Thursday, 20 September 2012

DAVID BECKHAM IS HERE! IN THE SHINY CHROME FLESH!


"HI, I'M BECKS, AND I'M HERE TO 
DRIVE YOU MAD WITH DESIRE." 
And because you women can't be trusted 
not to tear the flesh right off my bones, 
I've had a 6.7-metre chrome impersonator
made in my likeness. Enjoy him while you can. 

carrienelson1/dreamstime.com
Some things sound, in theory, like a very good idea. Like a big, shiny, macho, 7-metre tall David Beckham statue, for example. A statue such as the one that has come to Toronto for a brief but sexy fling. ("Stay." I meant "stay." Sometimes my hormones take over and decide they're going to do the thinking. Which explains some of my mood swings and all of my ex-boyfriends.)

The gargantuan chrome-plated Becks was installed yesterday at Toronto's Eaton Centre, where he towers over the H&M store wearing nothing but skivvies. He is also extremely anatomically correct, which, when you factor in the 6.7-metre proportional equation, is really quite arresting.
So yes, obviously, so far this is sounding like a brilliant bloody idea. But whoever cooked up this publicity stunt didn't really think it through, or they'd have realized that, in actuality, lives could be at stake. 

This I know for a fact, because, well . . . first, let me say in my own defence that you couldn't really blame someone for throwing herself at such a statue and shrieking "Choose Me! CHOOSE ME!" the first time she laid eyes on it, could you? Or for almost toppling the poor shiny bugger over onto all those shoppers looking on, pretending they hadn't been about to do the very same thing. I mean, he's just so very shiny. And those skivvies! They were just asking for trouble erecting him here in those things.
Anyway, nobody was hurt, and big shiny Becks didn't actually topple over, and I subsequently made a substantial purchase of a belt and a blouse and a pair of jeans, so that should make up for any embarrassment I may have caused the staff.  

And just in case you're thinking, "My God, the woman is barking mad," here's a link to a photo of this blatant MILF bait so you can see for yourself. Click here, at Big Shiny Becks. Yeah, that's right. You'd have lunged at that like a water buffalo in high mating season, and you know it. Thank the living lord Jesus (and his previously unknown wife), it's only here until Sunday.