Thursday, 6 December 2012

NOTE: YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO BOARD THIS RIDE

HEY, MARIE! I'M KINDA SINGLE
So do ya think, maybe . . . ?
 Photo/CreStock
You know why I was happier than almost anyone when Katie Holmes dumped Tom Cruise? Because if there's one thing I can't abide, it's the sight of a tall woman with a short man. 
Oh, I'm sorry, does that sound shallow? Yeah well I don't give a rat's ass. Because I'm a tall woman who has been through hell ... HELL, I tell  you! ... trying to find someone tall enough that I can wear stilettos and not make him feel like I just neutered him with my bare hands.

Yet for some reason, I seem to be attracting a lot of short dudes lately. I'm not talking one or two inches shorter than I am. I'm talking Danny de Vito. Maybe it's wanting what you don't have. Maybe it's the fact that they can see up my skirt without even having to wear their mirrored shoes. I don't know and I don't care. If you can't look me in the eye when I'm talking to you, it is not gonna happen.

It's not like I've never dated shorter men. But I found that certain things that were important to me often became a problem. And then they became a power struggle. And then they became a deal-breaker. Because if, as one short-lived boyfriend once did, a man says to you: "Must you ALWAYS wear shoes that make you look like a transvestite?" it is only a matter of time before you start to resent that he made you hate your favourite shoes.
Recently, I dated a man who, at 6’2'', was taller than I am in even my tallest heels. We were very happy together for more than a decade. I can’t remember his name anymore, but I do remember the way wearing heels again made me feel. Bloody fantastic.

FOR THE LOVE OF HEELS, DANNY! NO! 
Seriously, short men, if THIS is what you see 
when you are trolling for dates, you are
 in the wrong aisle. Run along now ...



You may be asking yourself, “Why, when there is so much strife in the world, is she nattering on about short men and shoes?” Ahem. Please refer to my indepth coverage of several fantastically important news items, directly at right. Hello? Aretha exposing herself to the president? The Olsen twins turning under-cover drug dealer? You want more than that? I'll give Christiane Amanpour a call and see if she's got anything for me.
(Sheesh. Does it say The Economist up there on the masthead? No it does not.)

Editor’s note: In related news, Danny de Vito says he and Rhea Perlman are "working it out." 
My note: Did he use that terminology? Gross.