Friday, 30 January 2015

GWYNETH PALTROW WANTS YOU TO STEAM YOUR VAG

Gwyneth Paltrow, Goop, vagina steam, chris martin, coldplay, jennifer lawrence,
'I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, MY VAGINA 
ISN'T STEAMY ENOUGH'
MingleMedia/TVNetwork photo


When last we checked in on Gwyneth Paltrow, she was either pulling oil or making her kids sell organic lemonade to homeless people. I can't even remember. She's such an egregiously silly hippie twat it's almost impossible to keep up with her stupidisms. 

Although this latest one seems to have stupidism legs because by God if she isn't actually encouraging women to steam their own friggin vagina now. No seriously. 

She's obviously drunk on grass-fed horseshit or something because Gwyneth is telling women they don't know what they're missing if they haven't tried the 'latest thing,' to wit steaming their lady gardens with a healthful potpourri of mugwort and dandelion and whatnot. She tried it herself and she's never known such energizing cleanliness.
Via Goop:
“You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”
Which reminds me, is anyone surprised Gwyneth's ex, Chris Martin, consciously uncoupled from this barking mad steam demon the second he got a chance? I'm guessing Jennifer Lawrence steams her vagina at least never times a month. Plus she eats burgers. It's as if someone gave him a Get Out of Jail Free card with boobs.

EDITOR'S NOTE Is it just me or does steamed vagina sound like an item on a horror-movie dim sum menu?

Thursday, 29 January 2015

SUGE KNIGHT RAN OVER HIS OWN GODDAM FRIEND

suge knight, death row records, james blatt,
SOMEONE NEEDS TO REMIND SUGE KNIGHT 
that he's almost 50 years old. His mother, maybe? 
(Or has he accidentally killed her as well? 
I don't know, I really can't keep track 
of these rap moguls' antics.) 
Wikipedia photo
 
Suge Knight, who has somehow parlayed his dime-a-dozen talents to 'rap mogul' status, would clearly rather be doing what he is best at: being a thug. Because not only is he basically just a 49-year-old, 280-pound domestic-violence-and-gunfire magnet whose very presence causes bullets to start flying, but now he has actually mowed down one of his own friends in an act of retarded vehicular homicide. 

Suge's lawyer claims Suge was 'attacked' after an argument at a Compton burger shop code for being shot at because the crack he was selling at premium prices was in fact just chopped-up chunks of Ivory soap on Thursday and then ran over his friend, label owner Terry Carter, while fleeing the scene. Implying, I guess, that he killed his friend in self-defence. (Jesus Christ, buddy. With friends like you, who needs ISIS?)

TMZ reports that witnesses say Suge threw his car into reverse once, and then a second time a car-as-battering-ram manoever made famous by Michael Bryant and that he has now been charged with murder. Which makes the Death Row record label he founded a stroke of retroactive genius.

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

DRAKE SENT PORN STAR A 'CRINGEWORTHY' NUDIE PIC

drake, mia khalifa, tati neves, jennifer aniston,
PORN STAR MIA KHALIFA MAY FAKE SEX FOR CASH WHILE WEARING A HIJAB 
but by Allah, she has standards. Don't you ever forget that!
INSTAGRAM/MIA KHALIFA1

Drake is rapidly becoming the Jennifer Aniston of the rap world and if he's not careful the taint will soon grow so strong it will repel all females instead of just Rihanna and porn stars. Because Lebanese porn star Mia Khalifa, who would literally rather risk death by beheading than hook up with Drake (oh please; she makes pornos while wearing a hijab ... I give her till February), told a radio show host that Drake "a celebrity" sent her a half-naked picture of himself on Instagram and she responded by publicly stoning him with her words.
Via Man Cave:
Host: How ’bout this. Give me a name it rhymes with.
Mia: Oh my god. Ummm. It rhymes with…”rake.”
And did Rake follow her on Twitter and creep through direct message like most famous people? Of course not. He actually sent her a half-naked picture on Instagram, like a horny teenager. Because, of course Rake would do that.
She liked it, though, right?
“It was so cringeworthy. The whole thing was cringeworthy.”
Yeah well I'm no expert, Rake, and neither is my born-again virgin moron editor, but both of us have had a good cry-laugh over this one and here's what we've concluded: It's the robe. You gotta lose the robe. And if that doesn't work, maybe you should just call Tati Neves. She's already proven that she's not above "cringeworthy" and I'm pretty sure she has absolutely nothing to do with her time these days.

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

CHRISSY TEIGEN AND JOHN LEGEND GOT PAID TO DO THIS

Chrissy Teigen, John Legend, GQ magazine, Lena Dunham,
CHRISSY TEIGEN AND JOHN LEGEND ENJOY DINNER AT A FANCY RESTAURANT 
Jesus Christ, Chrissy: you're getting hair in the appetizers! Sheesh. Supermodels, amirite?
Anders Overgaard/GQ February 2015

Yes. Yes, you're getting another Chrissy Teigen post. For those of you who are counting, that's two eyeballsful of Chrissy Teigen in two days. I don't normally do back-to-back anybody on this blog but I will occasionally make an exception, and today is one of those exceptional occasions. Mostly because there's sweet dick-all else going on in the celebritwat world but also because I took one look at this photo and felt the air whoosh out of my head. 

When last we left Chrissy, her six-foot-long legs were gratuitously flailing all over a hospital bed while some doctor got paid actual money to rub her ankles and say, "In my professional opinion you cracked your foot bone. The chest X-rays were just a precautionary measure. One can never be too thorough ..." Then today, Chrissy and her husband, singer John Legend, unleashed this GQ photoshoot, in which they got paid actual money to do the sort of thing one feverishly imagines they do at home for free all the time. Plus they probably got to keep the clothes, which GQ has the cajones to suggest are the secret to bagging a supermodel.

Yeah, that's right; it's all about the cable-knit cardigans. What's that? You don't own one? Oh well. Enjoy your lifetime supply of Lena Dunham lookalikes. Click here to view the rest of the Chrissy Teigen-John Legend photoshoot, in which I can absolutely guarantee you she was not wearing underpants. Call it a hunch. 

THANK YOU, NIKE, FOR CURING ME OF THIS BAD HABIT

Nike, SportChek, Dri-Fit, Nike Pro, workout gear,
JUST SCREW IT  
I foolishly assumed this Nike outfit's $200 pricetag was a gentleman's promise that it wouldn't disintegrate on the first wear.
I have a confession to make: I buy overpriced Nike workout gear. It's part of an ongoing effort to trick myself into going to the gym often enough to counterbalance a diet of constant pasta and booze and a work environment comprised of so much sitting my arse is literally starting to take on the shape of a chair. An ergonomically designed, lumbar-supporting, executive office chair, mind you, but still: a chair. Nobody wants a chair-shaped ass.

So I think I can be forgiven if, on my few precious days off, I sacrifice my wallet at the altar of SportChek so that I'll feel obliged to drag my body to the altar of GoodLife. Hence I've been treating myself to everything from mesh trainers to psychedelic track suits and venturing further and further afield to find ever more psychedelic outfits at ever more exorbitant prices until finally ... I hit the wake-up wall. 

This happened when I fell in love with a black-on-black Nike Pro Dri-Fit track suit with a fluorescent lemon-meringue-coloured swoosh. It's a little more subtle than the Nike Pro Dri-Fit track suit I got for Christmas but it has the same great fit and feel and, to be honest, the same cachet that comes with a swoosh one paid 200 bucks for. So you can imagine my chagrin when I got home, slipped into my hot new getup and heard a sound that can only be described as "rrrrrrrrrrrrrip." And looked in the mirror to see that the beloved "swoosh" had split in half and was curling up at either end like a scab. An obvious political protest to which I responded with a mix of rage and shame.

Because here's the thing, Nike: I already feel dirty enough for buying a product you paid some nine-year-old to cobble together. I already feel dirty enough paying $200 for a product that probably cost you $12. Your role in this disgusting charade is to convince me that, at some point, some major quality control honcho is brought in, perhaps even paid a living wage, someone who sees to it that the seams, the zippers and most of all THE GODDAM NIKE SWOOSH do not explode the second one of us materialistic Western mall whores tries it on. That is your job. Your only job. (Well that and, presumably, ensuring the underage Indonesians don't burn like kebabs when the shithole factory goes up in flames for the thirtieth time this year.) 

It doesn't seem like too much to ask but apparently it is and so guess what, Nike: I'm finished with you. The appalling shoddiness of your overpriced gear has, belatedly I admit, brought me to my senses. I will not EVER, I promise you, pay so much as five bucks for one of your wretched pieces of shite, even if it means I have to go to the gym in the nude. Furthermore, I'll be shipping this particular piece back to you and expecting a full refund, which I will then spend on pasta and booze, because what the hell, at least I don't have to picture Indonesian children succumbing to heat stroke while I'm enjoying it.

EDITOR'S NOTE Although, to be fair, those Indonesian kids are tougher than you might think. As this video clearly shows.


Sunday, 25 January 2015

RONALDO'S GIRLFRIEND HAS HAD ENOUGH OF HIS SHIT

Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, Irina Shayk, Andressa Urach, Miss Bum Bum,
REAL MADRID SOCCER STAR CRISTIANO RONALDO
 and his newly ex-girlfriend, Irina Shayk, in happier times. (Note to self: Consider getting a subscription to Spanish Vogue ...) 
Vogue Espana

Real Madrid soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo seems like an arrogant arsehole at the best of times so I don't find rumours that he cheated on his girlfriend with Brazilian "Miss Bum Bum" contestant Andressa Urach the least bit hard to believe. Nor do I find it hard to believe that his girlfriend, a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and a bit of a Miss Bum Bum herself, has finally had enough of his incessant studmuffining and gave him the toss. 

According to Page Six, Ronaldo's people are claiming that Ronaldo dumped Irina Shayk because she didn't attend the 60th birthday party of his mother, Dolores. (Nor would I, if I were her; the urge to scream "YOUR SON IS A WHORE!" would be uncontrollable.) Irina's people say that's complete bullshit, noting Irina has no problem with Cristiano's family. Witheringly tacit implication: "Dolores isn't the one who slept with Miss Bum Bum." And although Whorrified doesn't usually report on soccer star infidelities because good lord, if I opened that door I'd never get anything else done, I felt morally obliged to share this one with you because ... well frankly it was just an excuse to run this picture. I mean really. What is that man made of, Portuguese marble?

Lastly, for your added viewing pleasure, here is one of Miss Bum Bum's many many many Instagram photos, below. She seems like a nice young lady and I certainly hope Irina Shayk is up-to-date on her tetanus shots.

Instagram/Andressa Urach

YOUR DAILY DOSE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S WHORRORS, VOL 28

chrissy teigen, foot bone, john legend, kim kardashian, rihanna,
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BROKE CHRISSY TEIGEN'S FOOT BONE 
 but hopefully it'll move on to her phone now. What is that, Kyocera's1989 model? 
Instagram/ChrissyTeigen

Something happened to model Chrissy Teigen in New York City that caused her some sort of injury. Details are sketchy but it can't be too bad because she's keeping up her breakneck pace of posting sultry selfies to Instagram, including this one of her long bronzed legs splayed on a hospital bed. It's cryptically captioned: "Then I cracked a foot bone. I regret nothing." 
What's that? How did she crack it? Oh fer fuck's sake. Practically naked supermodel, titillating pose, free ogling ... and you want to know what happened to her foot? What is WRONG with you people?

EDITOR'S NOTE I wonder if she injured it while being blow-dried in the nude. I hear she does that ... 
MY NOTE Well if that's all it took to break a foot bone I wouldn't be able to walk. Now let's see what's going on in other celebritarse news ..

Kim Kardashian's bikini did not take kindly to Amber Rose's bikini's attempts to usurp its throne. HuffingtonPost

Chas Bono sure is buff for someone who used to be obsese. And female. TMZ

Rihanna says Leonardo DiCaprio was "the best she's ever had." EDITOR! Gonna need a bigger barf bucket! FanSided

Jennifer Lopez is getting pretty good at the insults lately. USMagazine