|SAINT JESSICA IN TYPICAL MARTYR'S GARB|
New mom Simpson graces the cover of the latest issue of Us Weekly, in which she candidly shares her story of the 70 pounds she packed on during her pregnancy and her heart-wrenching battle to unpack it afterwards.
Jessica opens up about how painful the ordeal was, about how Weight Watchers came to the rescue riding a slim white horse and clutching a $4 million endorsement offer, and how her friends have supported her in her “struggle.”
Friends like her personal trainer Harley Pasternak, who intones, and I quote: “There was one time she stubbed her toe and had to miss an appointment to go to the doctor. So she booked an extra one that week to make up for it and even came in flip-flops because her toe was too sore to put on shoes.”
And as the violins rise to a crescendo, Weight Watchers head Liz Josefsberg takes her cue and assumes the position: hands clasped, eyes raised heavenward.
"She is very brave to do this in a healthy, more realistic way," Josefsberg says.
Brave? Yes, that’s exactly the right word for this, isn't it? Perhaps even a little understated. I mean, hold the phone, we are talking losing weight after giving birth with nothing but 4 million dollars, a personal trainer and the adoration of the entire U.S. of A. to urge her on. This isn’t just brave, it’s beatified. It’s a miracle. It’s …
“Hello, Vatican? It’s me, Saint Jessica of the Blessed Fat Melt.”
"OHMIGOD! Everybody! Down rosaries! It's Saint Jessica!"
Give me a frigging break.
Editor’s note: I can’t help noticing you sound somewhat bitter.
My note: Hello! I gained 65 pounds in my third pregnancy! Did anyone offer me $4M? Just a little acknowledgement, man, that’s all I’m askin' here.
Editor’s note: Do you have gargantuan boobs that you are willing to flaunt ad nauseam?
My note: Uh, not gargantuan, exactly.
Editor’s note: Well tough luck, sistah.