Saturday, 8 September 2012

CITIZEN CANE AND OTHER CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS

ONE LOVE, MANY NAMES
 Snoop Dogg Lion Crouching Tiger
 is in town to promote his documentary. 
Which means Bob Marley is in town too.

carrienelson1/dreamstime  







Snoop Ring-Tailed Lemur  (oh right, right, sorry, it's Lion. Either way, it makes no damn sense) . . . So Snoop Dogg Weevil Lovebiscuit Lion was in town last night for the TIFF debut of his reggae documentary Reincarnated. And all everybody kept asking him was "What's up with the name change?"  

Which is boring and beside the point, because Snoop thoroughly explained that particular wrinkle weeks ago. It's also well covered off in his documentary, in which he explains how he went to Jamaica and suddenly realized he is Bob Marley reborn. This Road to Damascus moment further led him to realize that his incessant smack-talk about hizzoes and bizitches was completely inappropriate, and that in fact what he SHOULD have been doing all these years was smoking even larger doobies and speaking with a Jamaican accent.
So I find all this incessant yammering about name changes tedious and derivative. What I want to know, and what no one seems to be asking, is what's with that cane he was sporting? I have no knowledge of Snoop injuring himself or of canes being a "thing" with Bob Marley, so all I can do is assume that . . .
"Pssst."
Yes? Oh. Hold on a moment, I've just been handed a news bulletin. Apparently this is what's known in urban circles as a "pimp cane." It is meant to look cool and is not a real cane such as the one Christopher Walken or Bruce Willis (both of whom looked like they could have used one) might soon need.


Right. So it's a pimp cane. And not a life-sized decoy stuffed to the gizzards with ganja.
Because why would anyone do a silly thing like that (to sneak across the border and through the airport with), I ask you.

MUST YOU ALWAYS 
POSE LIKE A TRAMP? 
It's not that I'm jealous of 
Eva Mendes, but really, what 
is her problem? She can't just 
stand there and look plain?

featureflash/dreamstime
In other Friday night TIFF celebrity-spotting news:

Joaquin Phoenix appeared to be relatively sober.

Ben Affleck kissed a woman in the crowd (who went home and had her cheek bronzed and told her husband, "Suddenly, you repulse me.")

Ryan Gosling arrived on the red carpet with that boyfriend-stealing harpie Eva Mendes. She wore what the Huffington Post called "a stunning lace and sequin gown with a very on-trend updo" and blah-blah-blah-barf. Showing off, as usual. Then she posed for a photo with Ryan and Bradley Cooper, effectively making an Eva sandwich of herself, because ONE GORGEOUS MAN ISN'T ENOUGH FOR SOME GREEDY WOMEN.

The Toronto International Film Festival continues until September 16. Here's a link to the festival events, with Ryan Gosling's personal cellphone number embedded in secret code. Heheheheh ... take THAT, Mendes! Click here for TIFF tickets.