Friday, 24 August 2012

BURGLAR KING: MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!!!

You know who's the man? LL Cool J is the man. Cuz when LL's home was being burgled the other night while his family slept, LL went down the damn stairs and knocked this mutha to the ground with his bare, money-making hands! Oh yes he did. 

YOU SHOULD HAVE ROBBED 
 PHIL SPECTOR'S HOUSE, FOOL!
This ass-whuppin' was brought to you courtesy 
of LL COOL J'S PLATINUM WORKOUT. 
$27.95. Available everywhere.
SBukley/Dreamstime.com



   
Then he thumped the bejeebers out of him and held the poor stupid broken-faced barstard there while his daughter called the cops. 
"Uhm, hello, police? My dad is the shit." (Well, I'm paraphrasing, but that's basically what she probably might have said. Maybe.)

The failed thief, a 56-year-old transient by the name of Jonathan "My Face Hurts" Kirby (who is thinking, "Could my transient life get any sorrier? Apparently, yes!"),  is now facing life in prison if convicted. Prosecutors have asked the judge to set his bail at $1.1 million. Which, typically, transient persons do not have.

Meanwhile, LL looks like the biggest hero in the world. A Charles Bronson for the new millenium. A Clint Eastwood for the urban population. He most assuredly will somehow turn this into a bestselling workout book (Pump Up Yo Burglar-Ass-Whippin' Muscles Tha LL Cool J Way!) and/or rap song and/or movie.
Charlie Sheen? Feh. He's not winning. LL Cool J is winning!

* What, this wasn't enough for you? Fine. Go to TMZ, they get everything first anyway. I just make it funnier, is all ... (Click here on BAM! THAT'S RIGHT, FOOL, YOU IN LL's  HOUSE NOW!)