Wednesday, 9 December 2015

ASK TYRA: ADVICE ONLY SUPERMODELS CAN RELATE TO

Merry Christmas, ordinary people! Tyra wants you to love yourself just as you are. 
(Well sure, why not? And while I'm at it,  why don't I just strap an elephant 
on my back and run up Mount Kilimanjaro backwards too?)

Supermodel Tyra Banks graces the December cover of  Cosmopolitan, and I’m really looking forward to reading what she has to say. Because the snippets that have been leaked so far are inspiring. Tyra tells us we should all learn to be "flawsome." (A cloying, made-up word she explains as flaws+awesome = flawsome!" As God is my witness, if she said that to me in person I think I would punch her right in the vagina.) She says we must "embrace our flaws" and love ourselves "no matter what shape, size or colour you are."  

I just love it when women who look like Tyra tell me to love myself no matter what shape and size I am. Easy for you to say, Amazon woman. Come walk around in my body for a few days and say that. Come and experience the heads not turning as you walk down the street. Come and savour the delicious feeling of standing naked in front of a full-length mirror as you whimper: “Tyra says I should love my body just the way it is." Be amazed by the stab of searing, venomous rage as you screech: " I HATE TYRA BANKS!” 

Listen Cosmo, nobody wants to hear that shit from curvy, bronzed goddesses in the middle of our holiday porkouts, okay? Put Beth Ditto on that damn cover. Or Kirstie Alley. Or Melissa McCarthy. Matter of fact, put a suckling pig with an apple in its mouth on the cover and tell us to go hog-wild this Christmas season. Now THAT would be flawsome!