Saturday, 27 October 2012

TIGER BLOOD'S FOR FOOLS! THIS HERE'S CONAN BLOOD!

ARNIE, SHOWN HAVING AN UNFORTUNATE 
SENIOR'S MOMENT AT A BOOK SIGNING 
"Hey, who are all these people? Where am I? 
What's my name? Why am I holding a book,
I can't even read!"
Photo/CreStock 

Holy thundering geezers! This is FANTASTIC news! Arnold Schwarzenegger has begged to been asked to reprise his famous career-launching role as Conan the Barbarian! 

Yes, yes, I realize it's been 30 years since he first burst onto the screen as Conan the barely intelligible Barbarian. I also realize the man is now a card-carrying senior citizen. But this is not your average mortal. This is Conan, king of the gonads, master of his own domain and all that live within it. Including the live-in nanny and any other female who can't move fast enough to get away.  

And so the newly single 65-year-old is now hard at it, prepping for his role and working hard to ensure his liver-spotted junk does not inspire guffaws when it makes its reappearance in high-def. 
In a loin-cloth.

Keeping up a break-neck pace that would wear out most mortals half his age, Conan the Sexagenarian is reportedly knocking back DHEA cocktails and botox shots like there's no tomorrow, pumping iron and doing squats and lunges and lurches and leers and any other kind of workout that takes his fancy and tones his glutes.

Universal notes the movie will air in 2014 and that . . . whoa, what? 2014? Oh dear. Risky.
Well, here's hoping the old buzzard is still alive to see his own comeback.

Friday, 26 October 2012

JESSICASTILTSKIN CAN TURN BLUBBER INTO GOLD!


Jessica Simpson, weight watchers, whorrified,
SAINT JESSICA IN TYPICAL MARTYR'S GARB
Photo/CreStock


And from our “YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T KNOW WHAT ‘BRAVE’ MEANS” files, we have the head of Weight Watchers nominating Jessica Simpson for a purple heart for her unflinching heroism in the face of terrifying baby fat.

New mom Simpson graces the cover of the latest issue of Us Weekly, in which she candidly shares her story of the 70 pounds she packed on during her pregnancy and her heart-wrenching battle to unpack it afterwards.
Jessica opens up about how painful the ordeal was, about how Weight Watchers came to the rescue riding a slim white horse and clutching a $4 million endorsement offer, and how her friends have supported her in her “struggle.” 

Friends like her personal trainer Harley Pasternak, who intones, and I quote: “There was one time she stubbed her toe and had to miss an appointment to go to the doctor. So she booked an extra one that week to make up for it and even came in flip-flops because her toe was too sore to put on shoes.”

And as the violins rise to a crescendo, Weight Watchers head Liz Josefsberg takes her cue and assumes the position: hands clasped, eyes raised heavenward.
"She is very brave to do this in a healthy, more realistic way," Josefsberg says.

Brave? Yes, that’s exactly the right word for this, isn't it? Perhaps even a little understated. I mean, hold the phone, we are talking losing weight after giving birth with nothing but 4 million dollars, a personal trainer and the adoration of the entire U.S. of A. to urge her on. This isn’t just brave, it’s beatified. It’s a miracle. It’s … 
“Hello, Vatican? It’s me, Saint Jessica of the Blessed Fat Melt.” 
"OHMIGOD! Everybody! Down rosaries! It's Saint Jessica!"
Give me a frigging break. 

Editor’s note: I can’t help noticing you sound somewhat bitter.
My note: Hello! I gained 65 pounds in my third pregnancy! Did anyone offer me $4M? Just a little acknowledgement, man, that’s all I’m askin' here.
Editor’s note: Do you have gargantuan boobs that you are willing to flaunt ad nauseam?
My note: Uh, not gargantuan, exactly.
Editor’s note: Well tough luck, sistah.

THIS REMEDY BROUGHT TO YOU BY DOCTOR LICKBO



Do you know what this is? Yes, you think you know. But you don’t. Not unless you had a day every bit as rough, rainy, cramp-y, stressful and filled with bad food choices as mine was. In that case, like me, you will look upon this row of gleaming bottles and see not just wine, not just shiraz, but a shimmering celestial sea of happiness and sweet soaring relief. In the Vintages section. At the LCBO. Just waiting for you to take them home. Clink!

HOMELESS PEOPLE GIVE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE THE LOLZ

Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel,
'GEEZ, IT SEEMED HILARIOUS AT THE TIME'  
Now I've gotta stay incognito until this dies down
 so the homeless don't kick the shit out of me.
 Photo/CreStock

I have been avoiding mentioning last weekend's wedding of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel  for two reasons: 1) because they bore me and 2) because I'm sure it'll be on the rocks by year's end and this will all have been a waste of my rapier wit.

But now this whole homeless-mocking business has come out and, well, now that's something I can get worked up about.
Apparently JusticaBielberlake (that's my offering for a celebrity name meld; it's no Brangelina but it'll do) spent a whopping $6.5M on their nuptials in Italy, a flagrant sum that makes me want to throw up just thinking about how many other more important things could have been done with that money.  

Presumably as part of his gift, Justin's pal Justin Huchel made a tasteless, hen-headed video for the blessed event. And you'd think, since Justie was throwing money around like confetti, he might have spared a little of it for a sensitivity adviser. Because then the conversation might have gone like this: 

Justin H: "Hey, I know! How 'bout we film a video of a bunch of grubby homeless people congratulating you and Jess on your $6.5M wedding!" 
JusticaBielberlake: "Teehee! I love it!"
Adviser: "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Instead, apparently, it went like this: 
Justin H: "Hey, I know! How 'bout we film a video of a bunch of grubby homeless people congratulating you and Jess on your $6.5M wedding!"
JusticaBielberlake: "Teehee! I love it!"
Justin H: "I'll go find some street urchins!"

In the video, which TMZ reports was shown at the wedding, a homeless man grins toothlessly and says, “Justin, Jessica, I haven’t seen you in a long time. My gift is in the mail.” TMZ says he was paid $40 to read the pre-written lines and had no idea who the video was being made for. Indeed it was probably never intended to be seen by the hoi-polloi, but now that it's been leaked, Bielberlake fans are outraged by its tastelessness. As well they should be.

EDITOR'S NOTE: So much for bringing sexy back.

MY NOTE: Yup. 

Thursday, 25 October 2012

TODAY'S NEWS: SILLY, WITH A SIDE OF LAWSUIT

THE COVER THAT HELPED 
LAUNCH A $50M LAWSUIT
It's almost Friday. Which is not quite as good as Friday, but it's close. So in honour of this closeness, I bring you a bunch of things that were almost true and worthy, but not quite.

FOR STARTERS: The Donald. You will remember (unless you deliberately blocked it out to protect your inner child) that he insisted he had "BIG" news, really BIG news, a BIG bloody Obama H-bomb that he would drop on Wednesday? Well I almost forgot to follow it up, but in the end I did and WHOA!!! Not that big at all. Turns out The Donald's election-altering shocker was the offer of a big $5 million charitable donation if Barack Obama would release his college and passport files.
Um, Donald? You don't get points for offering. Nor do you get points for red herrings. Nobody gives a rat's ass about Obama's passport documents at this juncture. They're far more worried about the economy, Iran and the possibility that the superpower that is the U.S. of A. could fall into the hands of one Mitt frigging Romney. So stop it already.

AND THEN: Ann Coulter. Just as insidiously trying to insert herself into the presidential race by flinging the "R" word about like a big naked body. "Look at me! I say shocking, inappropriate things! Look over here! I called the president a 'RETARD!' Are you shocked? No? Well how about if I say 'Child Molesting Retard?' Still no? (*pauses to recoup, think of a group she hasn't offended yet*) Well how about LESBIAN GIRL GUIDE LITTLE PEOPLE CHILD MOLESTING RETARD plus I flash my breasts?!?" Yeah, still no. Please go away, Ann Coulter. There are far more dire matters at hand.

AND FINALLY: Tom Cruise, whom I usually enjoy mocking, has fired back at two supermarket tabloids for alleging he turned his back on Suri after his divorce from Katie Holmes.  
He has filed a $50 million defamation lawsuit against Life & Style for its July 30 headline "SURI IN TEARS, ABANDONED BY HER DAD," and against In Touch for its "ABANDONED BY DADDY" headline. I actually bought that mag (for the Stars Without Makeup pics; I don't know what is wrong with me but I can't get enough of those) and was rattled by its nastiness. No gossip columnist wants to come out swingin' for Tom, but even I can see he dotes on that child.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

DRUNK DRIVIN', TWO TIMIN', BABY-HAVIN' FOOLS

DID I HEAR SOMEBODY SAY 'CRACK'?
Oh, "cad." Well I've never heard of that one, 
but sure, I guess I'll try some.
Photo: CreStock

What is up with the cads lately? It's like they're having a competition to see who can be the cad-iest. I don't have enough time, space or patience to tell you what all of them are up to, so let's just go with a hardened veteran cad and a budding young cad. Coincidentally, they share the same last name, although they are not related. (At least not that I'm aware of. But the way things are unfolding lately, nothing would surprise me...)

OLD CAD: Bobby Brown, at left, has been arrested for drunk driving. Again. TMZ is reporting that police spotted Brown driving erratically in L.A. and when they pulled him over, he reeked of booze and failed a sobriety test. (Which may or may not have included the question: "What is your favourite foodstuff: crack, weed or moonshine?") 
Then again, I suppose I should be a bit more charitable. Perhaps the news that he might soon be a grandpa (when his estranged daughter and her adopted brother have their baby) was too much for him. It's certainly too much for me.

YOUNG CAD: Mere days after he dumped Karrueche for Rihanna, Chris Brown has decided he maybe wants Karrueche back. No wait: Rihanna. No, Karrueche. No, uhm ... how 'bout both? Can I have both? 
Two days after partying with Rihanna, Chris was spotted Monday hanging out with Karrueche. The surprising thing here is not that Chris is being a little sh*t, but rather that either of these women are putting up with it. I predict this is all going to end in a very bitter, public girlfight . . . and that TMZ will have the photos within minutes.

*Shocking update: Mediatakeout.com has been taking fertility pills and is impregnating EVERYONE this week. Not only have they alleged that Bobbi Kristina is pregnant (see post, below), but now they’re reporting that Karrueche is preggers by Chris Brown. If it's true, this love triangle just got very sharp, pointy edges.

WHITNEY, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, YOU SHOULD STOP

NICK GORDON & BOBBI KRISTINA
You could also refer to them 
as brother and sister. 
Or husband and wife. 
Or dad and mom. 
Or simply and most fittingly as 
Every Kind of Wrong Imaginable.
Photo: Paul Smith/Featureflash


If I polished off an entire magnum of wine and then decided to sit down and make up the most salacious rumour ever. . . well first of all, I'd have to give up before I even started, because the real news of Bobbi Kristina marrying her sorta brother pretty much trumps anything you can make up. 
Except, perhaps, for this.
Apparently she's pregnant. 

According to MediaTakeout.com (which, admittedly, sometimes gets stuff totally right and sometimes just makes shit up), Whitney Houston's daughter has been impregnated by her brother-fiance. 
Excuse me for a moment. I actually have to throw up. 
I'm not even kidding.
. . . . . . .
OK ... eeergh, nope, still queasy. 'Scuse me again.
Whew. So, yes, last month, Bobbi Kristina sent Hollywood reeling by announcing her engagement to Nick Gordon, the kid her mom adopted and raised as her brother. (And at the time, we thought THAT was the juicy news!)

Today, several reliable websites are reporting the pregnancy shocker, all of them noting that it comes from MediaTakeout. But my Spidey senses are telling me this horrid little story is just creepy enough to be true. Because:  
A) Bobbi Kristina is one mixed-up kid.
B) Every pic I've seen of her with her brother-fiance shows him groping her and her grinning like a hyena.
C) The remains of this once-great family is now prostituting itself by making The Houstons: On Our Own, which they began filming just THREE MONTHS after Whitney died. It airs today, and in reality show math, Incest + Pregnancy = Ratings Goose. 

Of course, it'll soon be obvious whether this grotesque rumour is true or not. In the meantime, if you can stomach it, here's the link to the "baby bump" photos, at Brotherbabybump.

Editor's note: I notice that everybody refers to Bobbi Kristina as "Whitney Houston's daughter." Why doesn't anyone mention her sleazy drug addict father, Bobby Brown?
My note: I think you just answered your own question there, pal. 

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

CHRISTINA GETS A PLUMP AND JUICY JOB OFFER

"$3 MILLION? WHOOPEE!"
Although I should point out that 
I spend more than that o
hair extensions alone 
Photo: Crestock


It's been a big week for Christina Aguilera. And when I say "big," I am not taking a cheap shot at her steadily increasing weight, because that would be mean. Besides, it's already been done and you can't top Joan Rivers' "She looks like Snooki's Scandinavian cousin" comment, so why even bother trying?

Anyway, first, Christina was a guest on Chelsea Lately, where she shocked the audience by confessing that she doesn't wear underwear. "I like to be as free as possible at all times," she explained to gasps from the easily shocked crowd.

And now, woohoo, serious weight-gain paydirt: Christina has been offered a rubenesque THREE MILLION DOLLARS to be the face of a dating website for "big and beautiful" women. Christina has repeatedly stated she's "proud" of her burgeoning curves ... that's her at left, being very proud of her curves. (And if she's not wearing Spanx in that photo, I will eat this entire bucket of KFC all by myself. In fact I'm going to go ahead and do that anyway.)

TheBigandTheBeautiful.com says it is seriously interested in signing her as its spokeswoman. No word yet on whether Christina is proud enough of her curves to accept the offer, but either way, TheBigandTheBeautiful.com wins. Because I had never heard of it before and now I can assure you I am going to Google it, because this I've gotta see. (If you'd care to join me, here's the link: BigandBeautiful). 

And as I polish off this last piece of delicious fried chicken, a sobering thought occurs to me: Some of us gain weight and it just sucks. Others gain weight and the fat metabolizes into headlines, star power and cash. 

Editor's note News flash: Life is not fair.


TWO MORE SLEEPS TILL THE DONALD'S 'BIG NEWS'

I HAVE A SECRET! A BIG SECRET! 
I can't tell you what it is right now because 
it's so big it might just make your head blow up! 
Photo: CreStock


Donald Trump's attempts to insert himself into the presidential race in some sort of meaningful fashion are ramping up to very big warp speed. The shameless Romney supporter called tmz.com Monday with a cryptic message about potentially election-altering "big news" he will be releasing about Barack Obama on Wednesday. He coyly deflected any requests to elaborate, noting, "I will say this, it's a big fact. It's going to be very big. I know one thing, you will cover it in a big fashion." 

After beating this nonsensical horse to death on tmz, he then moved on to Twitter, where he tweeted, "Stay tuned for my big Obama announcement . . . It's very big. Bigger than anybody would know." 

So I think what he's trying to say here is, it's big. Very big. Like, big big. Bigger than a breadbox. Bigger than Biggie. Biggity Bobbity Boo. When you're this big, they call you Donald. Bigger than . . . ah, whatevs. 

The man is a combed-over ninny. Whatever "big news" he has (and I'll bet big money it has something to do with Obama's birth certificate, which The Donald has been bleating about for months, apparently oblivious to the fact that nobody cares) will just have to wait.
Nevertheless, I am looking forward to Wednesday. Because evidently, this is gonna be BIG! 

Editor's note: Hmm. Interesting. So I'm wondering, do you think Donald's hair ever sleeps?
My note: Hello. How are you? I am sad. Because my editor is a big ninny. He is a very big ninny. I know one thing, I am going to fire him in a big fashion . . . on Wednesday.
 

Monday, 22 October 2012

WELL THIS REUNION IS OFF TO A HEALTHY START


RIHANNA MULLS BREAST IMPLANTS
 Perhaps Chris Brown can go with her and 
have his ego reduced at the same time!
Photo: Crestock   

One would think Chris Brown would be falling over himself with gratitude that Rihanna will even share the same planet with him, let alone take him back after what he did to her. But "grateful" is not really his thing. What is his thing, apparently, is big boobs. 

Rihanna is reportedly considering getting breast implants because Chris told her she'd "look hotter" with a bigger rack

Well, just think what that would do to the perfectly applied chest tattoo she only recently got as a tribute to her Grandolly. (And to my own beloved grandmothers, if you're reading this up there, don't go getting any ideas. That is NOT what normal grandkids are doing these days!) What's worse is what it would say to Chris.
It would say, "I control her. She values me more than she values herself. She does not realize that she is gorgeous and should not be giving me the time of day."

Dangerous messages to be giving to someone like Chris Brown. Or anyone else, for that matter.

Alas, Rihanna doesn't hang out at my place much anymore since I started writing snippy things about her beau, but next time she  passes by, I'll have this message for her: Girl, don't do it. Your small boobs are not the problem here, your one great big boob is. And he is NOT attractive.

VICTORIA'S SECRET UNDER FIRE FOR AIRBRUSH-GATE

OH JUST GIVE UP, DOUTZEN
No amount of fake-kissing and hot-pink bra flashing 
is going to make ANYONE notice you, 
you poor homely airbrushed creature, you. 

Photo: CreStock
Am I missing something here? 
Has my "this is an outrage" gene collapsed? Have I gone blind in one eye? I don't know, but something must be wrong because I just can't seem to work up a head of steam about this "scandal." 

Victoria's Secret is under fire for airbrushing the dickens out of its supermodels. The Hollywood Gossip, Huffington Post and other websites have published side-by-side pics of drop-dead-gorgeous Doutzen Kroes before and after airbrushing as proof.

And as God is my witness, she looks like an 11 in both photos. Have these people never seen REAL before-and-after horrors? Cuz I could show them some horrors. Anyway, I know nobody wants to see pix of five-alarm hottie Doutzen in a bikini either before or after retouching, but if you're bored and all out of Sudoku puzzles, click on this link for kicks: Hot&Hotter

Editor's note: Well I'll have to look at this pic again (and again and again and again) to be sure, but so far I'm thinking this was a flagrant waste of airbrush.
 

Sunday, 21 October 2012

NICOLE SEIZED WITH SUDDEN URGE TO BASH TOM

Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, Harpers Bazaar,
Harper's Bazaar/November 2012
 
Nicole Kidman has finally lifted her self-imposed fatwah on discussing Tom Cruise and their marriage. Which ended 11 years ago and wasn't very interesting even back then, but, hey, everybody deals with things in their own time. It is unfortunate that Nicole's "own time" happened exactly when Tom is coping with the loss of his hologram wife, Katie Holmes, because it looks a bit like kicking a man when he's down, but oh well. There are movies to be promoted and Tom is trending right now. So it's her time. And she's talkin' . . . 

In the November issue of Harper's Bazaar, Kidman reveals that marriage to Tom was "overwhelming" and sometimes felt "really strange" and "not comfortable at all." (Which sounds to me like code for "fake but profitable marriage ordained by Xenu.") There were times, I'm sure, that the overwhelming strangeness almost drove her to the point of expressing emotion. Those were bad days; she would have to sit in a darkened room and soak her face in botox for one solid hour on those days. 

But it all worked out in the end, because she went on to hitch her wagon to the lovely Keith Urban, whom she says makes her feel confident and gets her to try new things, such as exploring her sexuality. She might have said more, but at that point I slammed the magazine shut and had a little throw-up. 

I mean, really. Are we pretending we don't remember that Keith practically gave her cooties when he cheated on her with that skank "model" (more code, this time for "stripper") barely six months into their marriage?
We are?
Oh. I didn't get that memo 
Well, I'm sure Nicole will be ready to talk about that some day.  In her own time.