Saturday, 22 September 2012

THINGS YOU MUST NEVER, EVER SAY TO A WOMAN

MEN, DO YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF SHOE?
You do? Good, because your foot is going to be spending a lot of time in your mouth 
if you don't commit this post to memory.

In this ongoing public service series, we attempt to take male sensitivity training to the next level. This is not an easy task, but nothing worthwhile is easy, so we mustn't be discouraged. In today's instalment, we review "things you must never, ever say to a woman." This lesson was prompted by an actual conversation between a male co-worker in his 30s and a female in her, ehm, more-than-30s, about a presentation to be made the next day. It was all going calmly enough until she told him who she would be referencing. And then suddenly . . .

Her: (Shrieking) "Oh my God, you just insulted me!"
Him: (Baffled) “What did I say?”
Her: “You said I’m old!”
Him: (Blushing) “No I didn’t, I said I think you should provide more information for the younger people."
Her: "Aaaagghhh!"
Him: "I mean, cuz, they won't know who you're talking about."
Her: "Aaaagghhh!"

At this point, other co-workers started chiming in.
“Dude!”
"Nice one!" 
“How could you say that?”

Him: "What? I just meant for the people who weren’t born yet."
Me: (Hissing) "Are you trying to get yourself killed?"
Him: "But, the generational difference . . . "
Everyone else: “Jeez Louise. Get him out of here before he gets castrated.”

OK, guys, here's the deal. Any time, ANY TIME, you think there is a legitimate point to be made about a woman's age, three hundred brazillion red flags should go up. A deafening alarm should go off in your head. And a jagged metal trap should (figuratively speaking of course, no need to get violent here) clamp down on your jaw and prevent you from uttering a single goddam word. This is just the way it is, and the sooner you learn to roll with it, the better.
Some other deadly topics you should avoid:

Visible weight gain. Do not comment.
Visible fatigue. Do not comment. Tell a woman she looks tired and this is what she hears: "HAG! HAG! HAG!"
Suspected pregnancy. Do not ask. (The only time it is safe to ask a woman if she is pregnant is if she's lying on the floor screaming and you can see the baby's head. In all other cases, she may just be getting fat.)
Suspected cosmetic procedures. Do not ask. Just tell her she looks great and everyone gets out alive.

And that's it. That's all there is to this lesson. It's that simple. So go in peace, my male friends . . .  and in silence. It's safer that way.