Friday, 14 December 2012


Worried that her fans might have forgotten her
 since she stopped recording decent music and 
took up extreme surgerying, Lil Kim hit on a brilliant 
comeback strategy: creepy Christmas cards! 

Poor weird Lil Kim. She just hasn't been the same since she went and got her ENTIRE HEAD AND BODY made over into Jocelyn Wildenstein's terrifying likeness.

Does anyone remember what Lil Kim used to look like before she went on a surgery bender? No. 
Not even Lil Kim remembers that. 
Does anyone remember that she used to be the Queen B, the platinum goddess of hip-hop? Yes. Nicki Minaj remembers, and laughs her butt implants off every time she records a new hit single in Kim's fading memory.

On the plus side, Lil Kim did remember that the holidays are upon us. (Sadly, she appears unsure of which holiday it is, although she's clearly leaning towards a Day of the Dead theme.) Kim has launched a muddled "12 Days Of Christmas" card campaign and promises to share a new card every day between now and the blessed birthday of Christ our Lord.  

Her first card, shared with fans yesterday on Twitter, shows Kim surrounded by presents as she creeps, bat-like, down the stairs, sporting a massive bouffant and looking like she is about to bite the head off the Virgin Mary. Who is trapped in Rapunzel's tower in Transylvania. With the three little vampire pigs.

Yes, well, er, thank you for the lovely card, Kim. You've really captured the spirit of the season, here! I won't be able to sleep tonight worrying that this succubus is going to pounce on me in my bed and suck the blood out of my veins, but if I wake up and am still alive, you can be sure the first thing I will do is check your Twitter account to see what today's festive message is! 

Yes of course I really mean that! Why wouldn't I mean that?
(Note to self: Block Lil Kim on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, everything. And hang garlic bulbs over all doorways/windows. You can never be too careful...)

Editor's note: Oh, I don't know. I'd rather this than another fat Santa card. Follow Kim on Twitter @LilKim, to find out what she gives out for the 11 remaining days.