A New Year's Eve letter from Whorrified to Every Celebrity, Esq.:
Hello, celebrities. It has come to my attention that somewhere between zero and one of you actually read my little blog, but hey, that's a start. In fact, it's an opportunity for me to share an important year-end public service announcement with you, which you could then pass on to the hundreds of other celebrities who really need to hear it.
And that public service announcement is this: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
Between Whitney's daughter, Bobbi Kristina, necking with her adopted brother and Rihanna chasing an indifferent Chris Brown around the globe, it's like the lot of you are engaged in a bare-knuckle brawl to see who can self-destruct the fastest. (*Editor's note: I'm taking bets. Right now, the smart money is on LiLo.*)
Yes, I know, you are rich and privileged and can do whatever you want, but if I were you, I would remember this: At some point, you all will be held accountable, shamed even, by a higher power. By the Almighty. By He who sees all ... and then tattles about it. I know you think I'm referring to L. Ron Hubbard, but no, I am referring to something much more powerful than mere Scientology.
I am referring to TMZ.
I don't know how they do it but those sneaky little mofos catch EVERYTHING. Seal calling his ex, Heidi Klum, a help-schtupping ho? Oh yeah. That's on video. Russell Brand mowing down homeless persons with his Range Rover? Video. Dirty Harry getting butt nekkid with skanks in his Vegas hotel room? Viral video.
Don't you get it, celebrities? There is nowhere you can hide that tmz.com will not find you and film you and put the whole damn thing on the world wide web.
In closing, I leave you with this recent example of tmz's chilling, spy-vs-spy powers: the dashboard-camera arrest footage of Bobbi Kristina's fiance-brother, Nick Gordon, being pulled over for driving like a white-nosed maniac in a car that looks like it cost half of Bobbi Kristina's inheritance. ('member? I told you all about it in this post right here.)
The delectable punchline? He was blasting Whitney music. Click here for the priceless footage by ... who else ... T to the M to the mothereffing Z.