PETA ISSUES CONFUSING PLEA; TURKEYS LOUDLY OBJECT

"SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT . . . 
YOU WANT ME TO DAMN THE TURKEYS?"
Bloody vegans, they're so difficult. 
Can't we all just get along and have dinner?
Photo/CreStock 



 

Is it just me or is PETA one confusing group of angry animal-lovers? On the eve of American Thanksgiving, the group came out swinging against the U.S. holiday practice of pardoning turkeys.

In a bizarre gesture, PETA chairman Ingrid Newark released a video address to President Barack Obama, saying the pardon "makes light of the mass slaughter of some 46 million gentle, intelligent delicious birds."

"Turkeys do not need to be pardoned as they are not guilty of anything except being delicious born into a world of prejudice," Newark said. "They are innocents who should be respected for who they are: good mothers, smart birds and interesting juicy, delicious animals."

And as the organic, fair-trade drugs began to kick in, his rambling grew still more free-ranging. "You understand so well that African-Americans, women and members of the LGBT community have been poorly served throughout history, and now I am asking you to consider other living beings who are ridiculed, belittled and treated as if their ... feelings count for nothing."

At which point, I assume, the President shut the tape off and turned to stare at his wife.
Barack: "Did I hear that last bit right?"
Michelle: "Yup. He just compared turkeys to minorities."
Barack: "Wow. Next thing you know he'll be asking me to let turkeys vote."
Michelle: "That would be a disaster. You just KNOW they'd vote for Romney..."
Barack: *pauses, inhales deeply* "Man, that bird smells good . . ."

Editor's note: Speaking as a vegan, I don't think the pardon goes far enough. I would urge the President to not only pardon turkeys, but also to pardon vegetables. Stop the senseless slaughter of LGBT onions, parsnips and yams who give their lives each year just to make our Thanksgiving more delicious. TOFURKEY! TOFURKEY! TOFURKEY!