SJP: NOTHING COMES BETWEEN ME AND MY FACE MAKER!

Hollywood Reporter, November 2012
 SJP with her light-fingered makeup artist. 
(Psst, SJP: Watch your back pocket! 
She'll pick it clean before the flash 
has even gone off!)

You'd think being a well-paid assistant to one of the biggest stars in Hollywood would be a seriously good gig. Better than being the bagel girl at Dunkin Donuts. Better than being the produce girl at Piggly Wiggly. And certainly better than being the babysitter for Octomom.

But apparently this is not the case. Apparently being the makeup artist for Sarah Jessica Parker is just NOT ENOUGH for some people. Because SJP is currently having her good name dragged through the mud by a thieving staffer who is willing to let SJP take the hit for her light fingered-ness.

On Thursday, SJP's longtime staffer Leslie "Sticky Fingers" Lopez allegedly swiped a pair of $1400 sunglasses from a kiosk at an airport in Norway. Security officers nabbed her and delayed the flight for more than an hour while Lopez ran the gamut of excuses from "It weren't me" to "I thought SJP paid for them!" 

In the ensuing humiliatory press coverage, SJP's publicity team at first denied having any knowledge of this woman. But then it became clear that in fact she had been painting on SJP's nose minimizer for, oh, a decade or so, knew SJP well and had maybe even partied at her home (SJP: "Well that explains the missing monogrammed salad tongs!"). 

Now, further damning evidence is coming to light via surveillance video. Namely that this trusted assistant, known for her light touch on makeup, is also known for her light touch on paying for things. And by things  I mean sunglasses. And lipstick. And ... well, in short, this bitch doesn't pay for ANYTHING.

So far, SJP has stood by Lopez, and I'd like to think this says something about her loyalty. But in fact I suspect it says something about her face. Because I can't help wondering . . . just how bad does she look without makeup that she'll cover for a kleptomaniac because she gives good spackle? 

LIL KIM WISHES YOU A VERY SCARY CHRISTMAS!

GEE, THANKS. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE . . .
Worried that her fans might have forgotten her
 since she stopped recording decent music and 
took up extreme surgerying, Lil Kim hit on a brilliant 
comeback strategy: creepy Christmas cards! 
 

 

Poor weird Lil Kim. She just hasn't been the same since she went and got her ENTIRE HEAD AND BODY made over into Jocelyn Wildenstein's terrifying likeness.

Does anyone remember what Lil Kim used to look like before she went on a surgery bender? No. 
Not even Lil Kim remembers that. 
Does anyone remember that she used to be the Queen B, the platinum goddess of hip-hop? Yes. Nicki Minaj remembers, and laughs her butt implants off every time she records a new hit single in Kim's fading memory.

On the plus side, Lil Kim did remember that the holidays are upon us. (Sadly, she appears unsure of which holiday it is, although she's clearly leaning towards a Day of the Dead theme.) Kim has launched a muddled "12 Days Of Christmas" card campaign and promises to share a new card every day between now and the blessed birthday of Christ our Lord.  

Her first card, shared with fans yesterday on Twitter, shows Kim surrounded by presents as she creeps, bat-like, down the stairs, sporting a massive bouffant and looking like she is about to bite the head off the Virgin Mary. Who is trapped in Rapunzel's tower in Transylvania. With the three little vampire pigs.

Yes, well, er, thank you for the lovely card, Kim. You've really captured the spirit of the season, here! I won't be able to sleep tonight worrying that this succubus is going to pounce on me in my bed and suck the blood out of my veins, but if I wake up and am still alive, you can be sure the first thing I will do is check your Twitter account to see what today's festive message is! 

Yes of course I really mean that! Why wouldn't I mean that?
(Note to self: Block Lil Kim on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, everything. And hang garlic bulbs over all doorways/windows. You can never be too careful...)

Editor's note: Oh, I don't know. I'd rather this than another fat Santa card. Follow Kim on Twitter @LilKim, to find out what she gives out for the 11 remaining days.

YOU'D BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU'D BETTER NOT CRY

Where is this, you ask? Sorry, can't tell you. Top secret. (Brampton, Ontario)

Moving on to yet another Brampton street for our festive Neighbourhood Shaming series, we have this knockout effort that really puts the rest of the homes on its street to shame. Notice how the entire perimeter of the garage door has been lovingly festooned with jolly washed-out lights that just scream "Christmas."

Little Johnny: Dad, are those our Christmas lights?
Dad: Of course they're our Christmas lights.

Little Johnny: Oh.They don't look like Christmas lights.
Dad: *getting testy* Whaddaya mean? 

Little Johnny: Well they're not coloured.
Dad: So what? They're lights.

Little Johnny: But they're not fancy.
Dad: THEY'RE LIGHTS! *cups hands around mouth, bellows for wife* Junie! Come get your kid!

Little Johnny: *lowering brows mulishly* Those are the same lights you put up for the barbecue last summer and never took down. Santa isn't going to like that!
Dad: Yeah, well you know what else Santa don't like? Santa don't like wisenheimers! Now beat it before I tell him what a little shit you've been all year!

Little Johnny: *running away* Mo-o-om! Daddy called me a little shit!

ANNE HATHAWAY ACCIDENTALLY GOES COMMANDO

Anne Hathaway sure knows how to boost a movie premiere. The Les Miserables star, apparently still in character as Fantine the hooker, arrived at the movie’s premiere wearing nothing but a sexy gown, bondage boots and a smile. Which quickly turned into a gasp. 

Because although the bondage boots were supposed to have stolen the show, her crotch upstaged them by flashing itself AGAINST ANNE'S WISHES while she was exiting the limo for her red carpet moment. And, well, there's no point wearing bondage boots once you’ve put that out there. You might as well be wearing Crocs, because nobody, but NOBODY, is going to be looking at your feet.

Anne is reportedly devastated by the slip. And so are the Les Miz publicity crew. Just DEVASTATED. Because people can’t stop talking about it and Googling it and ogling it and it’s all just been awful for Les Miz business. (Which btw is the dreariest, most depressing piece of shit musical I’ve ever seen and if the movie is any better it will be a miracle. But I digress. Somewhat.) 
However, one must try to be positive. So: what's the lesson here, Anne? Maybe just that, since this accidental vajay-jay flash has happened to so many others before you, you should know by now that if you go commando the paps are going to be waiting for your happy place to make an appearance. In fact, maybe that should be the first thing that crosses your mind when you decide to skip the undies.

And if you still want to take that chance, perhaps you should have an assistant whose sole job it is to follow you around all night shrieking “VAGINA!” “VAGINA!” every time you're on the verge of doing something pornographic. 
Unless, of course, you meant to accidentally flash your perfectly shaved fun muffin all along. In which case, bravo! Bull's eye!

Editor's note: Anyone want to see the shocking bondage boots et cetera? No? Thought not. Don't click here then. 

JUSTIN BIEBER'S MAN-BERRIES ARE SAFE . . . FOR NOW

WHAT, ME WORRY? 
Have you seen my bodyguard?  
Anyone who wants my privates will 
have to get past THIS GUY first. 
Photo/CreStock

The effeminate singers of the world heaved a collective sigh of relief yesterday when police apprehended two of the stupidest criminals ever. 

These two geniuses, fresh out of the big house, were allegedly on a mission to castrate and murder Canada's own wee Justin Bieber, who never hurt a fly, goddamit! (Thought suddenly occurs to me: 'But how do you castrate someone who doesn't even have . . . well, never mind. The lad's still intact, that's all that matters!') 

News outlets report that the criminals ... "mastermind" Dana Martin (who has a tattoo of the Biebs on his leg?!?) and "helpmeet" Mark Aaron Stake ...were hoping to carry out this dastardly plan in November when Biebs was playing Madison Square Garden. 
These dudes were serious. But also, alas, stupid.

How do I know they were stupid?
For starters, their weapon of choice: "Durasharp" brand garden clippers. Please! Nail clippers would have sufficed; it's all about the right tools.
Secondly, the mastermind's "signature" token to be left behind: a paisley scarf.  

Ooooooooh, scary! Dude, why not just leave a roll of bubblegum-flavoured lip gloss at the scene of the crime. They must have just LOVED you in the big house!

And, lastly and most tellingly, the bounty set on the Biebs' privates was $2,500 per testicle. Jesus Christ. It's Justin bloody Bieber, top-grossing singing sensation in the U.S.A.! You can't set the bar a little higher? DO I HEAR $5,000 per testicle!
Justin, my boy, I wouldn't waste two seconds of precious nap time worrying about these two buffoons ever making good on their plan. You and your man-berries are safe. I can pretty much guarantee it.

Editor's note: Hmm. The killer had a tattoo of Justin on his leg? This is classic, conflicted love; a homoerotic crime, if you will.
My note: It is so disturbing that you would even know that.

KIM KARDASHIAN HAS HAD A HELL OF A WEEK!

 A SOMBRE KIM KARDASHIAN 
IN TRADITIONAL MOURNING GARB 
Well I know. It's not that traditional. But it's black 
 and you can't see any cleavage, so for her 
this is practically sackcloth and ashes.
Steve Vas/Featureflash

You think your day is going badly? Well did your cat just die? Because Kim Kardashian's cat just died and she tells the poor sad losers who follow her blog that she is "COMPLETELY HEARTBROKEN." Which is much, much more painful than being partially heartbroken. Hurts real bad.

And before you conclude that I am a cold heartless cat-hating witch, let me add that it wasn't really her cat. Kanye gave it to her as the super-cutest widdle giftie wiftie, but Kim doesn't do nurturing is allergic to stinky cats and so she swiftly regifted it to someone she barely knows: her sister's assistant. And also it wasn't a cat, it was an overbred four-month-old teacup Persian kitten that wasn't right from the get-go. But still. Totally devastated. Totally ... *sniffs. looks at watch. yawns* "OK. I'm all better now."

In happier Kim Kardashian news, she appears to be on tolerating terms again with former BFF turned mortal enemy Paris Hilton. The two were spotted within clawing distance of each other in the same club twice in the past week and neither went home on crutches. I am submitting this as my nomination for the Christmas Miracle of 2012.

WOMAN UNJUSTLY HARASSED FOR NOT WEARING PANTS

Rihanna is one of many women who 
do not like to wear pants. Which is fine,
 it's cool, it's totally normal behaviour. 
But she had better stay the 
hell out of Lindsay, Ontario . . .

 A friend sent me this little news item about a poor innocent woman being abused by police during a RIDE check. (*Warning: This item is going to seem weird to people who aren't from around here, but that's just how we roll in Ontario. Livin' on the naked edge, baby!*)
So basically, the Durham Region News (whose name is usually a bit of an oxymoron) says a 21-year-old woman is facing charges after a RIDE stop at about 2 a.m. in Lindsay. The hawk-eyed law officers noticed that the female driver was not wearing pants, suspected booze was involved and "investigated" her. 
 
I mean really.

I love how they just ASSUME the woman was intoxicated! Maybe she just doesn’t like to wear pants. Some of us happen to get that. (See related link on the time I couldn’t answer my own door because … I don’t like to wear pants!)

So the bastards charged her and she has to appear in court on Jan. 3. And I hope she doesn't forget her pants that day because, as we can see, they are living in the 1800s in Durham Region and a woman could get hanged for that.

Editor's note: Was there anyone in the car with her?
My note: Just some guy with pants on his head.

TWEET NOTHINGS FROM OUR FUTURE LEADERS

"WHAT? I KNOW THAT HEIFER 
DID NOT JUST CALL ME STUPID!"
 Beyonce reacts to the news that talk show host 
Wendy Williams says she "sounds like she has a 
fifth-grade education."  (I was not aware that 
Wendy Williams has a death wish.)
Photo/CreStock
 

You may have been watching last week when talk show host Wendy Williams painted a bull's eye on her forehead and said, "Here, Jay-Z. Right between the eyes." Figuratively speaking of course.

Because what Wendy did was basically call his wife, America's R&B sweetheart Beyonce, a fifth-grade dimwit who "sounds dumb when she talks."
Wendy was instantly booed and, facing an outpouring of indignation, had to backpedal like crazy.
However. However ... she was on to something.

Not so much about Beyonce, who actually doesn't sound like a dimwit at all, but about pretty much everyone else in show business.
From Rihanna to Lil Wayne to Paris Hilton, the coming wave of pop-culture influencers sound like they were dropped out of a plane into the remotest corner of Cameroon. On their head. At age 7.
They sound barely literate, they communicate in a primitive form of textspeak and when they can't think of the right word, they simply insert "da shit," "da bomb" or "fo reels." 

And yes, I "get it." I get that this is the verbal equivalent of walking around with your arse hanging out of your jeans and your boxers showing. It's meant to sound stupid and uneducated and thug.
Alas, my suspicion is that it is very convenient that it is meant to sound that way, because in fact these kids couldn't write a proper sentence if their lives depended on it.
My suspicion is that they barely understand themselves, let alone what anyone says in response.
My suspicion is that that shearling-clad monkey who got loose in IKEA on Sunday could pound maniacally on the keyboard of any cellphone and send out a more intelligent text message than the ones coming from our hot young stars.

Let me give you a couple of "for instances" of actual Twitter messages these stars have sent. It is only by sheer iron will that I have refrained from responding to every one of these with "STOP TWEETING AND GO READ A BOOK, YOU GODDAM ILLITERATE!"
(There. It's official. I am a crotchety old bat. And now I have to go yell at the neighbourhood kids to get off my lawn.)

Lil Wayne WEEZY F ‏@LilTunechi
Was gunna present the gold medal for sk8 vert at X Games but I kinda got played so I dipped but I be bak 2mor!! & props to the winner!! 

Wiz Khalifa ‏@RealWizKhalifa
Ate shit and payed for it. Norfolk wuss hatnin

Miley Ray CyrusVerified ‏@MileyCyrus
fuck twitter posers. honestly. so lame. thinking your talking to friends to find its a stranger. AIN'T YO MAMA ER WARNED YA
 
Paris Hilton ‏@ParisHilton
"No, no, I didn't go to England; I went to London. 
 
Shaquille O’Neill 
Even the aliens no me, da ones real far, i speak to em like ibadablaa, Jigamagla, bockeraaa.

Kate Gosselin ‏@Kateplusmy8
Hellloooo!My am is well on it's way!Looking 4ward 2 2day.Lots 2get dun be4 r wkend.Shld hav sum X 2 tweet 2dayso checkin w/ ?'s

Editor's note: I just got a text from the IKEA monkey. He writes: "compared to that i am a rhodes scholer!" Stupid monkey. He spelled "scholar" wrong.

'TIS THE SEASON FOR CHRISTMAS WHORRORS

How many more days till Christmas? Fourteen? Thank goodness, because I don't know how much more of this I can take. Yes, my tour of neighbourhood decorating whorrors continues and will continue to continue until December 24th, (or until one of my neighbours comes out and whacks me with a machete for taking pictures of his front yard). 

Today, we have a particularly gruesome display. As you can see, someone decided it would be jolly to string Christmas lights on top of the collection of concrete statues that lines his driveway. Which might not be so bad if he hadn't winterized them first by smothering them in industrial grade polyethylene. 
I have christened this display the Walk of Festive Christmas Stumps. Santa is SO not going anywhere near this sicko's house on Christmas Eve.

I LOVE YOU! I HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU! YOU SUCK!

RIHANNA TWEETED THIS PHOTO OF HERSELF
with a disembodied tattooed arm (believed to have once belonged to Chris Brown) the day after tweeting "Goodbye muthaf**ker." In the words of the immortal Brown, that was when "she mad." But "she ok" now. Maybe tomorrow, "she mad" again. You just take it a day at a time . . .

I'll say one thing for Rihanna, the girl doesn't hold a grudge. Even when she should. At least not when it comes to Chris Brown.
In the endless train wreck that is her relationship with one of the most damaged young men in the industry, Rihanna has been see-sawing between love and hate for weeks now. Last week, it was "love," as she tweeted that she was on her "big ole private jet" en route to visit him in Berlin. By Friday night, it was "hate" when she learned Chris's ex, Karrueche Tran, was accompanying him to Dubai for his upcoming concert gig. An outraged Rihanna tweeted: "Goodbye muthaf**ker."  

By Saturday, the lovely bouquet of flowers he didn't send had arrived and Rihanna was tweeting, “Damn……. I miss my n***a #thuglife #BFFlife,” which I'm just going to go ahead and assume means, "Sorry, forgot for a moment that you are dirty boots and I am a doormat. Carry on!" 

Noticeably missing from this one-sided pouting match is any kind of public response from Chris Brown. Of course, the little charmer took down his Twitter account last week after his obscene rant against a journalist prompted disgust and guffaws. So maybe he has actually learned something. 
Then again, maybe he's just too busy with Karrueche to even turn on his phone. 
Anyway, whatever the answer is, I'm sure we'll find out all about it later tonight, when Rihanna tweets, "I SAID GOODBYE MUTHAF**KER! LEAST YOU COULD DO IS ANSWER ME JERK! XOXO ... ON MY WAY!" 

Editor's note: Remember a few months ago when Jay-Z warned Chris to be good to Rihanna or else? I'm thinking it's time to break out the "or else."

DEMI GETS DOWN AND DIRTY WITH INVISIBLE BOYFRIEND

YOOHOO! VITO? HAS ANYBODY SEEN VITO?
My new boyfriend, Vito? No, seriously, 
where's Vito? I NEED VITO!
 Photo/CreStock 

Demi Moore seems to be adjusting well to hitting the half-century mark and being dumped by Ashton Kutcher. Her decision to move on to an even younger man, 26-year-old Vito Schnabel, was just the ticket. True, you never actually see the two of them together anywhere, ever, but the rumours keep leaking out that they've been spotted "grinding all over each other" at various events at which heavy drinking was involved, so I'm pretty sure this is the real thing.

Vito is kind of hard to get a bead on. He looks like a street fighter who might occasionally snort enough cocaine to fill his entire head, but I am being asked to believe that he is a sophisticated art dealer. The kind of art dealer who is an art dealer because his father is famous painter Julian Schnabel, but who doesn't actually deal much art because he's far too busy getting loaded and grinding all over celebrity cougars. Demi's is not the first well-cured hide he has cuddled up to; Vito has also dated Elle McPherson, 49, Liv Tyler, 35, and Betty White. (Oh, wait. Sorry. Not that last one. That was just a one-night stand.) 

On the weekend, media outlets reported Demi was seen dirty dancing and "getting down" in Miami with new beau Vito, yet every photo showed her with a sheepish Lenny Kravitz. Hmm. 

Oh well. I'm sure Vito was lurking in the background, just waiting for the liquor to kick in so he could forget how embarrassing Demi looked while warming up to grind all over him. 
But don't take my word for it, click through the eye-popping photos in the links below. Forget reading between the lines, the whole story is RIGHT THERE, right in front of you. Click on:

1) Lenny: Where the hell is that Vito guy? 

2) Lenny: Girl you need to stop that.  

3) Demi: Vito! Vito? Dude, hurry! I'm ready!

4) Vito: Maybe this will wash the taste of last night out of my body!


Editor's note: Coincidentally, while mom was twerkin' in Miami, her daughter Rumer, PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AGE AS VITO SCHNABEL, sent out an Instagram of herself tucked in bed with one of her dogs. Click on I'll just let the photo supply the scathing irony for me.

MONKEY ON THE LOOSE IN IKEA. THANKS A LOT, MONKEY!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT, LADY? 
Shouldn't you be shopping or 
wrapping presents or something? 
Photo/CreStock

I am the biggest procrastinator ever. How many days left till Christmas and I've barely even started to get ready. (That's a huge lie. "Barely even started" would mean I had actually done something.) You know how bad it is? This afternoon, a tiny rhesus macaque, nattily attired in a shearling coat, was on the loose at an IKEA store in Toronto. At first, everyone thought it was just Chris Kattan and kept shopping. But then they realized, "WTF? It's a teeny tiny monkey!"  
The whole city was talking about it. It was on the news. It was "trending" on Twitter: Holy crap! A monkey! In a coat! In IKEA!  
But me? My first reaction was: "Holy crap! A monkey! In a coat! In IKEA! He's obviously doing his Christmas shopping. EVEN A MONKEY HAS MORE SENSE THAN I DO!" 
Little shit totally ruined my day. 

Click here for pictures of  the devil-primate on his short-lived shopping spree.

WEIGHT WATCHERS ENRAGED BY JESSICA'S FERTILITY

JUST MONTHS AGO, CHUBBY JESS WAS 
WEIGHT WATCHERS' DREAM COME TRUE. 
Then the selfish bitch had to go and ruin it all 
with her out-of-control mothering urges.

I smell burning fat. Weight Watchers is said to be sizzling mad at Jessica Simpson for having the dirty nerve to get knocked up while she was supposed to be starving herself down to a marketable version of herself.

Jess, who packed on a porking 70 pounds in her pregnancy, recently scored a $4 million contract with Weight Watchers.
But she's been blowing it from the get-go.
In her first weight-loss ad, the Weight Watchers gestapo ruled she still looked too fat and insisted she only be filmed from the waist up. Which is hilarious, because that's where all her weight is! 

And then Jess dropped a whole lotta pounds, started looking hottalicious enough to convince Weight Watchers that maybe they DIDN'T just throw $4 million out the drive-thru window, and BAM. Oopsie! Giggle! Jess announces she's pregnant again. Just seven months after giving birth to her first child. (And she's totally confused because she didn't even realize you could get pregnant that way! "Like, I mean, I kept my eyes closed the whole time, so ... how did the baby even get in?")

Now Weight Watchers says the second ad is probably useless too, because who wants to hear a pregnant woman yapping about dieting? Well, it would seem the simple solution would be to put the contract on hold until Fertile Myrtle gives birth to baby No. 2. Or just find another celebrity struggling with weight issues.
 
Editor's note: Good luck finding one of those in Hollywood.