SOME PEOPLE I NEVER, EVER WANT TO SEE IN A BIKINI

BIKINI-WEARING STATUS: APPROVED  
Gisele Bundchen, seen here before (and this is crucial)
she was nine months pregnant and looking like a 
seedpod that was about to burst. This Gisele? 
Sure, this Gisele can wear a bikini. 
Photo: CreStock

I'm a little short on time and patience today, having spent a feverish day at work yesterday, so I'll cut right to the chase. Bikinis ... They're for attractive people. 

I am terribly sorry about the intrinsic unfairness of that fact, but if you have cottage-cheese thighs, if you are pregnant, if you are recovering from a nasty bout of pernicious anorexia or if you are Lady Gaga, please note: Bikinis are not your friend or ours. You need to wear a one-piece. Some people call them maillots. Which sounds sexier, if that helps.

Despite the fact that I am being unusually blunt, I realize that some of you still won't "get it," so I'm including some powerful visuals to hammer my point home. Please follow the links so you can see for yourself how JUST PLAIN WRONG it is to stuff 180 pounds of naughty bits into swimwear meant for 120-pounders.

RUMER WILLIS: There is some kind of mean-spirited gene genie at work in Hollywood, cruelly ensuring that children take after their less-attractive parent. Which is why Rumer Willis looks so creepily like Bruce Willis in an ugly granny-bottom bathing suit. Please. Stop. Click on Rumer bikini.

DEMI MOORE: No more bikinis for this former extreme hottie. At least not until she puts some meat back on those bones. Where's me arse? 

COCO: Way too much of everything. And that G-string? No one's ever gonna get that thing out of there. It's gone forever. Cocoloco

GISELE: Yes, I'm talking about the crazy-hot Brazilian supermodel. This is just a temporary pregnancy-bikini fatwa, because this pic of her looking like a tumour-infested praying mantis, all stick legs and stick arms and a big bloated breadbasket, creeped me right the hell out. Pregnicky-icky-icky

LADY GAGA: Make up your mind, Googoo, are you trying to be a sexpot or a gangster? My eyes are so confused! Lady Gag Gag

KELLY OSBOURNE: Yes, no, what the ... what? Sorry, I'm trying, but I'm just seeing Ozzie Osbourne. 30 years ago. In a bikini. Ozzeeee!

KEITH URBAN: In a man-kini. OK, that does it. Uncle. Uncle! UNCLE!!!!  Borat-esque