Friday, 31 August 2012


Hello, nubile woman whose 
name escapes me. I would like 
to take you to my storage unit 
and show you my asana.  

Sometimes when I get lonely, which is almost never because all I do is work and go to the gym, I remind myself that it is better to be able to enjoy one's own company than to simply flop onto whoever happens to be available, no matter how deeply disturbing they may be.

These words came forcefully to mind when I heard that former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell is snogging man-whore Russell Brand. Or, as I like to call him, "Creepy Jesus." (Exhibit A: photo of Brand at left. If Jesus were a 40-year-old perv who founded his own cult and urged his followers to abduct Elizabeth Smart, I imagine he would look something, or perhaps EXACTLY, like this.) 

Creepy Jesus, a reported "former" sex addict, is recently divorced from pop star Katy Perry. After (and maybe even during) Katy, he moved briskly on to Isabella Brewster, but then, at the London Olympics, his ADHD horn-dog radar was diverted by yet another shiny object: Geri Halliwell. 

Now the British press is all a-twitter, staking out Geri's London home and getting photos of Creepy Jesus exiting at all hours of the day and night. 
At the same time, they're suggesting it's not what you're thinking ... which is sort of like the boy you have a crush on kissing you and then telling you "I just like you as a friend." IT MESSES YOU UP, MAN!

Anyway, Britain's The Sun reports the oddball couple is just "bonding over a love of yoga," noting "Geri says they have a spiritual connection" and "they practice asana together."

  Contortionist pelvic thrusts while clad in spandex?
  So nice! So wholesome! 
  Not gross or disturbing at all! 
  My skin is not crawling! 
  I believe in Xenu! 
  I will give my entire paycheque to you,  Scientology master! 

  More Kool-Aid! 

  More Kool-Aid!