Wednesday, 3 October 2012

SOME AMAZING THINGS THAT DID NOT HAPPEN

AY, DIOS MIO! DON'T WORRY, CHICOS!
 These are NOT going to be getting 
any smaller and 
I am NOT going to start dressing modestly! 
CreStock Photo

There's a weird new trend developing in Hollywood gossip journalism: reporting things that DIDN'T happen. 
Last week, for example, Jay-Z and Beyonce made the following headline in magazines everywhere: "Beyonce NOT pregnant, Jay-Z says" (eonline). Good to know, Jay. And while we're denying, can you also tell me which foods Beyonce doesn't like and list the top ten cities you don't live in? 

Then today, Paris Hilton ... what's that? You don't remember Paris Hilton? Blond hotel heiress? Sex tape? No? She was a big deal a few years ago before she was upstaged by her equally talentless (but curvier) bestie Kim Kardashian . . . anyway, she managed to score a headline this week with this big news: "Paris Hilton Swears She Didn't Kiss a Girl and Her Boyfriend Didn't Punch Anyone" (perezhilton.com). Well that's a relief! And since someone has finally noticed you again, Paris, can you also tell us what movies you're not working on and which books you haven't read? 

In other hot un-news:

Kim Kardashian is NOT getting a Walk of Fame star (thank you, Jesus);  radaronline.

Tom Cruise is NOT dating Cameron Diaz (at least not until Xenu tells him to); usmagazine.

Sofia Vergara is NOT getting a breast reduction (actually that one isn't funny, it's very serious. And I predict it will become the most Googled headline ever); nydailynews.