Wednesday, 26 September 2012


How would you like it if Obama
went onstage and urged everyone to buy 
your Celtic Lesbian Folk music? 


Ah, Madonna. You've gotta love her (or she'll club you senseless with her meaty thighs). She's a shrewd businesswoman, an amazing entertainer and her entire body appears to be made of bull sinew. 
But lately, Madge has taken to some very grating affectations.
That British accent, for one.
Her habit of using her back as a billboard, for another. 

But even more annoying is her sudden urge to spout politics at every opportunity. Even when she clearly doesn't know what the bloody 'ell she's talking about.
For weeks, she's been "surprising" concert-goers by whipping off her shirt to reveal the words "Pussy Riot" on her back. Not only because she loves the word "pussy" but also because she supports those Russian chits who earned the deadly wrath of Vladimir Poutine. (Ack! Sorry, sorry, don't arrest me, Vlad, I meant Putin! I'm just kind of hungry right now, is all!)
Then on Monday, she dragged the President of the United States of America into her act. Whether he wanted her to or not.

During a concert in Washington, D.C., Madonna launched into a rousing, profanity-studded rant in which she urged the crowd to vote for Obama "g*ddamit."
"It's so amazing and incredible to think that we have an African-American in the White House ... we have a black Muslim in the White House! Now that is the SHIT!" 
Wow, right? So passionate. So inspiring. So completely inane. Because not only is Madonna NOT a politician, but more importantly, Obama is NOT a Muslim. And it doesn't particularly help his cause right now to be mistaken for one. But thank you so much, Madonna, for confusing thousands of young voters, who were all no doubt wondering, "But why isn't she singing? We came here for the singing."

And of course, I wasn't at the White House immediately thereafter, but I have taken it upon myself to visually recreate the scene nevertheless:
Oval Office. Phone rings. Barack shakes head and moans.  "Oh for heck's sake, that's HER on Line One! What am I going to say to that madwoman?"
Michelle. Steps in, flexes fabled biceps. "It's OK, babe, I got this one."
Picks up phone. "Hello, Madonna? I suppose you're calling to apologize for calling my husband a Muslim. No, it's fine, I'm sure you were just dehydrated or whatever, but just so you know, he's a Christian. ... Yes. Yes. ... No please don't, it's such a long name to write on your back; maybe you could just write "Mitt" instead? Mmhmm. Oops, that's Elton John calling on Line 2, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go. Byeeeeeee." 
Looks at Barack. "I could barely understand a word she said. She spoke in Cockney rhyming slang the whole time."  

EDITOR'S NOTE: Well there's been an update, hasn't there? Madge now tells the press she was being "ironic" when she called Obama a Muslim. And then tomorrow she'll have to tell the press she was being an idiot when she said she was being "ironic." It's a slippery slope, my friends . . .