Wednesday, 29 October 2014

PIGGLY WIGGLY WON'T BE DRESSING UP AS JIAN GHOMESHI

piggly wiggly, jian ghomeshi, lucy decoutere, trailer park boys, sex allegations, kevin donovan, toronto star, halloween costumes, bombay sapphire,
OMG. HALLOWEEN DOESN'T GET ANY CUTER THAN THIS
Just throw your best family-sized chocolate bars at us and concede trick-or-treat defeat. 

This. This adorable face. The joy, the innocence the sheer PIGGLY WIGGLINESS of it — this is exactly the tonic I needed after a solid week of trauma that included the funeral of a national hero and the explosive news that Jian Ghomeshi's private life is no longer a mystery, it's a horror movie. (Click here to read the latest shocking allegations, but I warn you, they are both NSFW and unfit to share blog space with a precious nine-month-old cherub. No one will compare ME to Mama June!)

This photo of my granddaughter taking her very first Halloween costume for a test drive is like a shot of overproof sunshine. It's even more adorable considering that the poor little pudding just got over her first cold … and  in the nick of time too because I am really counting on eating all the chocolate she gets when she goes trick-or-treating. 

We won't trouble ourselves with the niggling issue of just what the hell is she dressed up as (A kitten? A zebra? Big Ears Teddy?) because when your cheeks are this goddam squeezable it doesn't matter. The candy is going to pour into that trick-or-treat receptacle like Bombay Sapphire into a bucket. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Isn't that how everyone drinks it? Yes I tipple a bit but I'm an excellent grandma, you assholes! *slaps pasties onto bared drunken bosoms* HALLOWEEN! Whoohooo!!! Two more sleeps, Piggly Wiggly! 

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

RENEE ZELLWEGER'S NEW FACE IS BACK FOR MORE

renee zellweger,
RENEE'S NEW FACE, LEFT, STUDIOUSLY IGNORES THE DISAPPROVING STARE  
of her old face, right. For more pictures of Renew Renee, see the post below.   
Flickr

Last week, Renee Zellweger singlehandedly confirmed that the Interweb has an IQ of about 12 by throwing it into hysterics over the fact that she, like everyone else in Hollywood, has probably had work done. Either that or she had a head transplant. I'm still on the fence about it. And, now, just when we were getting over that horror, another pic of Renee's new head emerges, this time without makeup and accompanied by some homeless person who I'm told is actually her boyfriend. Jesus, girl! I hope he has a nice personality! 
Click to view these images, via Toofab, for proof of just how shallow I really am. Seriously. If I were a lake you'd kill yourself if you tried to dive into me.

JIAN GHOMESHI'S ALLEGEDLY SADISTIC ASS GOT FIRED

jian ghomeshi, fired, CBC, Q, CBC, BDSM, lucy decoutere,
FLICKR

Well, hi, there. Let's start our Monday off by thanking our lucky stars that we are anybody but Jian Ghomeshi because holy hellballs, if ever a story were worthy of being Whorrified it is this one: Remember when I said Jian Ghomeshi's explanation for taking a break from Q for "personal issues" sounded suspiciously dodgy ... and then I ignored my usually spot-on instincts and went on to coo that he's probably just in mourning for his beloved father? 
His beloved father who always pushed him to "do better"? 
His beloved father who is probably spinning in his goddam still-warm grave at the news that his son has been dumped by the CBC on suspicion of being a sadomasochistic sex fiend who clubs his young dates senseless for kicks? 

Yeah, well bite me hard on the buttcheeks for that one, because I should have listened to myself. I should bloody well know by now that I am always right! 

On
Sunday afternoon, CBC dropped the bomb that it had severed ties with Jian Ghomeshi over sex allegations, thereby pissing all over Jian's story that he had left of his own volition. And while Twitter went into immediate cardiac arrest, Jian responded with the most gratifying Facebook post ever you can read it in its entirety here basically straight-up confessing to being a weirdo in the bedroom and how that is none of our goddam business, but apparently CBC thinks it is so guess what, JIAN IS SUING THEM FOR FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS! And right after I obsessively read and reread the naughty bits, I guffawed out loud, because dude! The CBC doesn't have $50 million dollars! Especially once you're out of the picture! (No, seriously. Can you give me one good reason to tune in to that mothball-smellingy old farts' station? Yesterday you could have given me "Q." Today? Yeah, no. I'll be tuning into Funny 820 as per usual, thank you.) 

Anyway, the story as reported by the Toronto Star is that Jian couldn't be goddam creepier. He allegedly hits on women 20 years his junior, and when I say "hits on" I mean in every possible sense of the word, because check out this line: "In one woman’s case, she visited Ghomeshi at his Toronto home and alleges as soon as she walked into his house he suddenly struck her hard with his open hand, then continued to hit her and choked her. The woman alleges Ghomeshi repeatedly beat her about the head and choked her."

Jian vehemently denies engaging in any kind of sexual acts that were not consensual, accuses a vindictive ex-girlfriend of waging a smear campaign, and insists that what goes on in the privacy of his bedroom is none of our business. Which unfortunately for him stopped being true the second the Internet got a whiff of this mess.

Anyway, you can get all the juicy, juicy details here, but remember, none of these allegations have been proven in court. And remember, Jian Ghomeshi has lawyered up and hired the PR firm Navigator, which is basically the Tanner Bolt of Toronto. And remember, someone should really check his woodshed for clues because ... no wait, sorry. Goddamit. I just finished reading Gone Girl and the similarities between these two stories keep getting in the way. 
I tell you, I cannot wait to see how this unfolds in the days and weeks ahead, because Toronto hasn't seen anything this titillating since Rob Ford and the non-existent crack video. And here I've been feeling weird about the fact that my moron editor sometimes dresses up as a naughty nurse.

EDITOR'S NOTE Ack! *sobs like a girl* YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER TELL!!!
MY NOTE This just in: I'm a bit of a bitch.

Sunday, 26 October 2014

IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING 'BUT WHO IS SHE, REALLY?'


It has been one year since I created the tangy little mind candy I call Whorrified.ca, and so far I have not been sued, sworn at or stink-bombed. This calls for champagne! Which I would share with you except that I already drank it. So instead, please accept this information about the fascinating woman behind the blog that consumes your valuable time.


Name: Whorrified.
No, real name: Whorrified.
Sex: Yes please.
Age: 29 (Plus 48. Minus 29. Ish.)
Hair colour: Fluctuates. Currently blonde with mottled roots. 
Height: Statuesque.
Weight: What's with all the questions?
Occupation: Bitch.
First language: Snarkasm.
Hometown: B(utt-ugly)rampton, Ontario. 
Marital status: I've been every one of them at one point or another, but these days I list it as "Make an Offer."
Current obsession: Finally, a question that matters! Click on this link to share my current obsession, celebrities without makeup. My favourite bare-faced celeb? Heidi Klum, who might want to deliberately start a rumour that she has an uglier twin sister if she plans to run around like this in public.

Saturday, 25 October 2014

CHRISSY TEIGEN AND HER BOOBS HAVE QUIT TWITTER

chrissy teigen, twitter, john legend, nathan cirillo, sports illustrated, michael zehaf-bibeau,
HERE'S MODEL CHRISSY TEIGEN, ENJOYING A SPRAY TAN IN THE NUDE 
and sharing the whole spectacular thing on Twitter. Yeah, well those days are over. 
#ThanksTwitterTrolls
Chrissy Teigen/Instagram

I have nothing against Chrissy Teigen. She seems like a perfectly nice girl, and heaven knows she must have something going for her because John Legend deems her worthy of his bed, Sports Illustrated deemed her worthy of their cover and Oprah deemed her worthy of an interview, so if I'm doing the math correctly, that practically equals Beyonce (minus the talent, carry the boobs). Plus she mows her lawn in a bikini and heels, so hell, why isn't she president, is what I want to know? 

Alas, Twitter has rather harshly provided the answer: because she's dumb as fuck. Because while Canada's very soul recoiled in shock and horror after the tragic shooting of Cpl. Nathan Cirillo while he was standing guard at the National War Memorial, Chrissy Teigen decided to weigh in thusly on Twitter: "Active shooting in Canada, or as we call it in America, Wednesday." 

A tweet that even I, who sees a bitch in every closet, realized was just a clumsy jab at lax gun controls ... I mean, really, there's a reason she's a model and not a biophysicist ... but which heartbroken Canadians were so enraged by they couldn't see straight. The backlash, insults and death threats were instantaneous and overwhelming, and so vicious that Chrissy eventually decided to pull the plug on Twitter forever. (Meaning three or four days, a week, max.) "I can't see anything through the sea of hate that is now my Twitter," she tweeted, after regrettably baiting further death threats by tweeting:


Right? You almost have to feel sorry for the poor retarded little nincompoop. Except don't because she's rich and insensitive and sleeping with John Legend, and did I mention she has legs up to her armpits? In fact ... *looks around angrily* ... where's my phone? Editor! Fetch me my phone! I need to Tweet some death threats to Chrissy Teigen! The shit that comes out of her mouth, it's unbelievable! "Wednesday" ??? I'll give you Wednesday! 

EDITOR'S NOTE: And while the mistress pointlessly flails at a Twitter account that no longer exists, may I inform you that, should you care to ogle more naked photographs further berate Chrissy Teigen, you can now find her here, on Instagram. Er, oh so I'm told.

Thursday, 23 October 2014

I EAT SUSHI NOW. YEAH, I'M AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE

AFTER OUR SUSHI DINNER, MINI ME AND I WENT TO THE MOVIES
and annoyed the hell out of everyone by taking selfies and giggling.


So, big news: I eat sushi now. Yeah, don't bother rereading that, it's not really big news, I'm just being a drama queen. Although it is big-ish news for me, because I friggin hated the stuff for years and never understood why all my friends are always oohing and aahing over it. Cold rice? Raw fish? SEAWEED PAPER? Jesus Christ, people, have you never heard of The Keg? 

Anyway, it's all about the Achilles heel, and mine is Piggly Wiggly. And her mom my daughter, aka Mini Me. Lately she's been asking me to do all sorts of things I would normally shat all over, and I, in my feverish need to help her through an unexpectedly gruelling new phase of her life, have been capitulating. Which is how it happened that, after I stopped in on Friday for a quick hit of the most adorable baby ever, I somehow wound up agreeing to stay for dinner and a movie. The movie being The Judge (three out of four stars) and the dinner being Ye's Sushi (four out of four WTFs). 

"Er, but I'm not really fond of sushi," I hedged. 
"That's because you haven't tried Ye's sushi; it's the best," my daughter urged. "Plus they have lots of other stuff, you don't even have to have sushi at all."  

ye's sushi, piggly wiggly, whorrified, marie sutherland,
MINI ME DAINTILY APPLIES HERSELF TO AN ORDER OF SUSHI  
Despite the fact that there are dozens of plates of less-healthy food right in front of her.


And in fact, I had no intention of having sushi at all. I ordered a large glass of wine and everything non-sushi on the menu while simultaneously complaining that I just can't seem to shake this last pesky 10 pounds, while petite little Mini Me nibbled on low-fat futomaki and murmured, "How are the cream-cheese filled deep-fried wontons?" 

To make a long story short, I eventually got around to trying the sushi and pronounced it "almost edible ... if you smother it with enough wasabi." In fact, the more I tried it, the more I didn't absolutely loathe it, so I guess it's an acquired taste. Which seems pointless because why should one have to try to acquire a taste for something when loving chocolate, Brie cheese and a beautifully charbroiled steak comes naturally? It's like trying to acquire a taste for sobriety. (Which I did once. I'm better now.)

Anyway, the bottom line is that sushi sucks it was a lovely night out with my daughter. But if that kid ever convinces me to abstain from drinking I would like to go on record as asking you guys to have me put down. Seriously. It's what any good friend would do. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Well I've met your Mini Me and she's pretty persuasive. So I'll keep this large pellet of rat poison handy just in case. 
MY NOTE: *gasps* How did you find that? I had it carefully hidden in your personal box of cereal!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF, RENEE ZELLWEGER?

renee zellweger,
THE FACT THAT THIS WOMAN IS RECOGNIZABLE AS RENEE ZELLWEGER 
tells us that this is a 'before' picture. Because Renee Zellweger now looks so unlike Renee Zellweger she probably scares the shit out of herself every time she looks in the mirror.
See Renee's "new face" here.
 Photo/Wikipedia

Look, I fully realize that not everyone can age as eerily gracefully as I have (being on Our Lord and Saviour's payroll has its advantages), but Jesus Christ, Renee Zellweger! Has no one ever warned you of the dangers of discounted Botox? TMZ posted this disturbing picture of Renee at an awards show last night and if they hadn't told me it was Renee Zellweger, I would never have known it was Renee Zellweger. I can't say I was ever a fan (synopsis: a solid actor rendered completely insufferable by overpouting and twee) but one at least had to respect her acting chops. Now she's gone Lil Kim on us and when was the last time Lil Kim had a hit? Or LaToya Jackson? Oh, and remember Jennifer Gray? Yeah, neither does Jennifer Gray. Point being, holy crap, Renee Zellweger, whatever you paid that guy to do whatever he did to your face, get your money back. And your face, too. Although if he can arrange to leave your lips completely and permanently unpoutable, that might be okay. In fact, it'd be great.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Not that I'm milking the woman's misfortune for cheap thrills, but if you like that sort of thing you HAVE to check out this "slider" visual on CTV's website. Watch Renee's face dissolve right in front of your eyes! 
MY NOTE: *slides, slides, slides, shrieks with glee, slides* I LOVE THIS! We have to learn how to do this!