Tuesday, 4 December 2012

I WOULD GIVE MY EYE TEETH TO SEE THAT PRENUP...

HUGH HEFNER, 86, SEEN CLINGING 
FOR DEAR LIFE TO HIS FIANCEE, 
Playmate Crystal Harris, 26. Who genuinely 
loves him and is a natural blonde.
Photo/CreStock 
Proving that his luge ride to senility is ramping up to warp speed, Hugh Hefner (age two hundred and eleventy) is engaged to be married. To his "Number One,” playmate Crystal Harris, 26. 

Harris was his number one last year too, but for some unfathomable reason that probably has a lot to do with looking at Hugh Hefner naked, she called it quits five days before the wedding, narrowly averting a traumatizing wedding night romp. 
But Crystal has grown up a lot since then. Not enough to change her name to something less stripperish, perhaps, but enough to realize that marrying a liver-spotted gumper a full 60 years older than she is is exactly what she wanted after all.

The happy, not-at-all-creepy, perfectly normal couple will wed at the Playboy Mansion on New Year's Eve. Unless Hef dies before then. True love! 

Editor's note: We have obtained a copy of the wedding announcement for the blessed event, below. Yeah, that's right, tmz. THE ACTUAL WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT!



Hef and Crystal
****
request the honour of your smirking presence 
at the farcical 'beginning of our new life together.'
 (Estimated duration, 6 months to 2 years, max.)

The happy couple is registered at 
Caskets Glorious (him) 
and Toys 'R' Us (her). 
Date: New Year's Eve, 2012
 Location: Playboy Mansion
 Ceremony: 3 p.m.
Dinner: 4 p.m.
Dance:  5:30 till 6:45 p.m. (groom's bedtime)

 *Note: The bride may be available 
for continued revelry after 7:15 p.m.

We ask that you make sure you are on time,  
as Hef is 86 and it's pretty much moment-to-moment now.