Sunday, 16 December 2012



Hey, ladies, put this news item in your "Good to Know" file if you ever plan on smuggling narcotics out of countries known the world over as drug trafficking hubs. Do not, repeat, DO NOT, try to smuggle them in your breasts. I was deeply distressed last week to learn that one of our sisters did just that, thus ruining a lovely trip to Barcelona and mutilating a pair of perfectly good new implants as well. 

Spanish authorities released a picture of two bags containing nearly three pounds of cocaine that were removed from the suspect's chest. According to CNN, the woman was travelling from Colombia when a nosy and quite possibly lesbian female officer noticed during a lovingly thorough pat-down that she had bloodied bandages under one of her breasts. 

The suspect reportedly gave vague answers as to why she and her mammoth three-pound breasts were in town. Police promptly booked her and took her to a hospital. (They don't mess around in Barcelona. "Why are you here and why are your boobs bleeding?"  "I ... uh..."  "Guards! Seize her!")

There, a medical team extracted a prosthesis stuffed with $50,000 worth of cocaine from each breast. The woman was immediately jailed on drug trafficking charges and this, I'm guessing, is what her first postcard home said: "In jail. Just effing great. I went from being a cocaine-packing double-D to being a flat-chested criminal. Worst. Trip. Ever. P.S. Send pesos."

Editor's note: Well if you're going to be a killjoy, you've at least gotta give the ladies some options. Here are some substances you CAN fill your implants with that won't land you a tenner in the penitentiary. A) Sambuca B) Gin C) Dishwashing liquid D) Tapioca E) Hummus F) That gooey stuff they put in Cadbury Easter Creme Eggs G) Cocaine (No longer available.)