WHORRIFIED. BECAUSE GOSSIP IS GOOD FOR YOU: ASK TYRA: ADVICE ONLY SUPERMODELS CAN RELATE TO

Friday, 7 December 2012

ASK TYRA: ADVICE ONLY SUPERMODELS CAN RELATE TO

Merry Christmas, ordinary people! Tyra wants you to love yourself just as you are.
(Well sure, why not? And while I'm at it, why don't I just strap an elephant
on my back and run up Mount Kilimanjaro backwards too?)

Supermodel Tyra Banks graces the December cover of Cosmopolitan, and I’m really looking forward to reading what she has to say. Because the snippets that have been leaked so far are inspiring. Tyra tells us we should all learn to be "flawsome." (A cloying, made-up word she explains as flaws+awesome = flawsome!" As God is my witness, if she said that to me in person I think I would punch her right in the vagina.) She says we must "embrace our flaws" and love ourselves "no matter what shape, size or colour you are."

I just love it when women who look like Tyra tell me to love myself no matter what shape and size I am. Easy for you to say, Amazon woman. Come walk around in my body for a few days and say that. Come and experience the heads not turning as you walk down the street. Come and savour the delicious feeling of standing naked in front of a full-length mirror as you whimper: “Tyra says I should love my body just the way it is." Be amazed by the stab of searing, venomous rage as you screech: " I HATE TYRA BANKS!”

Listen Cosmo, nobody wants to hear that shit from curvy, bronzed goddesses in the middle of our holiday porkouts, okay? Put Beth Ditto on that damn cover. Or Kirstie Alley. Or Melissa McCarthy. Matter of fact, put a suckling pig with an apple in its mouth on the cover and tell us to go hog-wild this Christmas season. Now THAT would be flawsome!

5 comments:

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous7 December 2012 06:23
That woman scares me. Like seriously, legitimately scares me. And that photo! Why on earth would they decide that's the one to put on the cover? She looks like an alien!
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Whorrified7 December 2012 13:14
She scares me too but for different reasons. I hear she'll kick the crap out of a sassy white chick. Not that I know any of those . . .
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Mark7 December 2012 13:25
I kind of like her. :)
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Whorrified7 December 2012 14:09
TRAITOR! (What, is it the knockout body? The gorgeous face? The money? The fame? WHAT? What is there to attract a man here? I just don't get it...)
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WHOSE TATT IS THAT?

And now it's time to play Whose Tatt is That? You guys really aren't very good at this. Hardly anybody guessed the last one (Megan Fox) or the one before that (Nicki Minaj), which makes me despair about the state of education in this country. (Oh but you all know EXACTLY what time the liquor store closes, dontcha!) So here's your chance to redeem yourselves. Again, we are featuring a boobtastic celebrity, this time with tatts AND scabies. It could only be one person, really . . . CLICK THE PIC to see whose blood is totally infected.

A CUCUMBERED MOSS GATHERS NO WRINKLES

In case you're wondering why you don't look as beautiful as Kate Moss, it's probably because of this: Kate says she submerges her face in iced cucumber water every day. "It's a bit Joan Crawford, but it works," she says. Yeah and you know what else works? Being born beautiful and swearing off doing crack in public bathrooms with Pete Doherty. Actually just forget about the iced cucumber water and do that last one. Click on the pic for more outrageous piffle from the Gwyneth Paltrow of the supermodel set.

Photo: Deon Moritz