Wednesday, 26 September 2012

GOING UP? PLEASE READ THIS FIRST


I'M SORRY, I CAN'T LET YOU IN 
Unless you promise 
not to talk or defecate.





There are some things that are such a basic part of  daily life one would think we don’t need RULES to explain their proper usage. Sidewalks, for example. Toothbrushes, for another. 
Oh, and how about elevators? Did you just lump them in that “too basic for rules” category? If so, you are wrong. 

In fact, there's an entire website, ElevatorRules.com, devoted to grooming you bumpkins in proper elevator etiquette. In a perfect world, this website would not be necessary. However, this is not a perfect world and never will be as long as Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney and Carrot Top are in it. Which means you need to read these rules or risk  a fantastically embarrassing gaffe that could see you banned from lifts or possibly even jailed. Imagine, for example, the horror of sharing an elevator with someone who hadn’t read this crucial rule: 
"Never, under any circumstances urinate or defecate in an elevator. It presents a serious health risk to elevator riders as well as maintenance personnel." (Thank God I read that one before I left for work this morning!)

Some other rules worth committing to memory:
"Conversations in the elevator are generally discouraged." 
(That would be news to almost everyone I’ve ever shared an elevator with.)

"Do not make fun of people when they get off the elevator."
(But, but…that’s the best time to do it!)

"Riding an elevator while intoxicated should be avoided. Your impairment could present a danger to yourself and other riders. Take the stairs and use the hand rails."
(In my experience, taking the stairs when drunk has presented a far greater danger to myself than any elevator ever could. Tumbletumbletumbletumbletumblegroan.)

So now you know. If you haven’t visited this website, I encourage you to do so, especially if you ever plan on riding in an elevator with me. Here’s the link: elevatorrules.com