MAY I OFFER YOU A TINY SLIVER OF LOW-FAT CAKE?

WHEN THEY WERE ALL ONE BIG, 
WEIRDLY HAPPY FAMILY
In hindsight, it should have been obvious this was 
never going to work. The clues were everywhere:
 Ashton's embarrassing bumpkin guffaws, the wretched
clothing choices, and Bruce Willis's ever-present 
disembodied head. Even his kid is spooked by it ...
Photo/CreStock

Demi Moore turns the big 5-0 today. And because hitting that half-century mark is about as terrific as walking face first into a barbed-wire fence, I'd like to cheer her up by wishing her a happy birthday. 

Demi's had a rough year, what with the humiliation of Ashton Kutcher's infidelity, the break-up and her subsequent nose-dive into a can of Reddi Whip. Then she got hit with a case of viral anorexia and even whipped cream was off her "permissible foods" list.
 
The good news is that she has been receiving rejuvenating treatments at the photoshop, and they're really paying off. Yes, this may be what Demi actually looks like these days, but guess what? The world doesn't have to know about that. Because she can simply have any and every photo of herself tweaked to look like this. And I have to be honest, I don't think I'd recognize either of those Demis if I tripped over them in the nitrous oxide aisle. 

Well this has all kind of slipped away on me here, but I think what I'm trying to say is, er, happy 50th, Demi!

Editor's note: This may be the clumsiest birthday greeting I have ever heard. You might as well have told her to bend over and prepare to receive the birthday fist.
My note: Well that would just be mean.