Thursday, 30 August 2012

CONGRATULATIONS! (BUT YOU'RE STILL A NINNY)

I would ask that you refer to me 
from now on as Saint Snooki 
of the Bulging Brassieres  
Photo/Dreamstime
While obsessively scanning the Internet for tidbits to feed my celebrity fetish, I came across this one: An article by a mommy blogger imploring us mean bitches to stop picking on Snooki because SHE HAS HAD A BABY NOW.

Excuse me?
Since when is this a direct route to sainthood? Because if that's the case, I've had three kids, so I should be sitting at the right hand of God passing the Virgin Mary the K-Y Jelly she loves to spread on her toast. (Oh, she doesn't have to know. Come on, people, she's a virgin!)


Anyway, this blogger, who writes well and fairly convincingly, urges us to remember what it was like to be young. (I ... no, sorry, I can't. That was two hundred and seven years ago. It's just too hard.) She writes, and I quote: 

"What if all the moms of the Internet united to give her some respite from all the venom? Let's remember how it felt when we held our babies for the first time. How we suddenly understood the love that only a mama can know... Snooki is a new mama now. And I'm going to go even one step further and be happy for her. And I think you should too."

And for a moment there, I feel myself softening. I feel a flicker, a twinge, of conscience. 

But it turns out it was just gas or something, because seconds later I feel fine again and I think, "Oh hell no." Just because Snooki gave birth to a cute little tot doesn't mean we have to forget that she's a cheap, tacky, fame-obsessed ninny. In fact, I look forward to YEARS of increasingly good Snooki material as the lad grows up to become ... oh, i don't know ... the president of the United States, maybe? Or a dance instructor or something.
In the meantime, I will say this: I don't wish Snooki any outright harm. But as a Twitterer by the name of Mr. Lady noted of Snooki yesterday afternoon: "If you build your empire on being an idiot, well, I have little pity for spades getting called spades."

Editor's note: To read the full blog by MamaPants on BlogHer, please click on Let's Be Happy for Snooki.