Thursday, 27 September 2012


One minute I was fine, the next minute 
I was coughing so bad I could 
hardly finish my smokes!

In today's dubious-afflictions news, we have Lindsay Lohan being hospitalized in New York City. For, uhm, well let's call it "asthma." Cuz that's what she's calling it and I'm sure it couldn't possibly be anything else, what with the monk-like lifestyle she leads.

There was some confusion in the aftermath of Lindsay's brief hospital stay when her mom told reporters that "high pollen counts" were to blame. She'd been terrorized by pollen all week, poor thing, and eventually had to check herself into the hospital JUST TO GET AWAY from all the goddam flowers that were trying to kill her!

Then Lindsay's "pals" tattled to TMZ that, no, it wasn't asthma, it was walking pneumonia. (Hmm. Well as long as it's not driving pneumonia, I suppose that's all right.)  TMZ also gratuitously tosses in the fact that Lilo racked up a $686 cigarette bill at a hotel in August, but that's just a mean-spirited red herring because cigarettes have never been linked to any kind of respiratory ailments whatsoever.

Lindsay is now resting at home in the care of her mom, who will no doubt exercise the same exemplary parenting skills that made Lilo the fine young woman she is today. Expect the days ahead to be filled with healthful, recuperative activities such as doing Mother-and-Daughter vicodin shots, playing Spin the Grey Goose Bottle and chain-smoking.