Wednesday, 26 September 2012

ARNOLD BARES HIS 'ROID-ADDLED SOUL (FOR $36.99)


WHAT'S THAT? YOU WANT TO KNOW  
WHY I CHEATED ON MY WIFE?
Well, I'd like to say "I don't recall," but that's 
a problem when your book is called Total Recall. 
So I'll give you the next best thing: 
the truth, only ... less truthful.

SBukley/Dreamstime.com

  
 
And now from our "What Years of Steroid Abuse Will Do to You" files, we have some titillating tidbits from Arnold Schwarzenegger's new autobiography, Total Recall. Arnold wants to come clean, as it were, to help us understand "the real reasons" he cheated on Maria Shriver and fathered a child with their housekeeper, Guatemalan trollop Mildred Baena.
To which I say: Nyeah, that's nice. But let's face it, there's only one "real reason" for cheating: "Because I felt like it." 

See, what pisses me off about this "confessional" is that this is yet another high-powered, Clinton-esque creep who really only feels bad because he got caught. And who now stands to make millions by putting it all in a fucking book about how he got caught.
But since the man had a paid assistant go to the trouble of writing a 624-page tome, let's just indulge him, shall we? 

Q: So Arnie, what is the "real reason" you cheated?
A: Maria was away with the kids and I was "stuck at home" in our lonely mansion, filming Batman and Robin. (And also, I I felt like it.)

Q: Rrright. But why did you allow the maid-whore to stay in your home with the child you had fathered, under the same roof as your wife and your four children?
A: Well, it sounds silly now, but "I had convinced myself" that I wasn't the kid's father.

Q: But that could only be true if you DIDN'T have sex with his mother.
A: Well I ... that question confuses me. Was that even a question?

Q: Yes, the question is, did you or did you not have sex with that woman?
A: Oh. Yes. In the guest house. While Maria was away.

Q: (Pause, barfing noises, blechblechblechhh.) Ahem. And how did you explain this to your wife when she confronted you?
A: Well, what I did was, I lied.

Q: Pardon?
A: I lied. Fibbed. Made up "lame excuses," hoping she would be thrown off the scent. But the scent of asshole is pretty strong, so she stuck to it and eventually I realized I had to 'fess up.

Q: Wow. She must have been devastated. Did you attempt to comfort her?
A: Of course! I told her she still "turns me on." Because even though I had ruined her life, it's still kinda gotta be about me, right?

Q: Right. Well, I've heard enough. I completely commiserate with you and have concluded that you are a creep.
A: THE HELL? 

Q: A creep. C.R.E.E.P. 
A: C.R.E... Hmm. I will have to ask my assistant to explain that to me. But you're still going to buy the book, yes?

Q: Oh absolutely. Right after I marry Ryan Gosling and win the Powerball lottery and become Queen of Esplendidia.
A: Excellent! Total Recall, Simon & Schuster, $36.99. Available everywhere. Maybe even Guatemala.