WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S LILO

"IT WAS, LIKE, THE WEIRDEST THING!"
One minute I was fine, the next minute I was 
coughing so bad I could hardly finish my smokes!
 SBukley/Dreamstime.com

In today's dubious-afflictions news, we have Lindsay Lohan being hospitalized in New York City. For, uhm, well let's call it "asthma." Cuz that's what she's calling it and I'm sure it couldn't possibly be anything else, what with the monk-like lifestyle she leads.
There was some confusion in the aftermath of Lindsay's brief hospital stay when her mad-as-a-hatter mom Dina told reporters that "high pollen counts" were to blame. She'd been terrorized by pollen all week, the poor thing, and eventually she had to check herself into the hospital JUST TO GET AWAY from all the damn flowers that were trying to kill her!

Then Lindsay's own "pals" tattled to TMZ that, no, it wasn't asthma, it was "walking pneumonia." (Hmm. Well as long as it's not "driving pneumonia," I suppose that's all right.) And that, combined with the stress of being arrested for allegedly driving into a pedestrian days earlier, exacerbated her walking asthmapollonia to the point that she had to be rushed to Mount Sinai. (TMZ also gratuitously tosses in the fact that Lilo racked up a $686 cigarette bill at Chateau Marmont hotel in August, but I would say that's just a mean-spirited red herring, since cigarettes have never been linked to any kind of respiratory ailments whatsoever.)
Thankfully, Lindsay is now resting at home in the care of her mom, who will no doubt exercise the same exemplary parenting skills that made Lilo the fine young woman she is today. Expect the days ahead to be filled with healthful, recuperative activities such as doing Mother-and-Daughter vodka shots, playing Spin the Pill Bottle, and chain-smoking.