Thursday, 2 August 2012

FLIRTING FOR DUMMIES: WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A GIRL

THE UNSUSPECTING FEMALE INMATES
Looking happy and relaxed because we hadn't been besieged yet. (Editor's note: 
I insist on dim lighting whenever possible, it's much more flattering to women my age. 
Soon I will only allow my picture to be taken during lunar eclipses.)

I went on a boat cruise of Toronto Harbour last weekend. It was fun. Scary fun. Free drinks fun. It was "I'll have another Porn Star and so will she!" fun. (Editor's Note: My mom occasionally reads this so I will just say here that a Porn Star is a shooter, equal parts Hypno and Sourpuss. That will mean nothing to her, but it will reassure her there were no actual porn stars on the boat...that I was aware of.) 

Anyway, after an hour on this boat, two things became painfully obvious: 1) A party boat is a cross between a nightclub and prison and 2) The male inmates haven't got a clue how to talk to the female inmates.

For the record, I'm not on the market, and after the ham-fisted hit-ons my girlfriends and I endured that night, I plan to stay that way. "The market" is a rough place to be these days.
What's needed here is a flirt-ervention. I'm sure it's not easy to strike up a conversation with women, but there are basic rules that can help make it a little more pleasant for all involved. Here, based on our experience on the HMCS OhNoYouDidn't, is a list of "don'ts" for first-time conversations:
  • Don’t call me “Dude.”
  • Don’t talk about sex. (Dude! I don’t even know your name yet.)
  • Don’t insult me. ("How old are you, anyway?"   "Old enough to know I could dump you overboard and then tell the Cap'n it was an accident." )  
  • Don't grovel:  ("If I buy you a drink you're probably gonna take off on me, right?”    "I didn't ask you to buy me a drink, but if you do, then yes, I am probably gonna take off on you when someone with cojones comes along.")
  • Don’t approach me if you’re so much shorter than I am that it makes you self-conscious and cruel. (“What are you, like 6 feet tall?” "No, I’m average height, whereas you are practically a chew toy. Why is this my fault?")
  • Don’t call me a cougar just because I'm older than you. Cougar implies that I am hunting you. If YOU approach ME despite my polite efforts to discourage you, that doesn’t make me a cougar, it makes you a poacher.  
  • Don't pretend we've met before. I remember who I've met, and if I don't remember there's probably a reason for it. So either way, it's a lame tactic.
  • And lastly, don't take yourself or anything else too seriously. We're all just stuck here together on the boat. Let's try to have some drinks and laughs and go home happy . . . together, or not.