Tuesday, 18 December 2012

HAVEN'T THAT DAMN KID'S PUBES COME IN YET?

Heather Locklear, Ava Sambora, Kris Jenner, Georgia May Jagger, Whorrified,

HEATHER LOCKLEAR, 
LOOKING COUGARIFFIC
in boots and a leather jacket, holds up 
pretty little Ava, 15, who hasn't quite
got the hang of heels yet. 
Photo:Paul Smith/Featureflash



There's simply no denying that once a woman reaches a certain age, she's no longer sexpot material. (With a few very rare exceptions such as myself.) And if her entire career has been built on sexpotting herself out for dollars, this can have a devastating effect not only on her psyche but also on the style of living to which she has become accustomed. 

When this happens, the smartest thing a woman can do is to have a nubile young daughter of pimping-out age. Or even not quite of pimping-out age; you'd be amazed what you can do with a pair of heels and some lipstick. 

Nowhere is this phenomenon more obvious than in Hollywood, where sexpotting for dollars is practically a religion. From Judy Garland to Goldie Hawn, we've seen this trend play out for decades. Here are some examples of the latest crop of mothers who saved themselves from certain oblivion by delivering unto the flesh-starved lens a virgin. 

Heather Locklear: A B-grade actress whose career reached a dubious pinnacle with T.J. Hooker. Saving grace: Daughter Ava Sambora, 15. This pretty little blonde no one even knew existed last year is now being trotted out for the cameras with astonishing regularity. And just in the nick of time! Because if Mommy had to say, "No, it was a police show, there weren't any hookers in it" one more time at a party . . . Pedigree: Sired by Richie Sambora.

Kris Jenner: The queen of girl-baby mills. Kris is an industry, for God's sake. But the sands are shifting: Kim's gone rogue, Khloe and Kourtney are clearly never going to reach Kim's level, but lookie here! Kendall Jenner's got her period and her pimps have cleared up, so put on them heels, girl. Time to start helping the family out! Pedigree: Sired by Bruce Jenner. Which is amazing because he doesn't even look like he has a penis anymore.

Jerry Hall: Aging former model who endured relations with a whoring rock icon long enough to get a stunningly beautiful child out of it. Unlike some celebrity offspring, Georgia May Jagger hit the genetic jackpot and got the best both parents had to offer. Take a look here at Georgia May's winning look. Pedigree: Sired by Mick Jagger, whose stud services once rivalled those of Osama bin Laden. 

Joan Rivers: True, Joan was never a sexpot, but still, Melissa did make a convenient entrance at a time when Mom's red carpetability was waning. It would be better for both of them if Melissa were a little hotter and a lot stupider, but still. She's young and she has a famous name. That, in Hollywood, is currency.

Pamela Anderson: What the ... Pamela, didn't I just tell you you're not on this list? (Pamela: "Goddamit! WHY DID I HAVE TO HAVE BOYS?")