THE BITCH'S GUIDE TO MARRYING A BILLIONAIRE

"OH, HOW I LONG TO KICK THE SH*T 
OUT OF SOMEONE! ANYONE!"
Naomi Campbell is determined to bag her a billionaire. 
To do that, she'll have to keep a lid on her legendary temper
and try very hard not to bash the bejeebers out of anyone.
 But hey, if she can survive bulimia, she can survive this. 

Photo: CreStock

I'm back, having paused to observe the blessed Sabbath (from a distance, of course; I haven't darkened the doors of a church for quite some time now. I tried to darken them a few months ago but one of the ushers recognized me from the Forbidden Infidels poster and shooed me away. Way to hold a grudge, buddy. That heckling incident was YEARS ago!). 

Anyway, my point is I read some news Sunday that could be interpreted as a minor miracle. I refer to the one and only Naomi Campbell. Many of us know her as that spoiled supermodel who thinks her exotic beauty entitles her to snort coke till she goes fit-throwing mad and beats the crap out of her personal assistants. 
Which, of course, she is. 
Or rather was.

According to Britain's Mail Online, Naomi has settled down and "put her cocaine, phone-flinging days well behind her." What brought about this remarkable transformation? Well, she discovered Kabbalah and healthy eating. Oh, and also, she's trying to bag a billionaire husband. Naomi is dating Russian moneybags Vladislav Doronin, a clean-living health nut whose idea of a good stiff drink is a cup of Gyokuro tea. A coke-addled crazy who uses her BlackBerry as a set of nunchuks? Not going to be taking that to the altar, thank you. 
So shrewd Naomi is making nice. Very nice. One might say creepy nice. 
Not only has she has she sworn off the mood-altering stimulants, but she has taken to signing her emails "love and light" and posting homespun philosophy on Twitter. Thursday’s thought for the day was: "Minds are like parachutes — they won’t work unless they are open."  

Yeah-h-h-h, that's nice. I really admire bullies who turn their life around and start quoting homilies at me. But I tell you this, I don't trust them for one dang second. It's only a matter of time until this billionaire does something that ignites her hairtrigger temper and his face winds up on the receiving end of the most expensive cellphone on the market. 
Taking bets right here, right now. 

Editor's note: "Minds are like parachutes, they won’t work unless they are open." That's deep.
My note: *makes spitting sound* You know what else is like parachutes? Billionaires' wallets.