Wednesday, 12 December 2012


Have you seen my bodyguard?  
Anyone who wants my privates will 
have to get past THIS GUY first. 
The effeminate singers of the world heaved a collective sigh of relief yesterday when police apprehended two of the stupidest criminals ever. 

These two geniuses, fresh out of the big house, were allegedly on a mission to castrate and murder Canada's own wee Justin Bieber, who never hurt a fly, goddamit! (Thought suddenly occurs to me: 'But how do you castrate someone who doesn't even have . . . well, never mind. The lad's still intact, that's all that matters!') 

News outlets report that the criminals ... "mastermind" Dana Martin (who has a tattoo of the Biebs on his leg?!?) and "helpmeet" Mark Aaron Stake ...were hoping to carry out this dastardly plan in November when Biebs was playing Madison Square Garden. 
These dudes were serious. But also, alas, stupid.

How do I know they were stupid?
For starters, their weapon of choice: "Durasharp" brand garden clippers. Please! Nail clippers would have sufficed; it's all about the right tools.
Secondly, the mastermind's "signature" token to be left behind: a paisley scarf.  

Ooooooooh, scary! Dude, why not just leave a roll of bubblegum-flavoured lip gloss at the scene of the crime. They must have just LOVED you in the big house!

And, lastly and most tellingly, the bounty set on the Biebs' privates was $2,500 per testicle. Jesus Christ. It's Justin bloody Bieber, top-grossing singing sensation in the U.S.A.! You can't set the bar a little higher? DO I HEAR $5,000 per testicle!
Justin, my boy, I wouldn't waste two seconds of precious nap time worrying about these two buffoons ever making good on their plan. You and your man-berries are safe. I can pretty much guarantee it.

Editor's note: Hmm. The killer had a tattoo of Justin on his leg? This is classic, conflicted love; a homoerotic crime, if you will.
My note: It is so disturbing that you would even know that.