TODAY'S NEWS: SILLY, WITH A SIDE OF LAWSUIT

THE COVER THAT HELPED 
LAUNCH A $50M LAWSUIT

It's almost Friday. Which is not quite as good as Friday, but it's close. So in honour of this closeness, I bring you a bunch of things that were almost true and worthy, but not quite.

FOR STARTERS: The Donald. You will remember (unless you deliberately blocked it out to protect your inner child) that he insisted he had "BIG" news, really BIG news, a BIG bloody Obama H-bomb that he would drop on Wednesday? Well I almost forgot to follow it up, but in the end I did and WHOA!!! Not that big at all. Turns out The Donald's election-altering shocker was the offer of a big $5 million charitable donation if Barack Obama would release his college and passport files.
Um, Donald? You don't get points for offering. Nor do you get points for red herrings. Nobody gives a rat's ass about Obama's passport documents at this juncture. They're far more worried about the economy, Iran and the possibility that the superpower that is the U.S. of A. could fall into the hands of one Mitt frigging Romney. So stop it already.

AND THEN: Ann Coulter. Just as insidiously trying to insert herself into the presidential race by flinging the "R" word about like a big naked body. "Look at me! I say shocking, inappropriate things! Look over here! I called the president a 'RETARD!' Are you shocked? No? Well how about if I say 'Child Molesting Retard?' Still no? (*pauses to recoup, think of a group she hasn't offended yet*) Well how about LESBIAN GIRL GUIDE LITTLE PEOPLE CHILD MOLESTING RETARD plus I flash my breasts?!?" Yeah, still no. Please go away, Ann Coulter. There are far more dire matters at hand.

AND FINALLY: Tom Cruise, whom I usually enjoy mocking, has fired back at two supermarket tabloids for alleging he turned his back on Suri after his divorce from Katie Holmes.  
He has filed a $50 million defamation lawsuit against Life & Style for its July 30 headline "SURI IN TEARS, ABANDONED BY HER DAD," and against In Touch for its "ABANDONED BY DADDY" headline. I actually bought that mag (for the Stars Without Makeup pics; I don't know what is wrong with me but I can't get enough of those) and was rattled by its nastiness. No gossip columnist wants to come out swingin' for Tom, but even I can see he dotes on that child.