Wednesday, 12 December 2012


beyonce, wendy williams, miley cyrus, lil wayne
 Beyonce reacts to the news that talk show host 
Wendy Williams says she "sounds like she has a 
fifth-grade education."  (I was not aware that 
Wendy Williams has a death wish.)
You may have been watching last week when talk show host Wendy Williams painted a bull's eye on her forehead and said, "Here, Jay-Z. Right between the eyes."  Because what Wendy did was basically call his wife, America's R&B sweetheart Beyonce, a fifth-grade dimwit who "sounds dumb when she talks."

Wendy was instantly booed and, facing an outpouring of indignation, had to backpedal like crazy.
However. However ... she was on to something.
Not so much about Beyonce, who actually doesn't sound like any more of a dimwit than any of her dimwit peers, but about pretty much everyone else in show business.
From Rihanna to Lil Wayne to Paris Hilton, the coming wave of pop-culture influencers sound like they were dropped out of a plane into the remotest corner of Cameroon. On their head. At age 7.
They are barely literate, they communicate in a primitive form of textspeak and when they can't think of the right word, they simply insert "da shit," "da bomb" or "fo reels." 

And yes, I "get it." I get that this is the verbal equivalent of walking around with your arse hanging out of your jeans and your boxers showing. It's meant to sound stupid and uneducated and thug.
Alas, my suspicion is that it is very convenient that it is meant to sound that way, because in fact these kids couldn't write a proper sentence if their lives depended on it.
My suspicion is that they barely understand themselves, let alone what anyone says in response.
My suspicion is that the shearling-clad IKEA monkey could pound maniacally on the keyboard of any cellphone and send out a more intelligent text message than the ones coming from our hot young stars.

Let me give you a couple of "for instances" of actual Twitter messages these stars have sent. It is only by sheer iron will that I have refrained from responding to every one of these with "STOP TWEETING AND GO READ A BOOK, YOU GODDAM ILLITERATE!"

Lil Wayne WEEZY F ‏@LilTunechi
Was gunna present the gold medal for sk8 vert at X Games but I kinda got played so I dipped but I be bak 2mor!! & props to the winner!

Wiz Khalifa ‏@RealWizKhalifa
Ate shit and payed for it. Norfolk wuss hatnin

Miley Ray CyrusVerified ‏@MileyCyrus
fuck twitter posers. honestly. so lame. thinking your talking to friends to find its a stranger. AIN'T YO MAMA ER WARNED YA

Paris Hilton ‏@ParisHilton
"No, no, I didn't go to England; I went to London. 

Shaquille O’Neill 

Even the aliens no me, da ones real far, i speak to em like ibadablaa, Jigamagla, bockeraaa.

Kate Gosselin ‏@Kateplusmy8
Hellloooo!My am is well on it's way!Looking 4ward 2 2day.Lots 2get dun be4 r wkend.Shld hav sum X 2 tweet 2dayso checkin w/ ?'s

Editor's note: I just got a text from the IKEA monkey. He writes: "compared to that i am a rhodes scholer!" Stupid monkey. He spelled "scholar" wrong.