Monday, 24 December 2012

TIS THE SEASON TO DUMP YOUR LOVER, FA-LA-LA-LA-LA

KIMORA & DJIMON IN HAPPIER TIMES
Just one of many couples who kicked off 
the holiday season with a divorce. 
(Eeew! Dude! That nasty goat-bear
is probably the reason she left you!)
 
Photo/CreStock

Inspired by Ashton Kutcher's super-festive serving of the divorce papers, Bethenny Frankel, founder of Emaciatedgirl Skinnygirl Cocktails, is separating from her husband of two years. She was going to save the announcement for his big Christmas morning surprise but was just too excited to wait. Bethenny tweeted about it last night because this is not the sort of thing one wants to keep to one's self at such a family time of year. Meanwhile, her husband, whose name is Jason Hoppy, is busily filing papers to have his name legally changed to Jason Happy. 
(Lawyer: That'll be $5,000. Jason: If I give you $6,000, could you change my middle name to Very?)

In other disintegrating families news: Kris and Bruce Jenner are SPLITTING UP! Star magazine says Bruce has moved out because he can't take any more of Kris's bullying and emasculation (and not a moment too soon; he's practically a goddam woman). But wait! Now Kris and Bruce have issued an extremely gross and completely staged video of themselves cavorting in a Christmas tree lot while they pick out the tree that Kris will later ram up his arse while screeching: "CALL ME MASTER! SAY IT!" This obviously proves that everything is fine and that Star is lying and so are all the other magazines that have pix of Kris canoodling with younger guys who actually look like males of the species as opposed to Wax-faced Girlie Man. (What? That's what she calls him. I read it somewhere...)

In other this-one's-for-sure disintegrating families news: Kimora Lee, who traded in Russell Simmons six years ago for a younger, hotter model (actor Djimon Hounsou), has now dumped the younger, hotter model as well. She is going through your typical sad adjustment phase, holing up at homelooking drab and eating too much cake. As we can clearly see in THIS PHOTO right here.

Editor's note: Thank heavens the feast of the Birth of Our Lord is mere hours away, because I don't know how much more of this Christmas cheer I can take.