EMMA STONE ACCIDENTALLY MAYBE MADE A SEX TAPE

"C'MON, PEOPLE! DO I LOOK LIKE THE TYPE 
OF GIRL WHO WOULD MAKE A SEX TAPE?"
(Well now that you mention it, yes.)
Photo/CreStock

You know how sometimes you're not even hungry and then someone says, "Mmm, cheesecake!" and suddenly, you can't stop thinking about cheesecake?

That's sort of what's going on with Emma Stone and the sex tape nobody would ever have associated her with ... until someone "mysteriously" started blabbering about it. (Pssst, nicely done, paid squealer! Your cheque is in the mail. It won't be as LARGE *snicker* as the one you got from Hulk Hogan or Kim K, but hey, they add up.)  

But back to the story. The story that is suddenly everywhere:
"Emma Stone has a sex tape!" 
"Emma Stone, sex tape?" 
"Emma Stone sex tape could be released!" 

The comedic starlet is so not known for sexiness that an "insider" *snicker* had to strenuously insist to news outlets that this tape does in fact exist.

"Emma Stone has a sex tape and that's a fact," the insider  tells Radaronline, adding, "There is no way she would organize the release of the tape, in fact she would fight to stop it because that adds cachet. She has no respect for women like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton." (And yet. And yet she made the damn thing.) 

This insider also notes Emma made the video "long before she became a household name and probably thought nothing would come of it." Of course! Just as any normal kid would. Just as I used to collect stamps and thought that nothing would come of it. Because it was stamp collecting, and not VIDEOTAPING YOURSELF HAVING SEX! Sheesh. Is everyone in Hollywood completely bonkers?

Editor's note: Yes. And if you ask me, this whole thing is just a big tease: Is there a sex tape or isn't there? You’ve got to go hunting for it and even if you find it, it’s probably boring and clumsy and the lighting sucks. For those of you looking for surefire titillation, I recommend porn.
My note: Please tell me you washed your hands before coming to work today.