Saturday, 3 November 2012

CELEBRITIES BEHAVING BADLY. ALLEGEDLY . . .

DO I LOOK 'GUILTY' TO YOU, SUCKA? 
 I know it's hard to believe by looking at this sweet face, 
but rapper Flavor Flav is one of scads of celebs to have
been arrested recently for assaulting loved ones. 
Allegedly, of course. Always allegedly.  

Photo: CreStock


It's been quite an edgy few weeks in Hollywood. The tension is palpable (and I'm not sure why but I'm sure the Kardashians have something to do with it); celebrities are feeling tetchy and taking their frustrations out on, well, people's faces, mostly. 
Consider the following, bearing in mind of course that all of these incidents are "alleged" and that, so far, no one has been convicted: 

Rapper Webbie Arrested for "allegedly" brawling with a woman in his hotel room and then kicking her down the stairs. (If I had a nickel for every date that ended this way...)
R&B singer Cee-Lo Arrested for "allegedly" drugging and sexually assaulting a woman he had dinner with. (And I'm sorry, I don't find that hard to believe at all. Because who in their right mind would have sex with this guy sober?)
Actor Michael Nouri (of Flashdance fame. The original Flashdance, for those of you who aren't one hundred and eleventy years old). Arrested after a fight with his girlfriend allegedly went from verbal to physical. (Lord, you people. Haven't you heard the phrase "Use your words?")
Actress Taryn Manning Alleged to have punched and choked her personal assistant in her hotel room. (At the very least, guilty of cribbing Naomi Campbell's patented moves.)
Actress Miley Cyrus Accused of assaulting some random guy in a bar. (One hates to stereotype, but one does expect this sort of behaviour from the children of mullet-wearers.)
Rapper Flavor Flav Arrested for allegedly punching, biting and swearing at his fiancee of 8 years. (Fiancee of 8 years? Dude! No wonder she's pissed!)
Singer Paulina Rubio Arrested for allegedly beating the crap out of her personal assistant after he booked her in coach seats to Mexico instead of first class. (Uhm, yes, because obviously this is how "first-class" people behave, right?)

And ... well there are more, but you know what? It would be faster to just tell you who HASN'T been charged with assault. Let me see *consults very short list* Hmm. So far, it's looking like Tom Hanks, Robert Pattinson and Beyonce.

GREAT MOMENTS IN TRAVEL: MATANZAS, CUBA


Varadero is a beautiful Caribbean tourist spot. But, as any Cuban will tell you, "Baradero ees no Cuba." To see the real Cuba, you have to get in a car and leave the tourist zones (it couldn't be safer; there are like two cops for every person). I saw many things on my road trip from Varadero to Havana, including several variations on this scene: children living in cinder-block "homes" with nothing but piles of dirt, a sinewy rooster and each other for company. And yet, always, smiling from ear to ear. Next time your children say "I'm bored," show them this photo and ask them to think about that sentence they just said.

Friday, 2 November 2012

CHRIS BROWN DRESSES AS TERRORIST FOR HALLOWEEN

WELL WHAT DID Y'ALL EXPECT?
Did you think I was going to dress up in some ugly
Mr. Rogers the Gay Mime getup like Kanye did?
(Click on There's a link for that.)

Photo: ImageCollect/CreStock 




And now it's time to announce the winner of the Which Celebrity Head Has the Most Air In It awards: The Halloween Edition. I'll be honest with you, this was a nail-biter. The competition was fierce, what with Kelsey Grammer bringing his 3-month-old to a booze-up at the Playboy Mansion and some serious Kardashian-on-Kardashian battles for top spot. (Kim spent $2000 on an ugly white mermaid wig while her mom dressed up as Wonderwoman and tweeted a pic of her nipples. She came this close to winning.) 

However, after careful consultation with my panel of one (take a bow, Editor; thank you, now go away), we have a decision. And the award for this year's Which Celebrity Head Has the Most Air In It goes to . . . Chris "Breezy" Brown. 

Chris really needs no explaining. Whether it be clobbering his sweetheart, cheating on his rebound girlfriend, getting chipmunky in public washroom stalls or getting his entire head inked with ugly tatts that look like they might be the lick-and-press kind ... well, I think we all get where this is going.

But the highlight of this outstanding ouevre was his choice of Halloween getups. Chris showed up at a Halloween party last night dressed as a Taliban terrorist. Had he dressed up as Ike Turner and entered the room swinging at Rihanna, it would have been less distasteful.

EDITOR'S NOTE: WTF? Does this kid ever do anything right? Click here to see pix of Al-Breezy at tmz.com

CRUCIAL DATING TIPS (ACTUALLY JUST ONE TIP: AVOID)

LOVE STINKS (THE MASTER'S VERSION)  
While you ladies are out on your bad dates, 
this is the kind of hot fun I get up to at home. 
You know you're jealous...

It's Friday! Whoopee! 
I dimly remember a time when Friday was date night. I'm not sure when it became "Yay! Something's Gotta Give is on!" night, but that's what it is now. 
My time is precious and frankly, I would rather spend it sitting at home sticking pins in my eyes than going on a bad date. And there is almost no other kind of date. 
Who is to blame for this? I might be biased, but I'd say: Men.

Because I have a lot of friends who go on dates with men, and the things they tell me afterwards? Whoa. It makes you thankful God invented antibiotics.

Last week, for example, one of my friends called in a huff as she was getting ready for a date with some guy she'd met online. "Omigod, this dude has called me 15 times today. I'm sick to death of him and I haven't even met him yet!" Among the things that irked her were:  
A) he talked about himself B) he was already on his fourth beer C) he was calling from his mom's place (where I'm betting he lives) and told my friend his mother was being "a total b*tch."
At that one, my friend wisely cancelled. She stayed home, watched a movie and went to bed early. Welcome to my life, girlfriend.

Another friend was dating a man who seemed oddly elusive. He finally told her his ex was "still in the picture." Which is code for "we're sleeping together." He denied it, but then my friend called him and the ex answered. And started screaming at her for "hitting on" her man. 
Girlfriend: "I've got news for you, sister. That's NOT a man." Well played.

Then there was the guy who'd make elaborate plans and then break them at the last minute.
Him: "I was going to take you out to dinner to Scaramouche but then I got called in to work ..."
Him: "I was going to get tickets to the Madonna concert but then my dog got sick ...
Him: "I was going to fly us to Paris for the weekend but..."
Her: Dude, you don't get points for "was going to." You actually have to do the damn thing.

I could go on, but it's Friday; some of you have a hot date to get ready for. Which is great. Good for you! Don't let my negativity get you down. But if you could do me just one small favour? When If things go horribly (or even mildly) awry, email me ALL of the details. I enjoy nothing more than missing out on a bad date!

Editor's note: You really should have told me you were a man-hater before you hired me.
My  note: Shut the hell up and get back to editing, you obstreperous man-thing.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

DON'T TASE ME, BRO! ACTUALLY, YEAH. TASE ME!

HEY, SORRY ABOUT THAT TASER THING, BUDDY! 
That's how we roll here in Beverly Hills. Just be glad 
you didn't accidentally stray into LL Cool J's yard!

Alexandra Glen / Featureflash




Sooo unfair. How do talentless females get their lucky break in Hollywood? By doing for free what prostitutes have the sense to charge for: they make a sex tape.
How do talentless males get their lucky break in Hollywood? By getting drunk as a lemur, straying into Tom Cruise's backyard and getting the bejeebers tased out of them by police.

True, it stings a bit, it befuddles you for a spell, but it's not like thinking was your strong suit anyway. And in the end it will pay off because suddenly you will be FAMOUS! You'll be inundated with media offers. You'll be smiling and posing on every  gossip website in Amurrica like the delicious man-candy you always knew you were.

Yes, you'll have Taser burns the size of skid-marks on your back, but scars are sexy. And why did you leave your home in Australia anyway if not to have your tepid male-model fame goosed into mega-watt, American-style stardom? It'll be just like you'd always dreamed. (Except in your dream, there were no cops and no stun guns. But still ... totally worth it!)   

Editor's note: All characters and events in this post – even those based on real people and events – are entirely fictitious. It is pure coincidence that this is exactly what happened to Australian model/party boy Jason Sullivan on Sunday. Just as it is pure coincidence that he staggered onto Tom Cruise's lawn a nobody and staggered off a celebrity. Google "Jason Sullivan" and watch what pops up. For that kind of instant notoriety, I'd get liquored up and tased too. Alas, the only celebrity within crawling distance of my home is Ruby Dhalla. And I wouldn't trust that one to know when to STOP with a Taser...

OCTOMOM CHECKS SELF INTO REHAB: KIDS REJOICE

YOU WANT THE TRUTH? 
I'm not addicted to anything. I just needed 
a break from all those damn kids!
Photo: CreStock

Octomom Nadya Suleman has checked herself into rehab for a prescription drug problem, leaving her fourteen (!!!) children without a mom for an entire month. 
(Editor's note: Will they notice a difference?)  

A representative for Octomom  said three nannies will care for the kids after Nadya admitted herself into the Chapman House Drug Rehabilitation Center in 
Southern California. Nadya made the decision after acknowledging she has become dependent on the anti-anxiety drug Xanax, which she takes to "deal with stress." 
(Editor's note: You know what else is helpful in dealing with stress? NOT HAVING 14 friggin children!)

Her representative further noted that Nadya's goal is to "deal with her issues and make sure she is the best mother she can be.” 
(Editor's note: Perhaps she'll want to rethink that porn career then?

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

COURIC PLANS TO TACKLE THE WEIGHTY SUBJECTS

anizza/dreamstime.com 
 WHAT CAMILLA IS THINKING: 
By God, I wish they wouldn't make me
 sit beside this waif on our driveabouts. 
Makes me look like a right dirigible.

WHAT KATE IS THINKING:  
Just bloody marvelous. If Katie Couric sees me 
beside Old Bloaty, she'll start carrying on
 about my weight again, I just know it.
So it's official. Katie Couric gets my vote as Most Annoying Woman in America. And that is really saying something in a nation in which Snooki, Sarah Palin and Honey Boo Boo's mother are all in the running.
But Katie has made some recent remarks which, coupled with the fact that her voice is like a badger attack and she is paid millions to say age-inappropriate things like "What up with that?", gave her the clear edge she needed to clinch top spot.

In an interview with sheknows.com, Couric was asked who her "dream guest" would be for her new talk show, Katie. (Warning: Airs Mondays. Plan to be busy.)
Katie's response? 
"I think it would be really interesting to interview Kate Middleton because I think she has comported herself so well since she has been thrust in the limelight." 
Then her inner Couric perked up and made her add, "Although I think she needs to eat more because she's so thin."
Yes, well, that started out as a good answer, Katie. Shame about the tasteless non-sequitur. I think you can go ahead and pencil that "dream guest" of yours in for the 12th of Neverember. 

Editor's note: I'd enjoy watching the out-takes of that sheknows.com interview. I'm told she also said "I'd hold her down and make her eat crumpets and clotted cream, whatever that is. Cream on crumpets! What up with that?" and "Maybe even I would be too thin if I had to eat foods called Spotted Dick and Bangers and Mash. Or Toad in the Hole! What up with that?"

HOW MUCH FOR THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW?

'I BOUGHT A PUPPY? DAMN!'
I thought a Goldendoodle was like 
some kindaTwinkie cake or somethin'!
 Oh well, at least it was only $12 Gs...  

Photo/CreStock

Apparently Tameka Foster's divorce lawyers aren't doing their job properly. Because despite the protracted custody battle they're waging with her ex, Usher still has wads of cash to throw around on frivolous things like pets. Exhibit A: He just dropped $12,000 (yes, I have my zeroes right) on a friggin' Goldendoodle. And the only reason this doesn't make me apoplectic with disgust is that it was for charity. 

Usher outbid oodles of bidders at a Pencils for Promise fundraiser, with proceeds helping to build schools in impoverished nations. (Where I would hope that one of the first things they teach is that twelve thousand dollars is A LOT OF MONEY!)


In the euphoric moments after his winning bid, Usher did what every other celebrity does these days the instant a thought crosses their minds: he posted the news on Twitter: "All in the name of feline fun! It took me 2 years but I outbid everyone this year to bring Poppy home."

Let's, for a moment, ignore the fact that Usher doesn't know that "feline" means "cat" and concentrate on the fact that we need to start flooding his Twitter account with better names for his little Ush puppy. Cuz I reached my retching threshhold at "Goldendoodle." Asking me to stomach "Poppy" as well is just a little too much.


Editor's note: News flash for one Usher Raymond: That $12,000 puppy is going to pee all over your carpets just as thoroughly as a $50 mutt from the Humane Society would.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

LA SOFIA (IS IT HOT IN HERE OR DO I HAVE EBOLA?)

AY, CHICA, WHY YOU SHOWING 
ALL DEES PEECTURES OF ME?
You think it is eesy breesy 
being Sofia Vergara? Well 
you are right, it is. Jajajaja!
Photo/CreStock


I will start off by dutifully informing any men who may be reading this that this is just another boring Sofia Vergara post. If you wandered here by mistake, this is the part where you scratch your head (or whatever) and say "WTF? I thought this was a porn website... *click click click click * " 
A-a-a-a-a-and...they're gone. 

No what this is, people, is a frivolous, time-wasting celebrity gossip/relationships/girl stuff blog. There is no porn involved. (Unless you consider Kris Jenner "accidentally" flashing her 56-year-old nipples porn. Cuz I don't. I consider that early-onset dementia and would seriously consider having her and her entire brood committed had I only that kind of power.) 

But back to Sofia. The Colombian beauty spent the weekend hunting for a love nest with her adorable 6'3" businessman fiance, Nick Loeb. The couple visited apartments in NYC's West Village and Midtown, and check out how Sofia dressed for the occasion. Some people would wear Crocs, others, maybe Birkenstocks. You know. Something comfy. This is not the time to be a sexpot. Unless you are Sofia Vergara and you JUST CAN"T HELP YOURSELF. Click here on Ay Carumba

Sheesh. The only thing missing there is the skimpy bikini top, tousled hair and Latina bedroom eyes. Every one of which, coincidentally, this next photo has in spades. Click on Muy Caliente!

I'm sorry. That was completely gratuitous and inappropriate. I really hope you'll forgive me. It's Monday and I'm bored. But not as bored as Sofia appears to be in this photo. Click on ManCandy! I love how her fiance is all "Aw, are you tired and pouty wouty? It's OK, you can lean on my big hairy sexy man chest..."  
OK, that one was pretty gratuitous too. I'll stop now. I promise. Just this one last one of Sofia, completely naked, lying spread-eagled on a bearskin rug ...
AHA! Caught you! 
I knew some of you guys were still here.

CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS? HMM, LET ME THINK. NO.

You can be my boyfriend, my friend or my ex. Choose one.

I don't really get the expression "friends with benefits."  They all have benefits, or else why would they be friends? (What? Oh, that kind of benefits ... well, never mind then.) 
But what I don't get even more than that are "friends with exes." 
How is this even possible?

I’ve known a few people who are friends with their exes. 

I've known people who call their exes to talk about their new lover. And not in the Carrie-and-Big "I'm telling you in the hope that you'll be jealous" way, but just as a friend. 
One of my girlfriends is on better terms with her ex than I ever was with any of my husbands. (Yes, I said "husbands," plural. Please refer to the disclaimer portion of this blog, where I specifically note that I am not perfect.)
I’ve even known one couple who divorced, then SHE  married his brother and HE married a younger woman, and now they all hang out together and have dinner and stuff. 
How weird is that? 
I mean, aside from the relationships that yield kids you’ll both have to parent for 24 years or whatever . . . those suckers are staying longer in the nest every year; soon it'll be the parents who are expected to leave so the kids can finally have the house to themselves  . . . once it’s over, it's over.

As for me, I don't talk to any of the men I once shared my life with anymore. To me, this makes fundamental sense. I refer to you as the “ex.” To continue to consort with you would be contradictory and confusing to me, my friends, my kids, my vagina and my new boyfriend, if I had one. If I were able to carry on a civil conversation with you and give a rat's ass about how your life was going, why would we have split up in the first place? 

Of course, there's a chance that I am wrong and that the people who are capable of ex-friending are just better than me. 
Right. You're right. That's ridiculous, and I'm sticking with my original theory. So, my next ex-husband, wherever you are: you've been warned.

THE WHITE KNIGHT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE CHAD!

HEY! YOU! I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND! 
And my boyfriend doesn't like her either. 
 And your costume sucks, cuz everyone 
knows Chaddie doesn't drink 
Jack Daniels, he drinks vodka
Photo: CreStock




This is a disturbing day. A day I thought would never come. Perhaps this portends the end of the world. Perhaps Hurricane Sandy has blown my tiny brain out over the Eastern Seaboard and the particles left behind have confusedly seized on this incident as BIG NEWS!

What has happened is that Chad Kroeger, Chad Kroeger of friggin NICKELBACK, has earned my grudging respect. Not for proposing to Avril Lavigne ... are you kidding me? I can't wait till their wedding night when he peels back the sk8tr gear and finds out he married a singing ferret! No, what I'm talking about is the fact that Chad has defended his bride's honour and cracked a pretty damn good joke at the same time. 

It started when Avril's ex, rocker Deryck Whibley of Sum 41, and his model girlfriend Ari Cooper dressed up as Avril and Chad for a Halloween party. Whibley wore a streaked blond wig and heavy eye makeup, while Ari wore a curly wig and Jack Daniels T-shirt.
The stunt didn't go unnoticed by Kroeger, who promptly swiped back on Twitter: "Hey Deryck loved the costumes! We were going to dress up as you guys this year but all the parties had celebrity themes!"

After checking the weather forecast to see whether, in fact, hell had frozen over, I had to admit to a grudging admiration.

Here's the link to the pic that stirred Chad's manly wrath, at Chavril-ish. And may I just say, not only is Deryck one unattractive Avril, but his girlfriend is an even less attractive Chad. Also, is this just a bad angle, Deryck, or is your girlfriend really 10 whole inches taller than you? Cuz if so, guess what? Chad and Avril actually make a cuter couple than you two do.

And now I have to go and lie down, because my head feels funny and the world just doesn't make sense anymore.

Monday, 29 October 2012

IF ONLY WE'D TRIED THAT ON HURRICANE KATRINA

 lindsay lohan, terry richardson photos, hurricane sandy, celebrity tweets, whorrified,
PERSONALIZED WEATHER FORECAST
Gale-force winds capable of blowing in one ear, 
through empty head, and out the other.
Photo: CreStock 



Could all you dark auras quit jabbering about stupid Hurricane Sandy now because Lindsay Lohan finds that boring and also, frankly, kind of  "negative." Not as negative as running out of cigarettes or as posing for photos with a gun in your mouth, but still.

The one and only LiLo took to Twitter to chide people for going on and on and on about Sandy as if it were some kind of lethal frankenstorm wreaking havoc on a world superpower. 
"WHY is everyone in SUCH a panic about hurricane (i’m calling it Sally)..? Stop projecting negativity! Think positive and pray for peace."
So I guess what she's saying is we should VISUALIZE the destruction away. The power of positive thinking, that's what's needed here. Oh, and maybe some Vicodin. Yeah. Wouldn't say no to some Vicodin right now.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I dislike negative thinking too, so let me just say that I don't know what meds Freckles is on but whatever they are, I'm positive she's gone off them.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

YOU MESS WITH CARRIE, YOU'RE MESSIN' WITH ME!

THAT'S OUR GIRL 
Carrie: There is no substitute. 

Photo: Henry Harris/Featureflash


No, no, no, no, no, no, a thousand times, no. In no way is this a good idea. In no way is this going to work. In no way is this a permissible whoring of my beloved Carrie and even more beloved Sex and the City. Some things are just sacred. Carrie being one of them, and Sex and the City being another.

SATC is not The Young and the Restless. You can't just sub in completely different people and then be all, "What? No, it's Carrie! When she was younger!" Because if you do that, we will instantly know that you don't get it, that you are not one of us and therefore that no stupid show you have cooked up could possibly be worth watching. So we won't watch it.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
 
In case you hadn't heard, there's a new show afoot entitled The Carrie Diaries. It stars a young woman who looks nothing like Carrie Bradshaw would ever have looked who plays Carrie at 16 (see photo, right). Here's the premise: When you get old, you dry up. And so does the money your show generated. So ... hang on, I've just been poked in the eye with a sharp stick by the crack publicity team at The Carrie Diaries. Here is what I was SUPPOSED to say: 
It's 1984, young Carrie's mom has died, she's got a rebellious sister, an overwhelmed dad, a stereotypical crew of friends and a boring life in Connecticut. Her dad offers her a job at a law firm in Manhattan, she  moves to NYC, and as we all know, the greatest love affair in TV history begins. (And I don't understand how suddenly she's headed for a career in law, but I at least understand her booking it out of Connecticut because it sounds so boring even I was thinking about taking that job.)

Why is this even being allowed? Oh. Right. Money. 
The only thing, the ONLY thing that makes this sacrilege even remotely tolerable is that it might save the shitreous SATC2 movie from going down in history as the most shameful sequel ever. 
And if you ask me, that's too high a price to pay to let them mess with our memories...

Editor's note: I'd shut up now if I were you. Cuz here they come again with that sharp stick.
 

MILEY, DEAR, THAT IS NOT WHY GOD GAVE YOU SKIN

TATTOOS: THEY'RE NOT 
JUST FOR BIKERS ANYMORE!

 Photo: CreStock

Miley Cyrus has grown bored of butchering her hair and tweeting banal messages to the world and has taken up a much more intelligent hobby: public-service tattoos. Yes, the young star has begun inking deep presidential thoughts on her arm. 
(I used to do this before exams in university until I ran out of arm space. To this day, you can ask me almost anything about first year psychology, fine arts or women's studies, and I can roll up my sleeve and give you the answer in seconds.) 

What's even cuter is that her fiance, Liam Hemsworth, has now followed suit with a nonsensical tat of his own. Again with the presidential quotes. 
Hey you two, know what I think? I think you need to tattoo something else on your arms. Reminders, perhaps. Bits of homely advice, such as "Do something useful with my money" or "This will all be illegible when my skin is 80 years old."

You know, if you have so much money and time that you run out of sensible ways to spend it, you should be forced to donate it to a worthy cause. I'm going to have that tattooed on my left buttock and see if I can persuade Obama to think about it...

INK-OMPREHENSIBLE: Miley's latest of 16 tatts is a quote from a Teddy Roosevelt speech. It reads:so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” Which is in no way reconcilable with someone who rose to fame as Hannah Montana.