Thursday, 4 October 2012


STACY: (Does he love me? 
Is he going to dump me? 
Does he love me?) 

GEORGE: (I'm bored. 
She makes me look short. 
I wonder what the weather 
is like in Darfur right now.)

Photo: Carrienelson1/Dreamstime 

Stacy Keibler, the poor man's Heidi Klum, is apparently worried sick that George Clooney is getting ready to dump her. And I don't know why she'd be worried about that. It's not like he has a history of dating beautiful, much younger women for a short period of time and then . . .  oooh. Wait. Yeah, maybe she should be a little worried.

Sources (i.e. Stacy's so-called friends) are telling reporters the two are spending "less and less time together" and that George is being "really distant." What's more, they say, Stacy "wakes up every morning and doesn't know what's going to happen." 
Well, Stacy, it's not that hard to figure out. There are only two options, really: he's going to dump you now or he's going to dump you later. That's how this Clooney thing always ends. 

Alas, I'm afraid we can't muster much sympathy for you, because you're young and beautiful and you have legs up to your armpits. Also, there's Supermarket Superstars, that fantastic new television gig you just scored, no doubt thanks to the pull George exercised on your behalf. 

For those of you who haven't heard of this soon-to-be-cancelled new show, here's the premise: a group of nobodies lines up every week to try to convince a panel of experts to stock their product in a national grocery store chain. (Woo-hooo, that is HOT! I need a cigarette! Was it good for you too?)

Dear lord in heaven, Stacy. One whole year of giving your body to George and that's the best he could do for you? You might as well have been sleeping with Danny de Vito! Oh well, on the plus side, there's . . .  uhm . . . Dammit, can somebody help me here?

EDITOR'S NOTE: Nope, sorry, I can't think of a plus side either. But hey, just for fun, let's look at some of the other women George has bedded and then dumped over the years.

Talia Balsam
Carole Radziwill 
Elizabeth Daily
Karen Duffy
Renee Zellweger 
Krista Allen 
Kelly Preston
Jennifer Siebel
Kimberly Russell
Julia Roberts

Lucy Liu
Charlize Theron
Teri Hatcher
Celine Balitran 
Lisa Snowdon 
Sarah Larson 
Elisabetta Canalis 

Whew. I don't know how the old boy does it. I'm winded just reciting all of their names . . .