Thursday, 6 December 2012


Don't ask where I spotted this sad display, because I'm not a tattle (Brampton, Ont.)

You know how well-meaning parents will tell their kids, “That is a BEAUTIFUL drawing, Jason! I am so proud of you!” even when it’s a piece of crap? Yeah, that rule doesn’t apply to Christmas decorations, folks. If your lights suck, you don’t get an “E” for effort. You get an “F.” In fact, you might even get a G or an H. This homeowner is blighting up the neighbourhood with a scraggly string of lumieres he probably put up six years ago and never, ever plans to take down again. It doesn’t matter that half the bulbs are burnt out. It doesn’t matter that they have come loose and dangle like a hanged man at the right edge. It does not matter. Because he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care if you care, and he never plans to get up on that damn ladder again. When this house gets sold, those sickly lights are getting sold with it.

Neighbour: Hey, Jim, you got a few lights out up there eh? 
Jim: So? 
Neighbour: Well I just thought you . . . 
Jim: What are you, the neighbourhood light patrol?
Neighbour: No, I just . . . 
Jim: You’re in charge of the decorating committee or something? 
Neighbour: No, I . . . 
Jim: You know what? People like you are the reason I don’t even bother trying anymore! I put up a beautiful set of lights six years ago, damn near broke my neck falling off that ladder, and did anyone say “Oh, Jim, those lights are BEAUTIFUL! We are so proud of you!” No! Not one word. But a coupla lights go out and you come running and screaming “JIM! JIM! YOUR LIGHTS ARE BURNT OUT! IT LOOKS AWFUL. YOU SUCK, JIM!” 
Neighbour: I’ll just be going now. 
Jim: Yeah I guess you will! MERRY FRIGGIN' CHRISTMAS!