Friday, 9 November 2012

THE 'SEXIEST MAN ALIVE' SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME


DUH-H-H. ME CHANNING, BIG DUMB SEXY.
Good lord. Is it just me or does this guy look  EXACTLY
 like Big Moose, the "special" football player in
the Archie comic books? 
Photo: CreStock
So, the secret's out. Multiple sources have leaked the hot news that People magazine will crown Channing Tatum, or Tatum Channing or Tanning Scrotum or whatever the hell his name is (I can never remember it because it sounds like a stupid made-up 1950s porno name), the Sexiest Man Alive. 

Well first of all, hell no. 
And second of all, who did they ask? Not me, that’s for sure. Because I would have given them the same answer I'd have given them last year, had they asked, when the real sexiest man alive was passed over yet again by the completely blind panel of sexless old men who chose Bradley Frigging Cooper. (I’m not being crude, that’s actually his middle name.) 

People is sticking to its buzz-generating principles and refusing to confirm or deny that Channing is the chosen one, coyly noting we’ll just have to wait until Nov. 14 to find out for sure. 

Uh-huh. Well I'm already sure.
Ladies, say it with me: The sexiest man alive is RYAN GOSLING! I'm sorry, Channing, it's nothing personal. I know you have abs that could grate a block of parmesan, but I just don't find great dull hunks of charmless meat-head sexy. What I find sexy is Ryan Frigging Gosling. People magazine, please adjust your magazine cover accordingly. Or else...