Friday, 30 November 2012

SAD DIET STORIES THAT MIGHT MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT!

Home-made, chocolate-glazed doughnuts. This is the kind of thing my skinny co-workers bring to the office to share. HOW MEAN IS THAT?

And now, just because I am feeling fat today and I see no reason why I should have to endure this alone, I will share some observances I have made about the futility of diets. There is no order to this, no structure, and certainly no point. Just a general passing-on of the self-loathing. Have a nice day! 

Overheard in grocery lineup at a Metro in Brampton: 
Daughter: "Mom, why are you getting so many boxes of cookies? You're always complaining that you're fat!"
Mom: "Oh, tell the whole world why doncha! Anyway everybody puts on extra fat in the winter. It's a hibernation instinct."
Daughter: "I don't put on extra fat."
Mom: *Indecipherable muttering under breath, hand reaching for child's ear as child simultaneously ducks out of the way, suggesting this is a familiar tactic on Mom's part.*
Mom catches me snooping and smiles thinly. "Kids!"
Me: "Heheheheh. Yeah. I hate them."

Co-worker, a serious foodie, has booked an eating tour of Spain. He announces that he is now officially on a diet because he wants to shed a few pounds before leaving. "Prepare," as he calls it. 
Half an hour later, I hear a suspicious plastic-bag-crinkling sound followed by crunching.
"Dude," I say without even turning around, "I don't know what you're eating but anything that makes those sounds is not diet food."
Crinkling stops cold.

Another co-worker (yes, I know, I'll be lucky if I can get any of them to talk to me after this one), a striking young woman who has NOTHING to worry about in the looks department but of course worries anyway ... because she's a woman ... tells us she has rejoined Weight Watchers.
"They told me I can eat all the fruit I want!" she says.
Then she sets out a box of crispy, buttery Milk Bar cookies as big as dinner plates. And has one. I admire her joie de vivre, but in my head I'm thinkin', "Girlfriend, unless that cookie grew on a tree, it ain't fruit!"

Friend: I'm on the Paleo diet!
Me: You look great.
Friend: I lost seven pounds. You should try it.
Me: (*Is she saying I'm fat?*) Maybe later. Right now I need to eat some of those goddam dinner-plate-sized cookies my co-worker brought in BECAUSE SHE HATES US!!!

Editor's note: So, I'm confused. Are you dieting? Or not dieting?
My note: Both! Neither! Don't you get it? Aaaarrrrgggh!