Wednesday, 14 November 2012

I LOVE YOUR DRESS! PLEASE NEVER WEAR IT AGAIN

I DON'T KNOW WHO KSTEW'S FASHION PEOPLE ARE, BUT ...
They should all be fired. Here she is, left, in yet another ugly frock that can't decide whether 
it wants to be a tablecloth or a shroud. Oh, and that's her married ex-lover, Rupert Sanders, 
far right, grinning like a hyena. Or rather, like a cheetah . . .
 Steve Vas/Featureflash

Kristen Stewart has been making a dogged effort to convince people she isn't some tarty little skank who can't be trusted with her own virtue, let alone Robert Pattinson's heart. And I want to believe her. But there's the little problem of what I am seeing with my own eyes. 

After the shocking exposure of her affair with married director Rupert Sanders, who is old enough to be her father and ugly enough to be her pet goat, a humiliated Kristen went into hairshirt mode. She moped, she wore baggy tees and jeans, she wouldn't look at the camera for any photo, ever. 
And then RPat finally agreed to take her back so they could promote their movie, and suddenly, BAM, KStew goes all Rihanna on us.

I refer to the racy outfit she wore Monday to the world premiere of Breaking Dawn, Part 2. You can clap your eyes on it right here. I'm sure the poor strumpet thought it was sexy because it showed a lot of skin, but it was about as sexy as porridge. It was what you might call a "statement" dress, and here were some of its statements: 
  • Beige is the colour God invented to punish vain women
  • Granny panties are not an accessory worthy of being flashed
  • A woman's nether regions are not sexy if the woman flashing them looks about 12 and walks like a boy. In that case, you're far better off to just put on a chic but modest black gown and let people imagine. 
  • But most of all, what that dress says to me is this: "I want you guys to believe I won't cheat again, but hey world, hey everybody, even you, Rupert Sanders: LOOK AT MY PINK BACKSIDE!" 
Editor's note: Yes, nothing says "repentant" like a see-through dress that shows your butt cheeks. The girl might as well have shown up in a pair of ass chaps.