Tuesday, 18 December 2012


while I was Christmas shopping. I can't wait to see the look on my face 
when I open it on Christmas morning!

If there's one thing I hate about Christmas, it's the shopping.
I mean, I capital "L" love my loved ones, yet I have been avoiding shopping for them as assiduously as if it were a date with the deep-tissue proctologist, because malls at Christmas time are just so damn depressing. Everybody looks grim and hunted and no one is happy and everyone is thinking about the money they can't afford to be throwing away. It's just like being in a casino. Except that nobody wins.

So I'd been watching the days tick by with a dark, growing dread, until finally I realized that Christmas was one week away. On that day, the panic hit me like a fist. On that day, I turned to my boss and said, "I won't be in tomorrow. I have to buy some stuff for my kids. I've only got a few good years left, and if I don't play my cards right, they're going to dump me off at the shitty nursing home, the one where the nurses pinch you when no one's looking and you only get one diaper change a week. I don't want to go out like that, man!"

The next day, I hit the mall, brimming with coffee and determination. There was a brief moment of distraction when I stopped to say hi to my hairdresser and decided, what the heck, may as well get my hair straightened, but the second that was done I dove right into the shopping.
I had my list with me, I had my route planned out, I was ready. 

And then I saw the cutest knee-high, laceup winter boots. Which I happen to really need, because I hear we might actually get snow this year.
And then I saw a beautiful stained-glass candle-holder the EXACT colour of the cushions in my living room and a book I've been meaning to read forever and the cutest little brie baker and it is just a damn shame that no one on my list asked for any of those things.

When I got home that evening, I found I had crossed three items off my Christmas list for other people. But I had purchased seven things for myself.
So tomorrow I'm going to give the Christmas shopping thing another whirl. 
And this time, I'll make sure to buy a package of Depends. Because I am so going to that shitty nursing home.