Saturday, 29 December 2012

THE RUMOURS ARE TRUE: JANET JACKSON IS STILL HOT

Janet Jackson, 46, tweeted this beautifully airbrushed, oddly timed card 
two days after Christmas. Because . . . well, just because.
: 
So here is what we cannot confirm about Janet Jackson: 
  • That she is engaged to a Qatari billionaire 10 years her junior.
  • That he gave her a rock that would choke a camel.
  • That she is going to be a judge on X-Factor.
  • That she has had work done.

And here is what we can pretty much guarantee about Janet Jackson:
  • That she is engaged to a Qatari billionaire 10 years her junior.
  • That he gave her a rock that would choke a camel.
  • That she is going to be a judge on X-Factor.
  • That she has had work done. 

Because this is how publicity works in Hollywood these days. (It used to be sex tapes, but Hulk "The Fossil" Hogan ruined that one for everybody.) You get your rep to leak tantalizing gossip, you appear on Anderson Cooper to coyly refuse to confirm the gossip, and poof: it is so. It is no coincidence that Janet has suddenly resurfaced from whatever fitness club-slash-cosmetic surgery spa she's been hiding out in, looking like two million bucks and wishing us all Season's Greetings (two days AFTER Christmas).
Personally, I couldn't care less whether any of the rumours are true. I'm just thankful that she didn't flash those legendary abs in her Merry Publicitymas card . . . because no one needs to see those this soon after the holiday chowdown.


RICHARD SIMMONS FINALLY GETS VISITORS. AND THEN ...

"Yes I got hit by a car, but I'm still alive, bitches!"

Have you been wondering what '80s fitness guru Richard Simmons has been up to lately? Our more crone-ish readers will remember a time when you couldn't turn on the television without seeing Richard and his mesmerizingly hairless legs and his permed hair and his striped satin booty shorts prancing all over your screen. It was the kind of creepy you just couldn't look away from.

Which is why I give the reckless driver who ran over poor Richard RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS OWN HOME yesterday some leniency. Because I think if I were driving down the street and saw Richard Simmons standing there in the 64-year-old flesh I might lose control for a moment myself.

So what happened was, Richard was standing outside his Hollywood home talking to tour bus passengers. I'm thinking the conversation was going something like this:

"Well hellooooooooo! Isn't this thrilling! You've brought a tour bus to visit my home!"
"No actually we're lost. Can you tell us how to get to Justin Bieber's house?"
"Oh that is HILARIOUS! Well I'm just so thrilled! *scans perplexed crowd* Ma'am I hope you don't mind that I see you have a little muffin top going on there. I have just the ... "
"Sir, we're kind of on a tight schedule. Could you just point us in the ... whoa, watch out for that crazy driver!"
"Aaaaaaggghhhh! Ow! I'm fine! I'm okay! Ow! I think he broke my whole foot! No, don't go! Stay! I'm fine, really!"

The important thing is that this bizarre incident did not end in Richard's demise. And that he is still thin. Click here to watch the tmz video in which Richard Simmons, who appears to have turned into an elderly female elf, cheats death.

Friday, 28 December 2012

I'D RATHER GO NAKED THAN WEAR UGLY CLOTHES

Have you heard about the nutter who's vandalizing fur coats in Holt Renfrew by smearing them with Vaseline? I was not aware that fur will be ruined if it gets petroleum jelly on it. (There go my New Year's Eve plans . . .)

Anyway, I hope the smearer isn't reading this right now, because she will be very distressed to hear that this hot-ass number was, hands down, my favourite Christmas present this year. 
Gifted to me by my baby brother, it is made of 100 per cent real leopard fur, trimmed with 100 per cent real domestic shorthaired cat fur and lined with Darwin, the IKEA monkey. 

I can hear the lid on her Vaseline jar opening from here in Brampton!

Here's a link to the story about the do-gooder who thinks ruining a couple of jackets will save the coyotes. It's right up there with PETA's lettuce-brained gesture of donating 30 fur coats to the homeless TO TEACH EVERYBODY A LESSON! About . . . uh, how bad fur is? Or something.

BRITNEY HAS BAD LUCK ... AND BAD TASTE

BRITNEY AND K-FED IN 2004
Brit is holding K-Fed's younger, 
smaller-penised brother, C-Fed. 
Or maybe a chihuahua. Not sure 
which, but I do know they 
both have small penises. 
Photo/CreStock


And from our "breeding will tell" files, we have this delightful dysfunctional family vignette from the soiled Spears-Federline gene pool. Because Britney isn't having a bad enough day yet, teetering as she is on the brink of being fired as a judge on X-Factor.

Let me set up this story by sharing a little-known fact: Britney's ex, K-Fed, has a younger brother named Chris. A younger brother who looks EXACTLY like him; in fact the only way you can tell them apart is that C-Fed has a smaller penis and is even more of a scumbag than K-Fed is.
So anyway, Fed the younger has filed a restraining order against Britney because she laughed at his small penis. He says Britney recently stole his Capital One card (and I'm sure his fantastic credit limit enabled her to go on a bacchanalian spree consisting of two packs of gum and some chewin' tabacky). When he confronted her, he says, she laughed at him and told him he "has a small penis."

And how would she know this, one might ask? C-Fed is happy to supply the obvious answer.

The reason Britney knows this is because he slept with her, while she was married to his brother and he was married to some other poor woman, and he is in fact the father of her older son. And while he is okay with multiple layers of infidelity and shagging his own brother's wife, he draws the line at petty theft. (Cuz, bitch, you know he needed that credit card to pay his weed man!)

C-Fed tells the National Enquirer that Britney "blackmailed" him by saying that if he told the police she nicked his card, she would tell the world he is Sean Preston's real father. 

"I do confess I slept with Britney and I am the true father, but the public does not need to know," he brayed ... to a gossip magazine with a worldwide circulation of about 1 million. All of them mildly retarded, mind you, but still. Word gets out ...

Editor's Note: This is soooo disturbing. I mean, why would a man tell the world that he has a small penis?

My note: That's what you got out of this?
Editor's note: Well, that and the infidelity and the theft and the illegitimate child ... but ... do you think he really has a small penis?
My note: You know, I just don't think we can work together anymore.


Monday, 24 December 2012

TIS THE SEASON TO DUMP YOUR LOVER, FA-LA-LA-LA-LA

KIMORA & DJIMON IN HAPPIER TIMES
Just one of many couples who kicked off 
the holiday season with a divorce. 
(Eeew! Dude! That nasty goat-bear
is probably the reason she left you!)
 
Photo/CreStock

Inspired by Ashton Kutcher's super-festive serving of the divorce papers, Bethenny Frankel, founder of Emaciatedgirl Skinnygirl Cocktails, is separating from her husband of two years. She was going to save the announcement for his big Christmas morning surprise but was just too excited to wait. Bethenny tweeted about it last night because this is not the sort of thing one wants to keep to one's self at such a family time of year. Meanwhile, her husband, whose name is Jason Hoppy, is busily filing papers to have his name legally changed to Jason Happy. 
(Lawyer: That'll be $5,000. Jason: If I give you $6,000, could you change my middle name to Very?)

In other disintegrating families news: Kris and Bruce Jenner are SPLITTING UP! Star magazine says Bruce has moved out because he can't take any more of Kris's bullying and emasculation (and not a moment too soon; he's practically a goddam woman). But wait! Now Kris and Bruce have issued an extremely gross and completely staged video of themselves cavorting in a Christmas tree lot while they pick out the tree that Kris will later ram up his arse while screeching: "CALL ME MASTER! SAY IT!" This obviously proves that everything is fine and that Star is lying and so are all the other magazines that have pix of Kris canoodling with younger guys who actually look like males of the species as opposed to Wax-faced Girlie Man. (What? That's what she calls him. I read it somewhere...)

In other this-one's-for-sure disintegrating families news: Kimora Lee, who traded in Russell Simmons six years ago for a younger, hotter model (actor Djimon Hounsou), has now dumped the younger, hotter model as well. She is going through your typical sad adjustment phase, holing up at homelooking drab and eating too much cake. As we can clearly see in THIS PHOTO right here.

Editor's note: Thank heavens the feast of the Birth of Our Lord is mere hours away, because I don't know how much more of this Christmas cheer I can take.

ICE LOVES COCO; COCO LOVES . . . NUDITY

ICE: Hey, is that fool over there
lookin' at your boobs?
 COCO: No, of course not, Baby.
Why would anybody do that?

Photo: Steve Vas/Featureflash
  
Dilemma: You're an aging, paunchy, somewhat ... how do i put this delicately? ... pug-faced rapper who hasn't had a hit since around the time MC Hammer pants were in style. Your wife is a balloon-breasted hottie 21 years your junior who has finally achieved her life's goal: performing topless in Vegas. Your marriage is now under siege from horny rappers who want to sleep with her...and she kinda doesn't mind. In fact she kinda slut-cuddles with them for photos. And posts the photos on Twitter. And thereby makes you a laughingstock. 

Solutions: What to do? Well, if you're one of the new crew of rappers, you might pop a cap in somebody's *ss.

If you're slightly older but still have that young-blood grrrr, you might "wile out" with the ultimate old-school weapon: your fists.

But if you're 54 years of age, you have mom butt and, truth be told, you're starting to really enjoy going to bed early with a cup of peppermint tea (keeps you regular), you might ease your dimply buttocks into a pair of loose-fitting gym shorts and take your balloon-breasted young wife to the gym for a rousing couples workout. (Click here and tell me this doesn't scream "I HAVE MOM BUTT!")

Risk factor: Moderate to high. On the minus side, she will see you looking middle-aged in workout gear that was clearly chosen for style rather than actually working out. Similarly, there will be the unavoidable leaked photos (do you celebrities STILL not get it? TMZ sees everything!) that will make you look goofy and will make her look hot.
On the plus side, she might sweat off some of the excess estrogen that is only going to get her in trouble.

Better Idea: Start showing up at her popular Vegas Peepshow looking like scary old Uncle Knuckles, glowering at the horny young men in attendance and making everyone feel creepy. That show will be cancelled within weeks!

Editor's note: I would need more information before I could decide whether I agree with you or not. Such as *ahem* Coco's chest measurements . . .
My note: Yeah, say that in front of ICE-T. Here's a link to the now-infamous pix of Coco cuddling up to rapper AP-9, and another link to pix of scary old Uncle Knuckles.