Thursday, 11 October 2012

HEY, KID, I'LL GIVE YOU 500 BUCKS TO MOW THIS LAWN!

THE MORTAL SHAME: My poor, butchered lawn by morning light. Observe the bald patches, the long swaths of grass that got missed, the entire south end of the lawn that didn't get mowed at all (because the *x*$#@7&x*  lawn mower clogged). Haaaate landscaping!


I finally mowed my lawn today. I simply couldn't ignore it any longer. Honestly, it was like a pasture back there. I mean, the grass had sprouted tassels. It waved in the breeze like a wheat field. The other day three Holsteins wandered in and started grazing and when the farmer came to retrieve them he looked around and said, "Geez, lady, can ya blame them?" 
Yeah, I'm exaggerating a bit for effect ... there were no tassels. But the point is, I so hate mowing that damn tiny yard of mine that I let it go too long. I tried to bribe some neighbourhood brats, but what's with kids these days? Who turns down $25 to mow a teeny tiny lawn?
So I finally borrowed a neighbour's gas mower and went at it. 

True to my established lawn-care form, I waited till dusk ... why start doing things right this late in the game? ... and didn't even make it to the end of the first row before it bogged out. The sheer volume of cut grass coming at it choked it dead. 

IF AT FIRST YOU 
DON'T SUCCEED: QUIT! 
Actually, no. I tried again and learned 
that, hey, when you mow your lawn
 in daylight it turns out better! 






For a long moment, I stared at it stupidly. "What? You're a LAWN MOWER! You should be able to take this shit!" But of course that got me nowhere and the light was fading fast, so I wheeled out my old push mower. It needs oil and it shrieked like a small vicious rodent the entire time, but I was determined now. I hacked and I sawed, I whirled and spun in all directions, chopping and butchering and gasping as sheaths of cut grass flew up all around me. 

It was pretty much dark now so I was doing it by sheer intuition, feeling my way around the yard, bat-like. At some point I must have come to my senses because the next thing I remember, I was sitting at my kitchen table, moaning, "What have I done?" I knew that when morning came, I was going to have to face the murdered greenscape formerly known as my backyard. 

To make a long story short, morning came. And it was bad. There were bald spots, there were tufts of 8-inch grass, there were uprooted chunks of sod. I'm sure my neighbours looked out while enjoying their morning coffee and muttered, "Well that settles it. She is completely bat-shit crazy."
And I could NOT go out like that. 

So I sparked up the gas mower one more time and evened things out a bit. 
Then I raked and raked and raked until I was soaked with sweat, then I heaved the mounds of cut grass over the fence for the deer to enjoy. 
And then I went inside and poured a stiff drink and thanked the very heavens that it is mid-October. Which means I will not have to endure this gruesome ritual again until spring. Or until I sell the house. Or until I find some teen who realizes that the desperate lady in Number 5 will actually pay FIFTY DOLLARS if it means she doesn't have to go through that again.