Friday, 7 September 2012

THE GIRLS' GUIDE #3: MEET THE BOYV MAN-WHORE

*Third in a never-ending series

"WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE 21? PERFECT!"
Creepy, crepey Mel is a textbook example 
of the B.O.Y.V. man-whore. (Editor's note: 
Does anyone remember The Year of 
Living Dangerously? What the hell 
happened to THAT Mel?) 
Photo/Featureflash
Hello, ladies. (Men, I'm afraid you're not the target audience here today. In fact we're going to pillory you. Have a nice day!) So now that the boys have gone, we can talk about dating. As we do every Friday in this fun little segment I call The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing. In Part 1 and Part 2, we talked about the Cheapskate and the Man-Whore. Nettlesome creatures, both of them, but really just junior league compared to today's species: The Blood of Young Virgins Man-Whore. 

Distinctive markings: Similar to the man-whore, but older and creepily fixated on young women. They won't date you unless you're under 26. There's a disturbing inverse relationship going on here, meaning that the older they get, the younger their preferred date age gets. This helps them cling to the belief that they are not 59, not covered in liver spots and not about to have a heart attack.This species is extremely age conscious and often resorts to such desperate measures as a toupee, do-it-yourself hair dye and ill-fitting jeans. Which, alas, only makes things worse. Because nothing says "Fuck I'm old" like a saggy old-man butt in ill-fitting jeans.
Habitat: Used to be bars. That's fading since online dating came along, and man are these gents thankful because bars stay open so dang late these days. A friend and I laughed ourselves into fits one night at a restaurant while scanning the shameless blood-of-young-virgins detritus on offer at match.com on her iPhone. We laughed so hard the waiter AND a couple from another table came over to see what all the fuss was about. Then they started laughing too. That's the reaction you're really getting, old-man-whores.
Recommendation: AVOID. Or just stall. These guys know they haven't got all the time in the world so they won't hang around waiting too long.
*NEXT WEEK: The Player