Thursday, 20 December 2012

IF JENNIFER ANISTON IS PREGNANT I WILL EAT MY SHIRT

"SAY IT AGAIN, JUSTIN!"
But Jen, there are people here . . . 
 "PLEASE?"
But Jen, I ... 
 "PRETTY PLEASE? SAY IT AGAIN! PLEASE?" 
*Sigh* Fine. "Jennifer Aniston, I am going 
to marry you." Now can we go eat?

Photo/Crestock




I know I should like Jennifer Aniston. She's pretty, she's funny, she's wholesome and down to earth. She has never thrown diva tantrums or got herself arrested for DUI or assault, not even when she could have got away with beating Angelina senseless with a yoga mat for stealing her husband.

But as God is my witness, if I am asked to feel sorry her one more time, I'm gonna throw up.


Watching Jen's failed attempts to get married and/or pregnant has become a nauseating little game that feels like watching the class bully beat up the class wimp. Over and over and over again.
Yet here I am being set up to watch another shit-kicking. 
As we all know because magazines went apeshit when it happened, Jen has finally met "the one" and he has given her a big fat ring. So we should all ignore the nagging suspicion that we're being fooled again and be happy for her. 

Which, okay, fine, I could have lived with. I am not an ogre. 

But then, within weeks of that blessed news, we were being told that not only has she successfully achieved engagement, but JEN MAY BE PREGNANT! 
And then we were told Jen may be pregnant ... WITH TWINS!  
And tomorrow I fully expect to read Jen may be pregnant with twins ... AND ONE OF THEM IS THE BABY JESUS!

Blech. Listen, here's the deal, people. Jennifer Aniston is NEVER going to get pregnant. Ever. Frankly I have my doubts she will ever even get married. Because until the reverend says "You may kiss the bride," she is not married, she just has an expensive ring and a guy who says he intends to marry her. 

So I would like to issue a request (which I am fully aware will be totally ignored on account of no one outside of Brampton, Ontario, has even heard of me) to the gossip rags of America to desist with these queasy-making reports until they have both a video of Jen's wedding night AND a photo of the baby exiting her actual birth canal.
Because even though it is almost Christmas, I do not believe in miracles. And I am so, so tired of being sad.