Wednesday, 5 September 2012

I HEREBY SWEAR TO GIVE UP LOW-FAT TOFUTTI

TECHNICALLY, YES, THAT'S A CARB . . . BUT IT'S WAFER THIN!
 If one is going to attempt the futile and swear off carbs, one should make sure to have a delicious relapse carb on hand. And some brie and red pepper jelly as well. 



Some time ago, for no particular reason other than that I tried on a bikini at the mall and was traumatized for a week afterwards, I resolved to give up carbs. I figured it'd be a piece of cake. (Mmm! Cake!) 
Except that I was wrong. Horribly wrong. Because since I imposed this fatwa on carbs, I have developed an insatiable craving for carbs. Pasta. Rice. Bread. Pancakes. Sweet potatoes. French fries. Those amazing little Ace Bakery crisps that cost twice as much as they should and yet are so addictive I sneak out of the house in the middle of the night, junkie-style, to buy them and ram them into my mouth by the fistful. 

Well I may be weak but I'm not stupid. I know exactly what is going on here. This is a classic case of the allure of the forbidden. So, oh yeah, psyche? Two can play that game. As of THIS VERY SECOND . . . wait, no need to be hasty, there's still half a bag of Rosemary Raisin Almond Crisps in the cupboard. As of the second those crisps are gone, I am imposing a new reverse-psychology fatwa. 
No more rice cakes! No more tofu! No more cottage cheese! No more non-fat soy milk! That's right, none. Verboten. Off-limits. Ix-nay on the ice cakes-ray. 
There. That should do it. . . . Any minute now, I'm going to develop an uncontrollable desire for bean curd. 

Editor's note: Non-fat soy milk? Good lord. I think I'd rather be fat.