THERE IS NO CRISIS KIM'S BREASTS CAN'T RESOLVE

HELLO, ISRAEL! I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU!
 And I brought goodie bags for everyone, although 
of course, you'll have to bid on them. Let's start with 
this bottle of my own perfume line. Just because 
you're being bombed doesn't mean 
you have to smell bad! Do I hear $500? 
 Steve Vas/Featureflash

 

I've got fantastic news for everyone who's worried about the escalating violence in Gaza. Help is on the way! And it's wearing false eyelashes and a bustier. Yes, Kim Kardashian was so rattled by the backlash against her Middle East Twitter disaster on the weekend that she has decided to get some edukashian on the issues.

She is heading to Kuwait and Bahrain and is reportedly determined to use the trip to bone up on the political situation in the Middle East. (Although that wasn't the initial reason for her trip, truth be told. In a marketing move rivalling Kim's tweets for stupidity, the Millions of Milkshakes franchise figured that what a region simmering in unrest really needs is a good frostie, and is flying Kim in to promote their opening.)

A representative for the Kardashianest of the Kardashians says Kim feels "it's important to use her celebrity to inform others about the issues in the area." Because obviously, CNN and New York Times just can't be trusted with the job. Oh well, at least now there's hope for that hard-to-reach Shopping Channel demographic.

I know I can't think of anyone better suited to the job of Celebrity Middle East ambassador, except perhaps just about anybody. Indeed, the only consolation I can offer the strife-torn region is that this is almost certainly just a phase, which will pass as soon as the next A) fashion trend B) pool party C) hot black guy crosses Kim's radar.

Editor's note: In the interest of serious journalism, I tried to get a comment, but Kim's people told me she is busy shopping for push-up burqas and a copy of Bahrain for Dummies.