|"DON'T EAT IT, BROTHER, I'M TELLIN' YA! IT'S BEEN ON THE FLOOR FOR TWO SECONDS ALREADY!"|
I heard some disturbing news on the radio on the way home from work tonight. (No, it wasn't about Mayor Rob Ford; I said disturbing, not traumatizing.) It started off with this teaser: "So you dropped your sandwich on the floor. Is it still safe to eat?"
Then they cut to a commercial and let listeners stew for a good five minutes, wondering if that piece of cheese they scooped up off the carpet at work (well it was that really GOOD cheese, plus no one was looking) will be the death of them.
According to "a new study," it just might.
Remember the 5-second rule? Yes, I know it was true last week, but now there's "a new study," so it's not true anymore. The new truth is that food is going to be MOLESTED by horny bacteria the very second it lands.
According to this study and to kidshealth website, bacteria can attach to food as soon as it hits the floor. Even floors that look clean can be crawling with bacteria. "Without a powerful microscope it's impossible to determine how many are present." (Subliminal message: Go out right now and buy a powerful microscope, or your kids might die.)
Well now I won't sleep tonight worrying about how many brazillions of germs I ingested in the past week alone.
What I worry about even more than the cooties I might have caught off that piece of floor-cheese is this: has anyone told those poor folks in countries where they still live in mud huts and DON'T use anti-bacterial spritzers 500 times a day?
It's a miracle the planet has lasted this long without this crucial bit of obsessive-compulsive wisdom. How did we ever survive the germs that must have been everywhere when we used to poop in outhouses and have babies on the horsehair chesterfield?
Anyway, my point is, I think we worry too much. If we accidentally ingest a few hundred bacteria a day, I'm pretty sure we'll survive.
And if that's not comfort enough for you, then just wait a few weeks. Another "new study" is sure to come along and prove that this other new study was complete bunk.
I'll find out about it when I'm driving home from work and hear this teaser: "It's the most important nutrient you could possibly eat . . . and it's found on your kitchen floor!"