Thursday, 1 November 2012

DON'T TASE ME, BRO! ACTUALLY, YEAH. TASE ME!

HEY, SORRY ABOUT THAT TASER THING, BUDDY! 
That's how we roll here in Beverly Hills. Just be glad 
you didn't accidentally stray into LL Cool J's yard!

Alexandra Glen / Featureflash




Sooo unfair. How do talentless females get their lucky break in Hollywood? By doing for free what prostitutes have the sense to charge for: they make a sex tape.
How do talentless males get their lucky break in Hollywood? By getting drunk as a lemur, straying into Tom Cruise's backyard and getting the bejeebers tased out of them by police.

True, it stings a bit, it befuddles you for a spell, but it's not like thinking was your strong suit anyway. And in the end it will pay off because suddenly you will be FAMOUS! You'll be inundated with media offers. You'll be smiling and posing on every  gossip website in Amurrica like the delicious man-candy you always knew you were.

Yes, you'll have Taser burns the size of skid-marks on your back, but scars are sexy. And why did you leave your home in Australia anyway if not to have your tepid male-model fame goosed into mega-watt, American-style stardom? It'll be just like you'd always dreamed. (Except in your dream, there were no cops and no stun guns. But still ... totally worth it!)   

Editor's note: All characters and events in this post – even those based on real people and events – are entirely fictitious. It is pure coincidence that this is exactly what happened to Australian model/party boy Jason Sullivan on Sunday. Just as it is pure coincidence that he staggered onto Tom Cruise's lawn a nobody and staggered off a celebrity. Google "Jason Sullivan" and watch what pops up. For that kind of instant notoriety, I'd get liquored up and tased too. Alas, the only celebrity within crawling distance of my home is Ruby Dhalla. And I wouldn't trust that one to know when to STOP with a Taser...