETHER THE MAYOR SMOKED CRACK!' 
Actual quote from creepy Ford supporter, left.
screengrab/thestar.com/videos 

I generally find mayoral debates only slightly less boring than court-ordered community service, but now that Rob Ford has escaped graduated from rehab and is back in the game, I wouldn't have missed last night's Scuffle in Scarborough for the world. Although if you ask me, the protesters stole the show. I mean, seriously, GET A FRIGGIN' LOAD of this hillbilly smackdown, below. 

In this delightful video, captured at last night's debate, several of Rob Ford's legally retarded cronies violently defend his good name despite the fact that it doesn't even exist. It's like working yourself into a rabid head of froth in defence of unicorns if unicorns were made of butter and smoked crack. I took the liberty of not identifying any of these lunatics because ... well frankly I'm afraid to speak their names aloud, because they might then magically materialize on my doorstep and demand to know why I don't smoke crack. Which, as you will note from this vignette, is not a bad thing. In fact it may even be the very reason Mr. Clean the Lesser is going to vote him right the fuck back in again. "FORD MORE YEARS!" *wheezes* EDITOR! My smelling salts! The nine-gram ones.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Oh dear. It's pretty bad when The Protester Formerly Known as Shirtless (right) comes off looking like the smart one. 

MY NOTE: Honestly, if I weren't living in a city run by Susan Funnell (sic), I'd say Toronto is the sorriest municipality in Ontario right now.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

YOUR DAILY DOSE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S WHORRORS, VOL 8

kim kardashian, blac chyna, tyga, rapper's cars,
BLAC CHYNA AND HER BESTIE, KIM KARDASHIAN,
attempt to break the arse-time continuum while simultaneously thinking about nothing. Nothing at all. In fact I swear I can hear a dial tone ... 
INSTAGRAM/BLACCHYNA

Today's instalment of OPW (it doesn't have quite the tang of cool I was hoping for but why type three words when you can type one? I'm a busy woman and these martinis aren't going to drink themselves ... I hope) is brought to you by the gobsmacking planet of dumb that is Blac Chyna. Who found the time and money to get butt implants, face piercings and a matte black Rolls Royce Phantom, but never quite got around to getting a driver's licence. And likely wouldn't have qualified for one anyway because her death-defying acts of unlicensed terrorism caught the eye of the LAPD, who promptly impounded her vehicle. 

Unfortunately, her boyfriend, rapper Tyga, was of no use in this situation as he has had pretty much every car he owns impounded as well, most recently his white Lamborghini. And it's not that I expect genius of a professional stripper who has Kim Kardashian as a best friend, but Jesus Christ, woman, hire a chauffeur. There's no shame in it; some of our butteriest magistrates have had to do the same thing and now he can pretend to read while in a moving vehicle and no one gets hurt. 

In other news, we have babies the size of midgets and and of course the obligatory nipple slip. (Oh, don't pretend you're shocked. You know goddam well this isn't the Economist. That stuff's for smart people.)

To begin: Blac Chyna had her car impounded because unfortunately, money can't buy brain implants. X17

Mariah Carey went under the Photoshop knife in a big way. Jezebel

Selena Gomez had a nipple slip so naturally it went directly to Instagram. PerezHilton

Christina Aguilera is about to give birth to a full-grown man. TooFab

I'm going to break with tradition and not say anything mean here because Tracy Morgan is goddam lucky to be alive. TMZ