Tuesday, 16 October 2012


A tractor-trailer carrying pizza broke down right in front of my house this afternoon. Which, naturally, I took as a direct sign from God that I was meant to get free pizza today. So I went out to check up on the pizza driver, and here's how the conversation went:

Me: Hello my good man, I see you've broken down.
Him: Yes.

Me: Can I help you?
Him: Sure. Can I use your phone?

Me: No, I meant, can I help you by taking some of that pizza?
Him: No, you can help me by letting me use your phone.

Me: How 'bout I help you by taking a photo of your broken-down truck?
Him: How 'bout you help me by letting me use your phone?

Me: How 'bout I help you by writing a blog about your broken-down truck and how you gave me some free pizza? 
Him: Lady, I can't give you any pizza. It's company property.

Me: Well how would they know unless you told them?
Him: It's not even that good. It's frozen, factory-made pizza.

Me: I LOVE frozen, factory-made pizza! 
Him: Just let me use your . . .

Me: It'd be our little secret!  
Him: Look, lady, you're not getting any goddam pizza!

Me: You sure about that? Cuz I've got this android phone ... see? right here! ... that I could let you use. IF you play nice.
Him: What are you, nuts? 

Me: So, no pizza?
Him: No pizza. Either let me use your phone or get away from me, you weirdo. 

Me: *shrugs* You're on your own, bud.

And here's how the conversation really went:

Me: You okay over there?
Him: Yeah, just a little engine trouble. Help is on the way.
Me: *sighs* Okay. Bye.