A tractor-trailer carrying pizza broke down right in front of my house this afternoon. Which, naturally, I took as a direct sign from God that I was meant to get free pizza today. So I went out to check up on the
Me: Hello my good man, I see you've broken down.
Me: Can I help you?
Him: Sure. Can I use your phone?
Me: No, I meant, can I help you by taking some of that pizza?
Him: No, you can help me by letting me use your phone.
Me: How 'bout I help you by taking a photo of your broken-down truck?
Him: How 'bout you help me by letting me use your phone?
Me: How 'bout I help you by writing a blog about your broken-down truck and how you gave me some free pizza?
Him: Lady, I can't give you any pizza. It's company property.
Me: Well how would they know unless you told them?
Him: It's not even that good. It's frozen, factory-made pizza.
Me: I LOVE frozen, factory-made pizza!
Him: Just let me use your . . .
Me: It'd be our little secret!
Him: Look, lady, you're not getting any goddam pizza!
Me: You sure about that? Cuz I've got this android phone ... see? right here! ... that I could let you use. IF you play nice.
Him: What are you, nuts?
Me: So, no pizza?
Him: No pizza. Either let me use your phone or get away from me, you weirdo.
Me: *shrugs* You're on your own, bud.
And here's how the conversation really went:
Me: You okay over there?
Him: Yeah, just a little engine trouble. Help is on the way.
Me: *sighs* Okay. Bye.