Friday, 18 April 2014

I'M OBVIOUSLY GOING TO HAVE MY WORK CUT OUT FOR ME

easter, piggly wiggly, things on piggly wiggly's head,
OH, YOUR FAMILY HAS EASTER EGG HUNTS?  
Well Piggly Wiggly's mom is more of a "Let's put things on the baby's head" kinda hostess. 
(See the interactive image below for more kneeslappin' good times.)

Happy Easter, everyone! Like most lapsed Catholics, I sometimes have to remind myself that this is in fact a deeply religious observance as opposed to just a three-day weekend which, after the week I just had, is as much of a miracle as the fact that Jesus our Saviour rose from the dead to hunt Easter eggs. 

I will be spending the blessed holiday with family at my daughter's home, where I can cuddle my beloved Piggly Wiggly and make sure her mom doesn't get out of hand with the head ornaments. This sort of thing can rapidly escalate from amusing prank to dangerous habit, as I learned when I tried it on the pig dog using a bowl of scalding chowder instead of a wig. The drama! The screeching! The mess! Although the aroma of chowder-dipped swine was oddly delectable and lingered for days afterwards.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pour a martini and bark orders at the moron who's cooking the osso bucco I will bring to my daughter's and tell everyone I made myself. Oh ... and my wigs. I have to sort my wigs. If we're going to be putting things on Piggly Wiggly's head all bloody weekend, the least I can do as her grandmother is make sure they are worthy. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: *samples sauce, kisses fingertips* Magnifique! It's like velvet.
MY NOTE: *tosses empty bottle of Grey Goose in general direction of stovetop* Stop tonguing the osso bucco and come help me find my transvestite hooker wig! It's my favourite. 

EASTER EXTRA: HOVER OVER the pic below for captions.

HEIDI KLUM'S HOOTERS ARE ENJOYING THEIR VACATION

heidi klum, vito schnabel, tulum photos, whorrified, editorspick,
HERE'S HEIDI KLUM TAKING SOME TEENAGER FOR A WALK 
while wearing almost nothing but a ballcap and a smile.
Spletnik/Twitter

Heidi Klum is on vacation in Tulum, Mexico. Her bikini top, meanwhile, is apparently on vacation somewhere else, because it hasn't once made an appearance the entire time she's been there. The 40-year-old runway goddess has been incessantly tweeting naked-knocker pics while in Tulum, as is her vacation wont. You do remember her topless-in-Tahiti junket, don't you? You don't? Well click here and see if this jogs your memory glands.

You've gotta feel sorry for her much-younger new boyfriend, 27-year-old art dealer Vito Schnabel, above. I'm told guys hate it when cougars bounce around topless in front of them. Although I must say that, considering I am looking at photos of an almost nude supermodel, I am feeling absolutely zero sexual heat while simultaneously experiencing a strange craving for pancakes with a side of stewing hen. 
(If you thought I was going to let this one go by without indulging my trademark body-shaming urges you do NOT know me. Which is wise of you.)

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

PAUL WALKER HAS A HOT BROTHER, THANK YOU JESUS

Brian O'conner, Caleb Cody Walker, Fast and Furious 7, Paul Walker, Paul Walker's brothers, whorrified,
DEAR JESUS: WE STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU TOOK PAUL
But we will allow ourselves to be consoled by the fact that you left us a reasonable facsimile.

And from our "The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways" files, we learn that the late Paul Walker has a near-identical brother (which would seem like too much to ask even of God because Walker was a lot of things and frickin' beautiful was one of them). 

Yet somehow we have never actually seen this alleged lookalike on account of he’s publicity shy, a hangup he’s going to have to get over now that he's signed on to fill in for Paul on some of the unfinished Fast and Furious 7 scenes. So now, because it isn't Friday yet and I can think of no better way to compensate for that than to offer you man-candy — unless you’re a guy, in which case, here: have a mint — I gift you with this poignant photo of the delectable Paul with his brothers, Caleb and Cody. 

I leave it to you to figure out which one is the lookalike. Although it’s pretty obviously Cody. Or is it Caleb? Er, Casper? Kiki? Coco? Cookie Cutter? I don’t frigging know, can't we just go with “the one on the right”? Jesus, you people love to overthink things ...


EDITOR'S NOTE: Would it be churlish of me to say that "the one on the left" looks no more like Paul Walker than I do?
MY NOTE: Yes. Next question?

REMEMBER THAT TIME SHARON STONE DIDN'T LOOK 56?

sharon stone, shape magazine, editorspick, whorrified,
SHAPE'S MARCH EDITION, FEATURING SHARON STONE
I don't know what they do to these covers but holy hell, I want to marry whoever it is that does it.

Remember when Sharon Stone was on the cover of Shape last month looking hotter than most 29-year-olds and crowing that it was all natural, prompting us ordinary hags to fling our box of Krispy Kreme donuts across the room and shriek: "DAMMIT, WHY CAN'T I LOOK LIKE THAT?" Well surprise surprise: it turns out even Sharon Stone doesn't look like that — at least not after she washes the Photoshop off. Click here to see what a perfectly normal 56-year-old woman looks like when caught making a furtive dash for the frozen yogurt shop. You may now resume your regularly scheduled Krispy Kreming. 

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

MILEY RUSHED TO HOSPITAL, SO MY PRAYERS WORKED

miley cyrus, editorspick, miley hospital, whorrified, twerking,
MILEY CYRUS TWEETED THIS PHOTO FROM HER HOSPITAL BED
 after doctors surgically removed that green thing from her vagina.
@MileyCyrusTWITTER

Miley Cyrus had to cancel a concert in Kansas after being rushed to the veterinary clinic because of an allergic reaction to antibiotics. Her "people" conveniently neglected to mention why the goat-arsed twerkbilly was on antibiotics, but thanks to having a moron editor who routinely dates all the wrong people, I happen to know that antibiotics are typically given to people with virulent venereal diseases. Although it could also have something to do with her creepy, reptilean tongue. God knows where that thing has been.
Thanks to the swift treatment all rich Americans get, the VD never made it as far as her fingers and Miley has therefore been able to keep up a breakneck pace of illiterate tweeting from her hospital bed. It's a goddam medical miracle, is what it is:


EDITOR'S NOTE: What the hell does that even mean?
MY NOTE: It means VD. 

Monday, 14 April 2014

KELLY OSBOURNE IS BEING A SNOTTY LITTLE BITCH AGAIN

Kelly Osbourne, Paris Hilton, Lady Gaga, Coachella, whorrified,
IN THE BRIEF MOMENTS BETWEEN ATTACKING VARIOUS WEAKLINGS ON TWITTER, 
Kelly Osbourne found time to share this picture of her butt-ugly new haircut Le Mental Patient, conveniently shaved to show the doctors where to make the lobotomy incision.


Because she has the soul of a hyena, the overfed ego of most celebrity brats and the brains of Ozzie Osbourne, I suppose I should not be surprised every time Kelly Osbourne opens her mouth and pus comes out. And yet, here I am getting myself in a snit over Kelly's latest ridiculous feud, which is quite possibly her most ridiculous feud yet. (Although that Gaga throwdown was pretty epic.) 

Basically, what happened was Kelly snubbed Paris at Coachella and Paris responded by calling her a "bitch." And then of course Kelly responded by whipping out her cellphone and tweeting a horse's arse of a "retort" for the benefit of the 3.65 MILLION LOSERS who deem her worthy of following, a brilliant, shimmering put-down of the sort Dorothy Parker would have totally tweeted if she were alive (and stupid), to wit: 

Those of you who have been paying attention to Kelly's tantrums will have noticed by now that she can't spell her way out of a paper bag. And also that she conveniently targets the weakest and lowest-hanging celebrity fruit. I mean, seriously, Paris Hilton? Most of us had forgotten she even existed ... and would have preferred to keep it that way. 

Just once, I'd like to see Kelly pick a fight with a formidable opponent. Someone who might respond by kicking the living shit out of her as opposed to wanly flailing back via Twitter. Someone like, say, Madonna. Or Rihanna. Or, if we're really looking for pyrotechnics, Naomi Campbell. Now there's a bitch who knows what a cellphone was meant for. And it sure as hell isn't tweeting.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Perhaps the poor thing just needs to eat something?
MY NOTE: Exactly. Would madame care for Naomi Campbell's BlackBerry as an appetizer?

I HEARD IT WAS GOING TO SNOW SO I WENT PIGGLY POSTAL

THOSE OF YOU WHO VISIT REGULARLY ALREADY KNOW WHO THIS IS.  
Piggly Wiggly. Only the cutest baby ever.

I would normally start this post with the most offensive cuss-word in my extensive arsenal because Jesus Christ on a crutch, it's mid-April and we just woke up to snow. (Earth to Jesus: We put up with your estrogentastic flood and your goddammittohell ice storm and your worst winter on friggin' record; d'ya think we could maybe just have a little SPRING now? P.S. My editor wrote that. I personally am a huge fan. Love what you've done with the Republicans!)
However, in honour of the blessed creature that is my granddaughter, Piggly Wiggly, I will refrain from using either the "F" word or the vastly more satisfying "Mother-F" word and instead present you with the one thing that might provide enough warmth to ward off the "S" word. Because how cute is this little plumpling? Honestly. Yeah, you go ahead and try, snow. She's going to melt whatever the mother-effing eff you throw at us.

EDITOR'S NOTE: For those of you who are new to this blog ... well first of all, welcome! don't mind the cuss words, they only happen when the mistress is tipsy  ... this is the second in what is likely to become a neverending series of photos of Things On Piggly Wiggly's Head. It's the kind of good, clean fun we get up to around here.