Saturday, 29 December 2012


"Yes I got hit by a car, but I'm still alive, bitches!"

Have you been wondering what '80s fitness guru Richard Simmons has been up to lately? Our more crone-ish readers will remember a time when you couldn't turn on the television without seeing Richard and his mesmerizingly hairless legs and his permed hair and his striped satin booty shorts prancing all over your screen. It was the kind of creepy you just couldn't look away from.

Which is why I give the reckless driver who ran over poor Richard RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS OWN HOME yesterday some leniency. Because I think if I were driving down the street and saw Richard Simmons standing there in the 64-year-old flesh I might lose control for a moment myself.

So what happened was, Richard was standing outside his Hollywood home talking to tour bus passengers. I'm thinking the conversation was going something like this:

"Well hellooooooooo! Isn't this thrilling! You've brought a tour bus to visit my home!"
"No actually we're lost. Can you tell us how to get to Justin Bieber's house?"
"Oh that is HILARIOUS! Well I'm just so thrilled! *scans perplexed crowd* Ma'am I hope you don't mind that I see you have a little muffin top going on there. I have just the ... "
"Sir, we're kind of on a tight schedule. Could you just point us in the ... whoa, watch out for that crazy driver!"
"Aaaaaaggghhhh! Ow! I'm fine! I'm okay! Ow! I think he broke my whole foot! No, don't go! Stay! I'm fine, really!"

The important thing is that this bizarre incident did not end in Richard's demise. And that he is still thin. Click here to watch the tmz video in which Richard Simmons, who appears to have turned into an elderly female elf, cheats death.