Wednesday, 17 October 2012

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO LONGS TO KICK THIS WOMAN?

'OY VEY! I KNOW I'M BEING SHMALTZY  
BUT I JUST CAN'T HELP IT!'
Because this wonderful guy, this total mensch, 
has proposed! I am no longer a shlimazel! And  
I don't know why I'm suddenly speaking Yiddish 
but I do know that I am finally SHIDDUCH!

Photo: CreStock

 
There's always been a certain something about Jennifer Aniston I couldn't quite put my finger on. Every now and then, when she wasn't boring me into a coma by playing the same role over and over again in boring movies, I would try to figure it out. And last night, I finally did it. And it turns out I've been overthinking it, because it's really very simple: She's annoying.

I mean, there she was on Chelsea Lately last night, with her swishy hair and her tan and her button-nose that she SIMPLY CANNOT stop wrinkling in a way that was probably cute when she was 7, wearing a top that, oops, she didn't even realize was TOTALLY SHOWING HER NIPPLES!!! and talking about boring stuff that's so boring I can't even remember what it was.

And then Chelsea asks her about the guy who finally proposed. Because God knows JenJen has been husband-hunting since forever, certainly since Brad left her for Angie and then crowed about how boring being married to her was. (Which, even by my standards, was cruel.) But it didn't happen with Vince Vaughn. Or Paul Sculfor, or John Mayer, or Gerard Butler, until finally the whole world was like, "Oh, lord, please, will someone just marry this poor lonely woman and give her womb something to do?"

And then at last, Justin Theroux stepped up and put a ring on it. Fine, great, wonderful; now Jen can relax and we can all get on with our lives, right? But what does Jen do when Chelsea asks her about the blessed event? She can't just giggle and say, "Yes, I'm engaged," like a normal 43-year-old would. No, she chokes up and starts waving her hands and involuntarily speaking Yiddish.
"I just got verklempt!" she gasps, tears welling in her eyes while the audience (well, me, anyway) looks on in horror.
Geez Louise. It's no wonder this woman has a hard time getting guys to commit. I mean, come on, Jen. Nobody likes an overly grateful crier.

Editor's note: "Verklempt: To be overcome with emotion." Gross! This makes me very happy I never proposed to anyone.
My note: You're not the only one who's happy about that.
Editor's note: Whatever, Miss Thrice-divorced. 
My note: Heheheh. We'll continue this little chat offline. Right after I fire you . . .